Ds has a girlfriend

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Ds has a girlfriend

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amother

Lime

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:23 pm

Ds is mo. Im from a normal orthodox backround and living so too. He's 16 and has a girlfriend and I don't know whats normal in his world.
I came across ds's pics on his mobile. And was a bit taken aback of what I saw. I know that his father ( xdh,otd) has spoken to him in the past about being careful what he's doing etc.
Is it normal what they do when mo and I'm just not used to that way of life or am I supposed to say something? what is accepted?

Any ideas to what to do think or say?

causemommysaid

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:26 pm

MO keep shomer negia.

Teenage boys may or may not keep it regardless of their affiliation.

At this point there is not much you can do other than making sure he and possibly the girl know to stay protected.

amother

Lime

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:29 pm

Is it normal thou what goes on and what they do.....?

amother

Cerulean

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:31 pm

When my niece was 16 she had a boyfriend (family is LW regular frum). My sister got good advice on how to talk to niece from Rabbi Shmuel Gluck in Monsey - he has an organization called Areivim to help teens.

causemommysaid

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:34 pm

amother wrote:

Is it normal thou what goes on and what they do.....?

its really normal for teenagers to have bf/gf and fool around.

amother

Lime

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:35 pm

Thing is his father is otd...... so spectrum for my children is very wide Sad

amother

Lime

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:38 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

its really normal for teenagers to have bf/gf and fool around.

Oh ok,thanks for putting me at ease. I accept respect and love my kids fir who they are but do like yo know whats considered ok am glad I can ask here

amother

Jade

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 1:42 pm

It is not encouraged to have a bf/gf, but normal and natural, yes. The most important thing is to not alienate your child because then not only will they continue their behavior, but you will ruin your relationship with him. You can only hope they keep shomer negia, but all odds are against them in terms of nature. Hopefully your child will be smart enough not to accidentally get anyone pregnant, chas vshalom. There is really very little you can do. Be nice. Make home a happy place. Have fun activities for your family.

Zehava

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 2:14 pm

Get him some condoms if you don't want to be a grandmother yet.

amother

Turquoise

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 2:18 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

I'm not MO so my only experience with MO has been as an outsider, but around age 14 I spent the summer with my MO friends. Many of her friends were not shomer negiah and did more than just kiss. I kissed some of her guy friends, and I know that one guy was definitely having intercourse with another girl. Many of her friends were shomer negiah. I don't know if MO is ok with not being shomer negiah, but just that many of the kids still considered themselves to be MO and are MO today, but did not necessarily keep shomer negiah as teens.
I know another MO woman who is in a relationship, but goes to the mikvah even though they are not married.

That is not a teenager, but just explaining that it is complicated and cannot necessarily just be disregarded as "MO are shomer negiah."

Teach your son about safe relations, condoms, getting tested, mikvah, and whatever else. For all you know they are not even having intercourse, but it is still a good idea for him to know how to be safe.

sequoia

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 2:38 pm

Single MO adults may go to mikvah and have relations, but MO teenagers are not generally involved so heavily.

perquacky

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 2:45 pm

amother wrote:

Im from a normal orthodox backround and living so too.

Pray tell, what is a "normal orthodox background"?

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 2:51 pm

perquacky wrote:

Pray tell, what is a "normal orthodox background"?

I"m assuming it means regular plain orthodox as opposed to anyting with a prefix such as ultra-orthodox or modern orthodox.

amother

Blonde

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 3:04 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

its really normal for teenagers to have bf/gf and fool around.

I dont agree necessarily, what is normal in one community is not normal in another, where is live it is very unusual behavior for teens to have this kind of relationship, but 20-30 minutes away there is a frum community where it is quite normal.

if my son had this kind of relationship I would be bewildered and wonder what I did not know about him that his behavior is so different than my expectations and what my community considers "normal"

also, never judge "normal" by non-jewish standards. do you know what is normal in the world today? it is truly insane.

nearby me there is a park frequented by the non-jews in our neighborhood. the other day I was passing by and there was some yelling. as I passed by a saw some elementary school-age kids yelling at each other. I was actually nauseated as I heard their conversation: (im paraphrasing I dont remember exactly)

boy: what's the big deal? it was only one time!

girl 1: you swore you would never sleep with anyone else while we were together!

girl 2: you told me you were not in a relationship

boy 2 to girl 1: big deal you know you've "been around" anyways

there were adults there too, some expressed disgust but for the most part the reaction was "kids will be kids huh?"

this is normal in their community it seems. when I spoke to my friend who is a school psych in the public school system she was unsurprised, and said school counselors are often confronted with being asked for advice - zexual advice - by kids in sixth grade!

apparently this is "normal".

dont mistake "normal" for normal within the framework of a society that wants to follow halacha.

amother

Lime

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 3:59 pm

amother wrote:

I"m assuming it means regular plain orthodox as opposed to anyting with a prefix such as ultra-orthodox or modern orthodox.

In my type of orthodox life we follow halocho and are shomer etc. teen Girls and boys dont really interact together either unless they are family. So this is very unfamiliar to me but I respect that this is what he chose for now and where hes holding and am accepting that he wants to be differentvto me and def dont want to push him away for that. he was actually reluctant to tell me about his gf at first as he worried how I will react. But even if my lifestyle is on the level of frumness that I have in my house I am broad enough to understand that there is different levels.
He doesnt discuss much about his gf with me but with his father he does who is sensible and tells him not to get himself into hot water which ds will be careful then.

dancingqueen

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 5:46 pm

I feel the need to point out that most mo teens are certainly not having intercourse and many are shomer negia. There is a big difference with Rw And LW mo in this area. I also know of bais yaacov and Yeshiva teens who were fooling around or had bf/gfs. Kids don't always do exactly what their parents want or expect.

causemommysaid

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 6:52 pm

amother wrote:

This has nothing to do with being MO. It has to do with being either a lonely older single or a horny teenager. MO interpretation of halacha does not allow for doing away with shomer negia. If someone is not following shomer negia it is because they are choosing to ignore halacha, not because they are choosing to be MO.

causemommysaid

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 7:12 pm

amother wrote:

16 year olds are not elementary school kids. they are sophomores or juniors in high school.

I think it is very normal for teenagers to have hormones and explore regardless of what "framework" they are in.

Just because our community doesn't accept these behaviors (and I am not saying that they should accept it!) doesnt mean these kids are acting out of the ordinary.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Jun 24 2016, 7:15 pm

If she's jewish then leave it. I'm sure it's hell for you but a teen can not be told what to do as they don't listen gut shbs love, hugs n kiss

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Jun 25 2016, 10:27 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

MO interpretation of halacha does not allow for doing away with shomer negia. If someone is not following shomer negia it is because they are choosing to ignore halacha, not because they are choosing to be MO.

I was raised MO, OOT, in the 80's and early 90's. We viewed being shomer negiah as something frummies did, like a chumrah or something they mistakenly thought was required. By "we", I mean both the kids and the parents. My parents were pretty shocked when I went shomer, because they viewed it as a significant step to the right. Which it tended to be.

We did boyfriends and girlfriends. A decent number of couples went shomer midway and stayed together afterwards, with lots of precautions (and mixed results).

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