How to show love to a defiant, angry 10 yr old boy?

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jul 17 2016, 10:02 pm

You say you dont tell him that you love him because he is "older." Im sorry, but that is the worst excuse I ever heard in my life. Start telling him that you love him at least twice a day. People are never to old to be told I love you. You are setting your son up for a dysfunctional life. Its not to late. Start now.

cbsp

Mon, Jul 18 2016, 1:36 am

amother wrote:

Thanks so much. It means a lot to me.

If it helps any, we were guided to ABA - except there are no BCBAs to be had through NJ Performcare (the very nice gentleman on the phone practically laughed when I asked how do I at least get my child on a waiting list - our caseworker alone has 5 other families waiting ahead of DD, I can only imagine the numbers involved statewide). So we were assigned a different clinical counselor in the meantime. We'll see if this amounts to anything more than treading water.

saw50st8

Mon, Jul 18 2016, 10:48 am

cbsp wrote:

What do you do if the NHA trained therapist gives up the case after more than a year of working with the child because "it's not working"?

Have you read the Explosive Child? If not, read that. Find out what his underlying lagging skills are and work on them one at a a time.

cbsp

Mon, Jul 18 2016, 1:10 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

Have you read the Explosive Child? If not, read that. Find out what his underlying lagging skills are and work on them one at a a time.

Thanks.

I haven't read that book yet. I just bought a book on NLD - non verbal learning disorder and I think that "diagnosis" might fit her better than any of the other acronyms she's been labeled with. (ADHD, ASD, SPD, etc). If that's the case then we may need a completely different methodology (for example, behavior charts don't work with NLD because it's not a lack of motivation that's the problem).

Unfortunately afaik NLD is not in any DSM so getting an official diagnosis and treatment plan may not be so easy.

OP, sorry to have derailed your thread. I do find with my daughter that my emotions are reflected back exponentially. So if she'd do something that legitimately required a strong negative response I'd have to put a damper on it because instead of impressing upon her the seriousness of the situation it would only escalate. One day I decided that I'd start out very positively and see if it would work in reverse. I didn't do anything major but I did make a conscious effort to call her sweetie or zeeskeit any time I needed to address her. At the same time I made sure that I was aware of the meaning of the word so it didn't fall into a rote behavior. I also used it together with her name, not instead of her name, almost as though her middle name became this term of endearment. As was written in the other threads, I did this to impact my thoughts and feelings and in that area I do see some success.

smarty skirt

Tue, Jul 19 2016, 3:03 am

I scanned the replies quickly- aside from recommendations of books which probably mention this: I see something missing: Listen really well, each time, each spouse, show that you heard and understand what he said, ask him why he doesn't want something nicely, find the inner reason and address that, perhaps timing, try to not be so demanding and focus on that because children who become victims or agressors and they can go back and forth between the two, feel self esteem when they are listened to, more important than more superficial words or activities, then they trust you more.

Health is a Virture

Tue, Jul 19 2016, 5:51 am

amother wrote:

g that he is older and the other reason is simply that he is not doing too many things that bring on the feeling of love. We let him know when we are proud but we are certainly letting him know way too often that we are disappointed. (

your love to him should be unconditional. so that means even if he does really bad, nasty things---you STILL LOVE HIM!!

tell him that you love him. I tell my 14 year old son all the time that I love him. B'dafka when your child does something wrong and you have to "tell him off" or whatever you have to do that is when you need to say I LOVE YOU AND HASHEM LOVES YOU TOO.

I like telling my children right before they go to sleep that I love them (regardless of how our relationship went that day). When he goes to sleep, spend time with him---unconditional time--regardless of his behavior that day. Rub his back, give him a foot massage, tell him that you love him. No, he is not too old to receive any of those things. He is still a young child. You can kiss him too on his forehead is where I like to kiss my kids.

R' Hillel, the gadol hador, asked his daughter in law if she hugs and kisses her boys (they are in high school) and when she said yes. He said "good." So, no your son is definitely not too old to receive hugs, kisses, and "I love you" daily. Just what the doctor ordered!!

I once heard that there was a boy that nobody could get through too--had had very difficult upbringing, etc....so whoever was caring for him at the time used to at night when the boy was slleeping whisper to the boy numerous times at night "I love you." just from that, they saw a dramatic improvement in his behavior.

5*Mom

Tue, Jul 19 2016, 7:02 am

cbsp wrote:

Sometimes finding the right diagnosis and ultimately the right intervention can be so so hard. Hug

I don't know what kind of professional your dd has been evaluated by but a pediatric neuropsychologist can evaluate for NVLD as part of a differential diagnosis and either rule out or confirm. There are many overlapping conditions that share some common features with NVLD but there are specific diagnostic criteria for NVLD that make it different from other conditions. If you haven't yet done this, it might be worth finding an excellent pediatric neuropsychologist for a thorough eval and differential diagnosis and recommendations for intervention. It can be costly but as you know, so can not getting the right diagnosis and intervention.