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I feel so guilty



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amother
Yellow


 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 9:30 am
So as I was putting my 3 yr old son on his car seat I notice marks on his arm. I realized it was from yesterday's tantrum.. where he peed on the floor (on purpose.. after I brought him to pee in the potty).. I dragged him to clean it up.. and also I pulled him to his room... he was very defiant yesterday and I had a really hard time with him.. I feel so horrible now obviously ..
And I keep worrying what his teachers are gonna think... basically I feel like a horrible person and a worse parent Sad
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 9:34 am
if you drag him to clean up the mess, he's going to really resist going on the potty. you need to find another way to address the behavior. ignoring it calmly would probably be more helpful. you should never drag your child. if the child needs to be somewhere he is not and he is unwilling to go there independently, lift him and carry.

I won't say not to feel guilty, because I think the guilt is justified.
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Jeanette




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 9:38 am
Helpful hint: if you're feeling guilty about your worst parenting moments, don't go online to expiate your guilt because mothers will pile on and make you feel worse. I suggest finding one trusted person in real life whose parenting methods you admire and ask her for advice.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 9:41 am
mummiedearest wrote:
if you drag him to clean up the mess, he's going to really resist going on the potty. you need to find another way to address the behavior. ignoring it calmly would probably be more helpful. you should never drag your child. if the child needs to be somewhere he is not and he is unwilling to go there independently, lift him and carry.

I won't say not to feel guilty, because I think the guilt is justified.


At the time I was holding my 8 month old so I couldn't lift him up..
Yes many times I am calm and guess what it doesn't help... and he knew what he was doing was wrong
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amother
Oak


 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 9:41 am
I understand you're feeling guilty. my child once fell off my bed and I grabbed their leg. it prevented the fall but there were marks on the leg for a few days after. of course, being a jewish mom, I felt guilt (even though I know I did it for the child's safety). guilt is what we do best.
DH always tells me guilt is just the yetzer hara wanting us to fall into despair and give up on trying to be better. I'd say to apologize to your son, tell him you were frustrated and it was a mistake and that you'll do better next time.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 9:42 am
And my 8 month old was screaming continuously too
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 9:45 am
Jeanette wrote:
Helpful hint: if you're feeling guilty about your worst parenting moments, don't go online to expiate your guilt because mothers will pile on and make you feel worse. I suggest finding one trusted person in real life whose parenting methods you admire and ask her for advice.

Thank you.. this is definitely true.. and my husband is so supportive and your right thst I shouldn't take it out on line I just would be so embarrassed to tell my friends. It was definitely a bad parenting day and I hope I learn from it
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 9:50 am
I don't believe your methods will serve your goal if you are expecting a three year old to clean up after himself for peeing on the floor. It's not age appropriate. You would likely have far more success if you ignore these mishaps and reward good behavior. A chocolate chip when he pees on the potty will get him doing it there. Forcing him to wipe up his mess just makes him resent you and the whole process.

Hug It's tough with a three year old and a screaming baby. All of us have our better parenting moments and our more challenging one. I agree with Jeannette, if you are finding this challenging such that you have gotten to this point, please seek some real life support in the form of a parenting mentor or professional that can guide you with skills so that it does not come to this.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 9:51 am
amother wrote:
At the time I was holding my 8 month old so I couldn't lift him up..
Yes many times I am calm and guess what it doesn't help... and he knew what he was doing was wrong


I hear you. it's difficult. if this is something he does frequently, it may be worth it to put him back in diapers for a while and start over. clean up likely could have waited until you put the baby down safely, at which point you could have lifted the 3 yr old. I'm not a firm believer in making the child clean up the mess if you can't do it calmly and matter-of-factly. doing this calmly teaches the child that he is responsible to clean up any mess he makes, and eventually he will decide it's not worth peeing on the floor. dragging the child teaches the child that he can get mommy's goat.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 10:00 am
amother wrote:
At the time I was holding my 8 month old so I couldn't lift him up..
Yes many times I am calm and guess what it doesn't help... and he knew what he was doing was wrong


If he's the defiant/resentful type then this method doesn't work for him and you. Perhaps a reward system and some flexibility is what he needs. Even if it's difficult, he just might not be ready for the responsibility of cleaning up his own mess, even though that's definitely something he needs to learn eventually....some kids are not ready at age 3.
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HonesttoGod




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 11:30 am
It is funny that people are saying the punishment wasn;t good for him.
I was actually told that a good punishment for a child is a consequence meaning you spill you wipe, you mess you clean etc.
When my son had an accident that was a mistake we would clean up together. When he did it on purpose (he was angry that he had to go to th ebathroom before eating supper so he made on the floor, one example) he was not allowed to move on to the next activity until he had cleaned it up.

