I pick on my daughter all day

amother

Salmon

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 10:21 am

My oldest dd irritates me with every move she makes. I know I'm picking on her excessively and I feel horrible after but I'm having such a hard time controlling myself. I'm not like this with my other kids. I am a perfectionist and I know I'm the type who thinks I do everything correctly and have a low tolerance level in general. This poor child means well but is so absent minded and gets on my nerves so easily. I wish I could feel more love for this child so I can overlook her behavior. She's not as loveable as my other children so they get away with more. I know it's not fair to her, so how do I change my feelings for her so my actions will improve?

Chayalle

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 10:37 am

Every single child is lovable. There's no child who is more lovable than the next. It's a matter of working on our own feelings - whether it's getting past the fact that the child does not have qualities we happen to value more, including whatever grieving that might involve - and working on noticing the positive qualities that child has. It's also developing a method by which we will relate to this child and sticking to it consistently - and hopefully that's a positive method.

Please, please, if you can't do this yourself, get someone - a mentor, a friend who can encourage you, or even a therapist - to work this out. Do it for your child, and most of all, do it for yourself.

You are very special that you realize this and are reaching out here. You are self-aware, you know where this comes from. You have taken the first step. You can do it.

On a practical level

*tell yourself you can let things slide with this child
*only allow yourself a certain ratio of comments called "criticism". For example I have a child whose a bit more absent-minded. If she spills the milk and I get annoyed, and 10 minutes later she knocks over the vase, I already used my "annoyance of the day" allotment, and I'm not allowed to say anything about the vase. At the very least, I learn to reign in the negative comments and she gets less picked on.....
*a very dear friend of mine (if you follow this, please let any zchus coming from positive action on this be an aliyah for her neshama) who was in the social-work/therapy field, once told me that feelings are triggered by thoughts. So the way to change how you feel about someone is by working on how you think about them. Try to make a list of your child's positive qualities. Try to read thru them whenever you can. And try to notice your child when she is acting positively. This will help change how you feel about her.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha. May you have much nachas from this child B"EH.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 10:42 am

Try to work on focusing on the positives:
- At the end of the day try to think of 3 great things your daughter did that day. Best is to write it down
- Make a rule that for every negative thing you way you will say a positive - or even 2.
- Make sure you set aside time every day to talk and really listen to her and make eye contact. Ask about favorite and worst part of her day if nothing to talk about. I had a son I was having a hard time with and I found once we started really connecting the negative feelings fell away on their own. When you look into their eyes and hear their difficulties you really see how vulnerable our children are and how much they rely on us.

My son is also slow. I find charts showing him what has to be done helps a lot. Also planning ahead - he won't do it right away, needs some prodding, but if it is done ahead it makes things less stressed. And more heads up than anyone else about upcoming events. I got him a watch and I find he appreciates having more sense of control over the situation.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 10:48 am

You say you want to change your feelings so that you can change your behavior. That is ALL WRONG. Change your behavior!!!!!! Feelings has nothing to do with it! Hopefully when you change your behavior, the feelings will follow. If the feelings don't follow, too bad. You are destroying your child and you know it. There are no excuses. Stop now!

amother

Wheat

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 10:57 am

Chayalle wrote:

once told me that feelings are triggered by thoughts. So the way to change how you feel about someone is by working on how you think about them. Try to make a list of your child's positive qualities. Try to read thru them whenever you can. And try to notice your child when she is acting positively. This will help change how you feel about her.

I agree with this 100%. I see that with one of my children and I try to fix my feelings towards him. I see an improvement from my part, but all my kids think I only complain about things they do and no one else. How that works? No idea!! Rolling Eyes

Chayalle

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:05 am

amother wrote:

That's part of life Smile

. It's closely related to its cousin, which is - everyone else's mother lets them do XYZ except you.

amother

Salmon

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:05 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Thanks for the yelling. As if I wasn't aware that I was wrong. I didn't ask if I was doing a good job or not. I stated that I need help changing. Yelling "stop it" is really effective advice in how to change.

amother

Salmon

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:09 am

amother wrote:

I agree that fixing the feelings will bring better action. I need help working on changing my feelings toward her.

amother

Denim

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:16 am

I know exactly how you feel. but its destroying you and your child. please go for professional help. describe to yourself what it is you are having a hard time with. you dont mention anything specific. I have a child with many issues. I can tell what those issues are that are a trigger for me. and I know why I feel the way I feel. I have to work very hard to control my feelings. and this child wasnt evealuated yet and needs evaluation and someone to work with me and him to figure out how to deal with him. on one hand he is a yummy kid and the other hand so so difficult. hopefully when I get an evaluation and find out whats wrong I will have some clarity.

