I'm losing my mind

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Jun 05 2016, 10:33 am

I don't know what has gotten into my 3.5 year old daughter. For the past couple of weeks she doesn't listen to me or my husband. I've tried every approach under the sun. Yes, she is strong willed but it's never been this way and I find myself losing my cool Sad

I KNOW she knows what she is doing.
For example, at the moment, I am sitting on the sofa trying to cool down... She had these tiny hair clips in her mouth, refused to take them out, and I was scared she would choke on them. She won the battle and took them out when she wanted to. Now she came up to me, wrapped her arms around me and stated: "I love you sweetie pie". I replied that I love her too. That she needs to listen, however, when I tell her to do something etc. etc. She ignores that part and proceeds to butter me up.
I'm having a very very hard time with her Sad

PassionFruit

Sun, Jun 05 2016, 10:55 am

power struggles never work on strong willed children.
Two things that work for my child:
1. never use the word no, instead give choices. [Do you want this or this? or, What you are doing is dangerous. Do you want me to take it out for you, or are you going to be big and do it your self?
2. Explan, explain, explain what the reasons are. Even for a 3 year old, if they have enough info they can understand why it is good for them to listen and then THEY want to listen. [You know honey, I have a friend that was chewing on a bobby pin and she swolled it. She couldn't breathe and hatzala had to come! She turned blue! They had to do surgery and cut open her tummy to get it out. It was very very scary. I love you and would never want that to happen to you. That's why when I see that in your mouth I want it out right away!] This works with many different situations with my kids.

I also use this line that for some reason works with my kids: I am a very reasonable person. I don't say no to be mean. I say no when something is dangerous or unhealthy or not possible this minute. There is no reason to hit and scream. If you talk to me nicely about your feelings, it is possible that I will understand you better.

rec--the explosive child. excellent book

busymom

Sun, Jun 05 2016, 11:07 am

It's very common for kids this age to get into power struggles. They do things to provoke the parent and watch them get angrier and angrier. Parents try to hold their ground. Both are miserable.
The best thing to do is to NOT get caught up in the power struggle. All that negative energy goes poof if the kid doesn't have someone to oppose or argue with.
How to do that?
1. Choose your battles very carefully. Whenever you do say sth as a command, you must follow through, but there shouldn't be no more than a couple of these per day. When you do give a command and it's ignored:
a. Physically make it happen. For example: "Come to your room! I want to help you into pjs!" You can continue demanding for ten minutes, or you can simply pick up the child and bring her to her room.
b. Give an immediate consequence. "If you scribble on the walls again, I will take away the markers." Then do it. Right away.
2. Whenever you can, let go. I know you think it's about showing who's boss, but fighting over most things are not really necessary and the child will learn better that your word is a word when you use that power very few times and follow through. Two examples:
a. The kid says something like, "I hate you! You're the worst Mommy!" You say, "Oh, that's too bad, cuz I actually love you a lot."
See how the energy goes poof? Otherwise, you can argue for an hour that speaking like that is disrespectful. Won't get you anywhere and will make you both miserable.
b. Kid insists to wear the shoes on the wrong feet. Don't turn it into an argument. "Oy, your feet will probably begin hurting soon. I'd switch the shoes if I were you. But you're a big girl. You can do that yourself." and walk away!
Obviously, raising children is very individual and different kids need different approaches, but the above two ideas are a starting point. Parenting classes can also be very helpful!

PassionFruit

Sun, Jun 05 2016, 11:24 am

busymom wrote:

The best thing to do is to NOT get caught up in the power struggle. All that negative energy goes poof if the kid doesn't have someone to oppose or argue with.
How to do that?
1. Choose your battles very carefully. Whenever you do say sth as a command, you must follow through, but there shouldn't be no more than a couple of these per day. When you do give a command and it's ignored:
a. Physically make it happen. For example: "Come to your room! I want to help you into pjs!" You can continue demanding for ten minutes, or you can simply pick up the child and bring her to her room.
b. Give an immediate consequence. "If you scribble on the walls again, I will take away the markers." Then do it. Right away.

Those two examples are both examples of power struggles. Power struggles end in resentment. Even if you "win" you lose because you ruin the relationship in small increments each time you do it. Parenting like you are "your their mother, not their friend," too dramatically makes it that they grow up one day and never have that chummy relationship that some adult children do have. Yes, you set boundaries, yes, you need to follow through sometimes, but if it is not saturated in love and care and sensitivity, you will destroy your child's self esteem. Constantly getting messages that "I am right, you must do this now," makes them feel [over time] that they are stupid, incapable, worthless, and powerless.

Examples of good parenting:
kid hits sibling. You say, "OW! A hit on the brother you love that loves you so much! What is that strong feeling you are having? [to other kid, come sweetie, let me hold you."] Both kids come and you diffuse it with respectful calm communication. Yes, even a three year old is capable of this.

Ok, time to get dressed and kid says no. You say, "oh, you don't want to get dressed today? Soon school is going to start, what do you think a good solution would be." In my experience, the kid pauses for a moment and goes to get dressed. With an older child, if they say, "I am not going to school today," you say, "is there something that is bothering you about school?" If no, then, "Hm. I'm not sure what to tell you. I'm going to work in a half an hour, and you can't really stay here by yourself..."

Basically, you put the child in the position to be able to think of solutions by themselves. When children are respected and spoken to with loving, calm words, and given the opportunity to figure things out on their own, it builds their confidence, teaches critical problem solving skills, and builds your trust and relationship very strong. You still are the authority. What does that mean? It means you are facilitating your child's development. You are the mature one. Resorting to a power struggle means you yourself have not learned to negotiate appropriately. Hatzlacha, it takes time and practice for both you and your child to master this hard but unquestionably worthwhile skill.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 05 2016, 11:31 am

Children that have been exposed to a lot of the controlling/powerful authority figures will have a much more extreme reaction to their parent's "no." If they have a teacher that is either strict or even mean, the child will have much less of a tolerance from someone who supposedly loves them. For this child, it is all the more important to learn other skills to get a child to do what they have to do.
My child had a really mean teacher who would hit and embarrass the children in school if they did not listen. [he was 3 and it was Israel]. From then on, he would not ever listen if I said no. We went to play therapy and it came out that when I said no, he thought I was being like his mean teacher who doesn't love the kids.

the world's best mom

Sun, Jun 05 2016, 3:03 pm

Children do need lots of love, but they also need to learn that they must obey authority. They need to listen, not because they are stupid, but because they are children and we are the adults who are here to teach them the right way to act. That's why Hashem gave children parents as authority figures, and gave us a Mitzvah to respect our parents.

The reason Hashem made children small IMO is so that we can physically put them where they need to be. If you say to take something dangerous out of her mouth, she cannot win the battle. You may have been resting on the couch, but you need to get up and take it out of her mouth if she won't do it herself. Then she should probably have a consequence because she didn't listen on her own. You need to be extremely consistent, making her listen every single time, so that by the time she grows too big to be moved around, there should be no more need for you to be putting her anywhere. If she's not listening on her own by then, then you have a problem.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:22 am

funnyface wrote:

OP here...
I tried your technique this morning, and it worked, so thank you!!!!!!!