You don't have to drag him to do anything, just leave him there with the tools he needs. When he is ready to clean and he needs your help he can ask but until he has started cleaning there is no next activity.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 11:42 am
amother wrote:
I understand you're feeling guilty. my child once fell off my bed and I grabbed their leg. it prevented the fall but there were marks on the leg for a few days after. of course, being a jewish mom, I felt guilt (even though I know I did it for the child's safety). guilt is what we do best.
DH always tells me guilt is just the yetzer hara wanting us to fall into despair and give up on trying to be better. I'd say to apologize to your son, tell him you were frustrated and it was a mistake and that you'll do better next time.


That's different. That was the right thing to do in that situation.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 11:44 am
amother wrote:
And my 8 month old was screaming continuously too


That's not the 3 year old's fault. He shouldn't have to pay for that.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 12:57 pm
OP, stuff happens. You tried to pull him up and had no idea you'd leave a mark. Now you know. The end.
However, the advice you're getting about how to handle the 3-year-old is good and having to put the baby down for a minute will give you a chance to calm down. You can't get into a test of wills with a 3-yr-old -- or you can, but you'll both be frustrated and you'll have less power when you need it later. Calmly saying, "you and I will clean it up" is one thing. He's a baby still and it's not reasonable to expect him
to clean it up himself. The possible positive reenforcement (cookie , whatever but a carrot and not a stick) will
work better and will NOT necessarily set a precedent.
This is a very frustrating age. There's limitless boundary-testing. It's often hard to remember that one of you needs to be the adult --and we're it. Not fun though and not easy.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 1:22 pm
I lost it too this morning. I yelled and smacked my ds too. I could have done better. I realize I lost it. I felt terrible. the worst part was thinking I am a terrible mother. I felt terrible. :( I was crying and ds asked my why. I was embarrassed to say why. dont judge me here. everyone has such moments. I dont need criticsm. but realize that you are a good mother that you are thinking about what you did. and want to correct it. thats what I call a gibor.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 1:29 pm
[quote="amother"]That's not the 3 year old's fault. He shouldn't have to pay for that.[/quote]


stop criticizing her! she feels bad already. she is explaining what was going on and she doesnt need you to pour salt on her wounds! if you can give guidance that would be helpful. otherwise refrain from commenting.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 2:42 pm
HonesttoGod wrote:
It is funny that people are saying the punishment wasn;t good for him.
I was actually told that a good punishment for a child is a consequence meaning you spill you wipe, you mess you clean etc.
When my son had an accident that was a mistake we would clean up together. When he did it on purpose (he was angry that he had to go to th ebathroom before eating supper so he made on the floor, one example) he was not allowed to move on to the next activity until he had cleaned it up.

You don't have to drag him to do anything, just leave him there with the tools he needs. When he is ready to clean and he needs your help he can ask but until he has started cleaning there is no next activity.


In general consequences are good for a child. But not if the child is clearly demonstrating that he is not ready for this. Not every three year old is ready to follow thru with consequences - three is the borderline young/toddler stage. Pushing too much at that age can backfire. In addition, you have to take a child's personality/temperament into consideration. If a power struggle is the result of the consequence - which is clearly what happened here - it is not worth it, as the result is the opposite of what was intended. Some kids will be left with the tools needed and will eventually be ready to follow thru. Others will sit there defiantly pitting their will against Mom until bedtime. You have to know your child and their capabilities before you assign a consequence.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Thu, Jun 09 2016, 4:06 pm
sourstix wrote:
stop criticizing her! she feels bad already. she is explaining what was going on and she doesnt need you to pour salt on her wounds! if you can give guidance that would be helpful. otherwise refrain from commenting.


OP knows that what she did was wrong, but the amother who posted this is allowed to voice her opinion! In addition, OP needs guidance from a professional rather than from women on Imamother who will either pile on more criticism or make her think that what she did is ok.

Hurting a child is never a simple matter. I wasn't in OP house while it happened and I don't know what the surrounding situation was, how often this happens, or what other factors are involved. Notwithstanding, it is still never ok to hurt a child. I just hope she finds the strength to channel the guilt into a constructive response for help with the core issue.
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