SOS I need to learn to discipline!

amother

Violet

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:56 pm

I'm sorry I don't have tried and true discipline tips, since my oldest is still only 2 and I'm looking for the same advice you are.

However, I wanted to help reassure you that "sometimes giving in" when your son is relentless shouldn't be a problem, discipline-wise. It's OK to change your mind sometimes, when you see how much it means to him, or when you weigh your battles and decide this is not the one worth fighting for. This doesn't lessen your status as a mother or make him spoiled.

In fact, maybe you can think about that question next time you're in this situation: Is this a battle worth fighting for? If it is, then thinking about why this is important to fight for will help you stand firm in your decision. And- at least for 2 year olds- validating, and then distracting or offering an alternative works wonders.

shooting star

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 1:09 pm

Every child is different but my son would pick up on any time that I would give in. Then next time he would push push push.

So I'd commit to at least one consistent "no" so he would understand that no means no. I would pick my battles but when I would pick one, I'd be consistent at that one. It's a lot of energy but manageable when it's not constant battles, just a one or a few focused ones. Now Baruch Hashem, he listens much better.

My experience: the consistency with at least one "no" and being firm to it *no matter what* is key. Just think about what battle you can choose and expect to carry through.

Some Ideas:

-Eating Meals
-Bedtime
-Not throwing toys
-Bath time
-Not hitting or pushing

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 1:25 am

If you have to give in, then "trade" for something.

"OK, I'll give you a cookie, but first you have to clean up all of the Lego in the living room."

This way, you still "win", and he gets what he wants, but not without effort. He'll decide on his own just how badly he wants that cookie.

This worked miracles with my very, VERY strong willed and persistent DD when she was 4. I swear, that was the hardest year of our lives, so don't feel bad. The terrible twos and trying threes were nothing compared to the ferocious fours!

Oh, and it gets better. By the time she was 5 she was absolutely delightful, and had learned to help out if she wanted a treat. She often helped out just because she felt like it, without even wanting something. (Unfortunately, this phase does not extend into the preteen years. LOL

)

amother

Aqua

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 1:58 am

Shoelover wrote:

Thank you so much for your replies. Consistency is so hard! And he is always waking up the baby on purpose or not going to sleep when we are away. I am just so exhausted!

I think before learning discipline techniques it would be a much better idea to learn more about how children develop, in what order and what behaviors are age-appropriate. Raising children can be exhausting but that can be mitigated to a large degree by gaining some understanding and perspective.

When your baby is sleeping, your 4 yr old should not be able to access the baby's room and he should be kept sufficiently busy and supervised that waking up the baby just won't happen. It's a lot of work but completely appropriate for 4 yrs old and especially a 4 yr old with a (relatively) new sibling. You need to bring out the best in your child by setting him up for success.

It is perfectly normal for a small child to be anxious when his parents are not home, especially at bedtime, and for that to come out as acting out or crying or misbehavior of any kind. It sounds like you go out a lot. I'm not sure I would do that with a 4 yr old who is having difficulty with his parents being away at bedtime.

Shoelover

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 9:09 am

amother wrote:

I agree with what you're saying. He isn't waking him up when he's in his room, more like in the car or in the am. And I do travel a lot so (with him) so I do need to have him go to sleep at a normal time when I'm away. I hardly leave him before he's sleeping (at home he goes to sleep pretty ok)

amother

Aqua

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 10:05 am

Shoelover wrote:

There's a concept called technical failure. Sometimes the situation is set up for failure. A 4 yr old will be antsy and bored in a car and will be looking for ways to keep himself occupied and/or entertained. 4 yr olds are also impulsive, which means that they act on the thoughts that come into their heads before they have a chance to think them through. This is something that will improve with age, but at 4, under the circumstances, I think you are expecting too much. If your kids are in the car and your baby is sleeping, expect that your 4 yr old will wake him up. It's one of those things you just have to accept. I think the bigger deal you make of it the longer it will last.

I'm not sure I understand about the traveling. Are you saying that when you and he are away together, he doesn't go to sleep nicely? Another technical failure. Small children get a sense of security from being in their own bed in their own home. Traveling away from the familiar safety of home upsets that sense of security, both physical and emotional. Children the world over are thrown off kilter by traveling away from home. You may "need" him to go to sleep at a normal time but considering his age and the traveling, your expectation is unrealistic. He needs something else from you.

Children are not robots that we can control. It's not a matter of pressing the right buttons to get the desired response. I reiterate my recommendation to learn more about child development, not discipline, so you can understand your child, his capabilities, and his needs.

Shoelover

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 10:50 am

amother wrote:

well said, thank you!

amother

Black

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 1:54 pm

Optione wrote:

I read 123 Magic. Consistency is key and my child definitely tested me, but bH she really responds just about all of the time.

I second 123 magic. It provides you with a system for how to handle your child in a wide variety of situations. Works great for us!

Also, I find that sticking to one system is easier for both me and my kid, rather than using several different systems or pieces of advice. So I do recommend 123 Magic, but another book which has a system for a wide variety of things would be fine too - any system is better than trying to pick pieces of different systems and mash them together. Having one system really helps with consistency! It also is less confusing for your kid, because your responses won't be a surprise, since they know you'll always react in the same way to any particular situation. This really gets them into shape quicker.