Does it make sense to move? Would you?

Goldie613

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 12:00 pm

amother wrote:

It doesn't help that everyone in real life will think we are totally nuts for doing this. From their perspective, we have a house in Brooklyn, we're doing well financially, our kids are in a great school. We're living the dream. Except they don't see how depressed my DH is, how down he gets and how he resigned himself to being miserable so that his family can be happy. Sad

What's that old expression - "you can't know someone's life until you've walked a mile in their shoes"? To the world at large there are people who seem to have it all who are secretly miserable, and other people who are pitied for being broke, sick, having children with issues, etc., and yet they somehow go through life seeing Hashem's brachas in their life and feeling blessed.

So...less worrying about what the Jones (or Goldbergs) will think, and more worrying about what's right for you and your family! Think about it - do you want to go by what the neighbors will think, or by what is best for your spouse (and by extension, the rest of you)?

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 1:06 pm

I moved a year ago and haven't looked back!!!!
I wanted to move more than DH
My family thought I was crazy, got so many shocked comments! My family also lives within minutes of each other and we used to get together every shabbos.

My kids did take some time adjusting but are overall way happier now!

I find OOT so refreshing as people are non judgmental, makes life so much easier!

I moved with kids ages 5-17.
Quality of life is way better for all of us!

The difficult things are:
Missing the day to day family things, the small simchos, brissim, upshernish etc, I travel in for weddings.
Occasional kosher or jewish products can be hard to get or more expensive than NY, we also learnt to do without.

We rented out our Brooklyn house so we can return if it didn't work out.

amother

Scarlet

Wed, Jun 15 2016, 10:41 pm

Ha. Now that I've gotten seriously supportive, my dh is having second thoughts. He's worried about the kids. If we live on a non Jewish block who will our kids play with? He's afraid he's being too selfish. Input? Those of you who moved, how did your kids play with friends? Arranged play dates?

The joke is that my kids rarely play outside with friends, on this block we are on now that's teeming with kids. Somehow they're never out when we're out. We're on different schedules. I was just pointing out to dh that we basically already ARE living a suburban lifestyle, just without the scenery. We drive almost everywhere, my daughter goes on play dates,etc. Anyway is this a valid concern? That our kids won't have company in the suburbs, especially as teens? Sorry if this is a dumb question. It's gotta be a dumb question. Obviously people in the suburbs have friends. But how does it work out, logistically?

Iymnok

Thu, Jun 16 2016, 3:38 am

It depends on the community and your street. Some are more condensed and others more spread out.
I say go somewhere with an eiruv. The Shabbos park is a beautiful thing.

amother

Silver

Thu, Jun 16 2016, 2:55 pm

Is the only possible way for your husband to not work for his father for you to move so far out of town? It sounds like the toxic work environment is the big issue here. If he got other offers, is it not possible to change jobs and stay put? Because it seems like there are so many advantages to your life in Brooklyn such as the schools, you job, family etc.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Jun 16 2016, 3:52 pm

Just because you live OOT doesn't mean there are no other frum Jews on your block. It also doesn't guarantee large properties... I live OOT and there certain blocks teeming with frum people. OOT comes in many different "flavors"- we have an eiruv but no shabbos playground...l suggest you look in to whichever community you are thinking about, speak to people there, go for a shabbos.

My daughter goes to b'nos, babysitting during shul, we walk over to a friends house or the friend sees us passing by and runs out asking if my daughter can come play Smile

familyfirst

Thu, Jun 16 2016, 4:46 pm

Look into silver spring, Maryland. Great school (Torah school of greater Washington). Two neighborhoods to choose from- white oak ( more yeshivish) and kemp mill ( more diverse). Small Chassidishe shtiebel, Chabad house, modern orthodox, and young Israel.
Great community, eiruv, nice properties.
Just a thought...

amother

Coffee

Fri, Jun 17 2016, 10:23 am

amother wrote:

not op. but once your working for fam its not so easy to leave..
it gets real complicated

chanala

Fri, Jun 17 2016, 3:33 pm

To the OP:

Ideas that come to mind:
1) make aliyah
2) tell family you're making aliyah but then say "our plans changed" and move X hours away instead - they'll be ecstatic
3) identify a frum community where FIL's business would do well, have DH offer to manage a branch there, and if FIL says no, do it on your own (there is start up money out there)

Re: OOT- People will only know what you tell them
Re: family- your kids will be happier with happy parents, and the extended family will get over it.

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Jun 17 2016, 3:44 pm

Lol chanala! I like your sneaky ideas.

We are reconsidering Pomona and Rockland county in general. It's 1.5 hours away so it isn't such a radical move. It's close enough to visit family often but far enough that his father will understand when he looks around for a different job. But he can still commute meanwhile so there won't be a radical drop in finances.

The schools there will be so much more expensive than the schools here which scares me a little. But it's a good location.

ShoshLay

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 9:20 pm

Hi, please feel you can ask me about Harrisburg. You'll be able to buy a really lovely home with lots of yard, and be close enough to neighbors to exchange favors, borrow something you need, and walk to one another's homes for meals, or for kids to play. It's not at all the type of place where people are "watching" one another. As a matter of fact, this inclusive but cohesive community encompasses people of many different Orthodox styles. That creates an amazingly pleasant community feel. Our one day school services all, but our Rabbinic-Judaic director (himself of Chofetz Chaim background) has many ways of providing each child or family with the type of Judaic preparation they need. We are close enough to NYC so you can be at your relatives' homes in 3.5-4 hours, so you need never miss a simcha! Please let me know if you'd like more info.