I would love to understand if its certain behaviors or its just that you dislike this child. you need to understand it first. then you can work on what it is. are there certain behaviors that are triggering this? maybe this child is doing stuff that is not the norm. if thats the case then maybe they need help.

cbs880

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:27 am

I just want to mention something that I have found helps me.
I have a child who irritates me and I found that when I am less tired (consciously make a point of getting 8 hours of sleep instead of staying up late) I have a lot more patience to deal with my feelings of irritation...
Side note: I once heard a comment that the child who irritates you the most is the one that is the most like you and therefore the hardest for you to deal with (bec you are essentially trying to deal with yourself)..in my case, this was true.. and once I heard that, I was able to cut this child some slack putting myself in his/her shoes...

sourstix

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:31 am

[quote="amother"] [b]I am a perfectionist and I know I'm the type who thinks I do everything correctly and have a low tolerance level in general.[/b] . [b]She's not as loveable as my other children so they get away with more. [/b]I know it's not fair to her, so how do I change my feelings for her so my actions will improve?[/quote]

firstly how do you say shes not as loveable? is this how you were raised? this is one of your issues. this bothers me terribly. I love every one of my kids. yes some of them give me more challenges but it doesnt make me ever think they are not as loveable. in fact I love my more challenging kids more. I have more invested in them. and I do more for them. oh the challenges I have had. and so many of us do.

you have a child with challenges and you have to give her more love thats why its hard for you. if you will figure out what it is thats irritating to you then you will be able to work on it. easier said then done. and since when do you think you do everything correctly? none of us are perfect. so you really need to see your child that is learning new things and will not be good at it till they have experience like you do. they are not born knowing stuff. and you have low tolerance level so you need to work on that. teach your child patience and loving unconditionally. I know thats not easy. but its your job. you wont be happy untill you give this child what she needs. I know this cause I went through something similar. I also blamed myself when I reallly shouldnt have. this child has issues beyond what any parent can control. and bh is doing much better but has a long road to go.

Chayalle

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:33 am

cbs880 wrote:

Interesting, because I do find that one of my DD's is alot like me, and she's quite a character - from Mars! - and is the most challenging (and fun too...)

I once heard that the child that challenges you the most, you put in alot and end up loving in a special way, and often that is the child that goes very far in life.

amother

Lemon

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:45 am

I struggle with this too, and it's more complicated by the fact that she's not my biological daughter. She has a tough nature, so opposite of me. I'm aware that it's my problem and I'm working on my middos but it's tough. I also try to remind myself that she went through a lot having lost her mother at a young age, and she has some other things working against her but not her fault.... And I always tell myself she's just a little girl struggling to make sense of the world, etc. Still she rubs me the wrong way and it's so hard...

flowerpower

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 12:12 pm

It must be hard. Work on changing your behavior toward her. Bite your tongue each time you want to say something negative. She can't change who she is. But you can change how you are with her. Not all children are easy to deal with.I know this from experience. Work on developing a special relationship with her- do things together to build nice memories. Have a shmooze with her every night about her day.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 12:21 pm

amother wrote:

I guess I couldn't stop myself from yelling. It really irks me when mothers describe their child as unloveable. I also have a child that manages to get on my nerves. He's still very love able.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 12:59 pm

OP,

It's very hard to "just change" your feelings or behavior. I know from my experience that we tend to follow patterns set by our own experiences. I know everyone's answer is therapy, but that's what worked for me. I realized a lot about myself in the process of becoming a much better and happier mother. I felt very comfortable with the boundaries I set and the ways I responded when DC tried to push my buttons. Being a good parent is hard. Kudos for realizing how hard it is. I promise a good therapist can help!

amother

Mauve

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 1:05 pm

I was that unloveable child. My mother probably could have written this post.

Your child sees straight through you, senses what you feel, and it affects them every single day, years later. I still struggle to love myself and believe that others love me, after 3 years of therapy.

I know you know this, and I know you're trying to correct this.

Please, do whatever it takes to work through this. Even if it means therapy, a parenting coach or something else you might think it is drastic.

You don't want your child growing up without that foundation of love and acceptance that every single person needs in order to grow up secure enough to face life successfully. People that don't receive must fight an upwards battle to give themselves the unconditional love and acceptance they didn't get as a child, and it is brutally, painfully hard.

Please don't let your daughter be that child.