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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Helping child think about/take responsibility for actions



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amother
Bronze


 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 12:11 pm
My son is 12, and despite our continued efforts, refuses to take responsibility for his actions. He acts without thinking, and then tries to deny, mitigate or shift responsibility when caught.

Today at camp he injured another child. I do not think it was malicious, but it was certainly careless and shortsighted.

How can I help him to learn to think about his actions and to take responsibility when he does something wrong? Nothing is helping.

I guarantee when I pick him up this afternoon it will be about how "the other kid was in his way, he didn't mean to, the counselors don't understand, they didn't see what happened, everyone blames him, no one likes him, it's not fair"

I need help!
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amother
Red


 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 12:20 pm
Does he get criticized a lot?
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 12:31 pm
amother wrote:
Does he get criticized a lot?


Yes, but only at times it is necessary. He is also offers a lot of love, support and positive guidance.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 12:54 pm
Have you read "Parenting With Love and Logic"? That book saved my relationship with my DD. "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" is an absolute must-read. Two books I will NEVER be without!

DD loved the problem solving aspects of it, and it made her feel so grown up and in control of her life. It helped her take responsibility, and accept consequences (NOT punishment). Kids always want everything to be "fair", and this book plays on that to your advantage.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 1:05 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Have you read "Parenting With Love and Logic"? That book saved my relationship with my DD. "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" is an absolute must-read. Two books I will NEVER be without!

DD loved the problem solving aspects of it, and it made her feel so grown up and in control of her life. It helped her take responsibility, and accept consequences (NOT punishment). Kids always want everything to be "fair", and this book plays on that to your advantage.


For a 12 year old, should I go right to "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" ?
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amother
Red


 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 1:15 pm
amother wrote:
Yes, but only at times it is necessary. He is also offers a lot of love, support and positive guidance.

Is it possible that even though as a parent you feel it is necessary, your son just feels attacked? When we're attacked we become instantly defensive. It's impossible to take responsibility for our actions while being defensive. Is he your oldest by any chance?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 2:22 pm
amother wrote:
For a 12 year old, should I go right to "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" ?


Honestly, as the mother of a 13yo DD, I would suggest you read them both. The first book will lay out the foundation, and show you how kids understand cause and effect at different stages of life.

Once you get to the Teen book, you'll get lots of real life examples, and you can see strategies to work the situations out.

IMHO, tweens are so on the cusp, that both books will work together to help you get the full idea of how to truly understand why this works, and how to make it work in your particular family. They're not elementary kids anymore, but they are not fully teens, so if you have both books you can bridge that gap. It's especially useful when your child has a moment of regression, and starts acting like a little kid - or the other way, when they start acting a little "too old" for their age.

Another thing. The first book helps you as a parent shape your child and teach him about responsibility and consequences, and the second book helps you help your child to use these techniques on himself. A 5yo can't always self regulate, but a 12yo can learn how to do it, if they know how.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Tue, Jul 26 2016, 2:34 pm
I recommend role playing with him. Have him replay it with you as himself - when he's not in the midst of it, he can better see where he went wrong - don't call him out, let him consider it himself and offer to discuss.

Also, role playing with him as the other person is also a great way to re-evaluate his behavior.
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