Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
My abused son abuses me



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 11:23 am
He was abused a lot as an infant and young child. BH he has been safe since he was 3 and is seeing a great therapist. BUT, his behavior is so hard to put up with!!! He is constantly demanding, hitting, threatening, tearing the house down, hurting other people etc. He has never said please, thank you, or sorry in his life. I love him and I hurt for him and I am giving and giving and giving. I know that all of this is learned behavior and he is a hurt, confused child. But sometimes I get so fed up with his constant demands, anger, tantrums on steroids, etc. Sometimes I even have the urge to slap him back and say, "NEVER. KICK. MOMMY." Of course I wouldn't, and his therapist guides me on what to say in the situation. She says it will go away eventually but it will be at least another two years of therapy and "home" therapy. How am I suppose to manage this kid I love to death that turns into a monster every hour or so??
Back to top

Maryann




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 11:28 am
sorry for my ignorance but how and by who was he abused by whilst he was so so little?
Back to top

WastingTime




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 11:54 am
Sorry for the hard times you are going through. Many children who exhibit these types of behavior were never abused (such as one of my children) so it may help just to deal with the difficult child aspect and not focus on the abuse
Back to top

Seas




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:05 pm
amother wrote:
HSometimes I even have the urge to slap him back and say, "NEVER. KICK. MOMMY."


Perhaps you should. Nothing would happen if he knows there are severe consequences for crossing red lines.
Back to top

Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:11 pm
Seas wrote:
Perhaps you should. Nothing would happen if he knows there are severe consequences for crossing red lines.

Classic "do as I say, not as I do". Always great chinuch. Rolling Eyes
Back to top

Seas




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:16 pm
So perhaps we should let children play with knives and drive cars too...
Back to top

amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:16 pm
Seas wrote:
Perhaps you should. Nothing would happen if he knows there are severe consequences for crossing red lines.


Way to teach him that the way to get the response you want is to beat others.

Idiotic mindset, to put it very mildly.
Back to top

amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:22 pm
Seas wrote:
So perhaps we should let children play with knives and drive cars too...


It is wrong to beat your mother.

It is wrong to beat your children.

There is nothing wrong with driving cars or using knives when you are old enough to do it safely.

I can't believe I even have to explain this to a grown woman.
Back to top

Chloe




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:24 pm
Seas wrote:
Perhaps you should. Nothing would happen if he knows there are severe consequences for crossing red lines.


Even if this would be OK, she is dealing with a professional and should only be following her advice, and it doesn't seem her therapist is OK with this response.
Back to top

amother
Mustard


 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:32 pm
read "The Explosive Child"
Back to top

amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 1:38 pm
I usually recommend The Explosive Child but due to the extensive trauma at such an early age I think something that addresses how trauma affects attachment and development and how to heal from that would be more helpful. I've not read this book https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587.....59XMS but from the reviews it seems like it might be helpful, or look at the similar books that come up on Amazon and read the samples and reviews.

Is your therapist helping you to understand the effects of early childhood abuse on social, emotional and behavioral development? If not, she should be explaining much more to you. The more you understand about how your child's brain is working (for the time being) the more empathetic you can be, the less you will take things personally, and the more emotionally available you will be to provide the support and healing that he needs from you.
Back to top

amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 1:55 pm
Try Aaron Lederer - taming the wild child.
Back to top

amother
Maroon


 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 2:05 pm
Without knowing how old your son is, or what the circumstances of the abuse are, I will make some assumptions based on my professional background.
What you are describing sounds like severe RAD, or reactive attachment disorder. This is caused by severe early abuse and neglect of children, most commonly found in children who are adopted from orphanages or other deprived environments. Is the child adopted or a foster child? If so, this is the likely diagnosis and the interventions are very different from managing other developmental disorders. In RAD, the child's brain is wired very differently due to the extreme cortisol levels in the brain from an early age as well as conditioning. The child should be treated by a specialist in RAD, with an emphasis on repairing his attachment patterns with parents and other relationships. Depending on the age of the child, medication is in order as well, as well as a strong behavioral approach.

Additionally, it sounds like you will benefit from your own therapy to support you emotionally with raising such a challenging child.
Back to top

notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2016, 2:25 pm
Seas wrote:
Perhaps you should. Nothing would happen if he knows there are severe consequences for crossing red lines.


That is the worst thing you can do to a child who was abused in the past ..
Especially if this is a foster child, just a guess since the way the OP describes it makes it sound like he was abused in a different setting, it is actually illegal to use physical punishment.
Back to top

kollel wife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 05 2016, 11:17 am
Don't cross red lines - doesn't mean corporeal punishment. But try to be firm, have consequences. Loving and firm.

Firmness and boundaries are important to a child out of control.
Back to top

greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 05 2016, 11:31 am
he needs proper ways to deflect his anger ... get him a punching bag, let him take jiu jitsu lessons, or some other constructive activity that uses muscle power

obviously in conjunction with proper anger management therapy

good luck !!!
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
My son is infuriating and miserable to be around
by amother
28 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 3:42 pm View last post
What to write on son's rebbi thank you card??
by amother
3 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 12:16 am View last post
[ Poll ] Rashi wine for son's rebbi??
by amother
8 Tue, Mar 19 2024, 10:47 pm View last post
Gifted son and middos help
by mha3484
11 Tue, Mar 19 2024, 9:54 pm View last post
Advice for talking to son in mesivta OOT
by amother
11 Tue, Mar 19 2024, 8:29 pm View last post