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What do the parenting experts say?



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amother
Olive


 

Post Thu, Jul 14 2016, 8:07 am
I took my 6.5 yr old son to buy new sneakers today. We both 'agreed' on a style but he insisted on a color that I did not like and would not match most of his clothing. I tried to convince him to choose another color but he was adamant. I really wanted to put my foot down, but I held myself back and let him have the final say.

After we left the store my son said: "is it okay that I chose the color? I don't want you to be upset about it". Of course I told him not to worry, just that I thought the other color would be better. Obviously he sensed my frustration and so even though I 'allowed' him to choose, he is feeling that I'm not thrilled about his choice.

So- my questions are:
1) What is the correct thing to do in the future? Is it a big mistake to insist about such a thing and not allow him to choose?
2) Now that I did let him choose, did I undo anything positive about it because I could not hide my annoyance?
3) Is there anything I should say to him now to make things right?

Thank you!!
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 14 2016, 8:41 am
Chanoch L'Naar Al Pi Darko - some children are different than others. If your son is the type that has the NEED to be the chooser - and it sounds like he is - then you did the best thing by letting him choose. As much as you would've preferred that he make YOUR choice, in the long run your goal is to raise a healthy child, rather than a smart dresser. And sure, you want to teach him to dress appropriately, but the wrong color sneaker at the age of 6.5 is hardly going to affect him that much in the long run. Also, even if your goal would be to raise someone who is always appropriate, classy, etc...these are things that work with a person's nature, and you aren't going to make your child grow into being what is not within his personality.

I would drop the topic with your son, beyond assuring him that it's fine for him to choose. And work on accepting that you have a child, and not a doll that can be dressed perfectly at all times.

signed,

mother of a daughter (8) with a mind of her own
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Thu, Jul 14 2016, 9:04 am
Olive, I think you handled it well. You let him choose and have raised him to be aware of your emotions. You then reassured him with a satisfactory explanation as to why you had disagreed.
I have a daughter who's been like this since she was 3. I figured there were enough things I had to say "no" to that I liked to find things I could say yes to. In fact, when she got frustrated about our rules as she got older, I used to tell her to find something I could say yes to so she'd remember I was actually flexible on some things! She's now a child psychologist and tells me how great it was that I let her make choices about some things and not others--and explained the difference!😀😀 anon because I tell this story a lot
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 14 2016, 9:29 am
amother wrote:
Olive, I think you handled it well. You let him choose and have raised him to be aware of your emotions. You then reassured him with a satisfactory explanation as to why you had disagreed.
I have a daughter who's been like this since she was 3. I figured there were enough things I had to say "no" to that I liked to find things I could say yes to. In fact, when she got frustrated about our rules as she got older, I used to tell her to find something I could say yes to so she'd remember I was actually flexible on some things! She's now a child psychologist and tells me how great it was that I let her make choices about some things and not others--and explained the difference!😀😀 anon because I tell this story a lot
Thumbs Up

Like! I'm going to try some of this....
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 14 2016, 9:36 am
Olive, you handled it perfectly.

Vermilion, such a great story and great parenting!
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amother
Olive


 

Post Thu, Jul 14 2016, 10:51 am
Thank you all for chiming in and helping me gain clarity and feel better about what I did.
It's hard to take that step back, but I realize it's important.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 14 2016, 12:02 pm
once you said yes - you shouldn't harp on it so that he can enjoy his choice without feeling guilty

the colour of the shoes do not make the boy
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 14 2016, 12:05 pm
as a flip-side story - I once took my friend's son to buy shoes & because of her need for a certain colour we were limited ... in the end we got her neutrals and the boy never wore the sneakers ... what a waste of money and time
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 14 2016, 12:32 pm
Wow! I loved every response here! I learned so much just from reading this.
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