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WWYD woman in supermarket rude about DDs tantrum
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amother
Violet


 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 9:26 am
Today my 4.5 year old DD was having a tantrum in line at the supermarket over a snack she wanted me to buy. DD was relentless and annoying and loud. I was next in line and this was all my Shabbos shopping and leaving wasn't an option.

The older woman (in her 60s) in one aisle over, instead of sympathizing, said to me sharply, "Just give her something so she'll stop screaming!" (the only thing that would get her to stop the tantrum at that point would be to give her what she wanted which I did not want to do).

What would you have said to the woman? How would you have handled the child? This was in Israel by the way.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 9:27 am
I would politely ignore the woman's interfering with my parenting, wait my turn in the checkout, and carry on with my life. Maybe I'd say a short prayer that she not end up being my daughter's MIL one day.
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cnc




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 9:28 am
I would just ignore her.
I've been in the situation and that's what I do.
My husband is more polite and tells the person giving unsolicited advice "thank you".
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 9:30 am
I would have ignored the woman and continued to deal with my child in whatever manner I wanted to.

If it's one thing I learned as a mother, it's that we don't have to take other's opinions of our childrearing seriously. (As long as our kids are not abused or neglected, of course)
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 9:40 am
Ignore her.

I was once in a similar situation with all 4 kids (they were babies then) and DD 2 yrs old was carrying on. A woman next to me tried to "help" by commenting a few times so I told her, since she's obviously better at this than I am, if she takes this child I'll throw in the other 3 for free. Very Happy
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 10:05 am
Agree with those saying you don't need to respond. But one thing I'll say, because you say she looked older, some older people truly have a hard time dealing with loud noise.

This happened with my mother. Suddenly, she can't deal with kids screaming. It's like the volume is physically painful for her.

It could be that the woman was not so much trying to be condescending to you, as much as, she really couldn't deal with the loud volume.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 10:17 am
Laiya wrote:
Agree with those saying you don't need to respond. But one thing I'll say, because you say she looked older, some older people truly have a hard time dealing with loud noise.

This happened with my mother. Suddenly, she can't deal with kids screaming. It's like the volume is physically painful for her.

It could be that the woman was not so much trying to be condescending to you, as much as, she really couldn't deal with the loud volume.


This is true. My parents had 12 of us B"AH, so you can imagine, we were not exactly quiet....and now I find my father is getting older, and it's harder for him when things get noisy and hectic. They get old, and they just want peace and quiet.

Still, the OP does not have to respond or change anything. Certainly, she does not have to give in to whatever her child demands, just because an older woman can't handle it.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 10:22 am
Op, I hope it doesn't bother you. Don't lose sleep over it. Please!!!!!! People that are older think they can give us advice. It is probably not the last time you will get looks or comments. Best thing is to give a smile and ignore. They don't mean you. They mean themselves. Don't take it personal.
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anonymrs




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 10:36 am
When my daughter was 3 years old, she had a full-blown, vicious tantrum, kicking, screaming and attacking me because she did not want to leave a store. So I was just standing near her, waiting for her to calm down, becuase I know that eventually she calms down on her own.

A lady came over to me "I'm a social worker, can I tell you what you're supposed to do?" And then without even waiting for a response, she continues, "You need to just pick her up and blah blah blah blah blah" (I turned her out by then, so I have no idea what she said.) I just stared her down, and continued standing there, waiting for dd to calm down.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 10:42 am
OP here: Thank you everyone for your kind responses.

Those of you who pointed out about the noise bothering the woman are on the dot. It was more like "your daughter is grating on my nerves, do something" rather than "let me give you some parenting advice."

I feel like maybe I wasn't so sensitive. . I was very frustrated and sarcastically said to her "I'm so sorry, is my daughter bothering you? Look you're almost finished checking out and you won't have to hear her"... I know it's not the worst thing, but I probably instead should have apologized and pretended to make an effort to calm DD down.

Also I wasn't sure if I should have felt responsible to minimize disturbing other people in a supermarket? It's not like it's a fancy restaurant, right??
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 10:50 am
You were not nice. I can understand why though. You were overwhelmed and it is never fun to have a child tantruming, and for sure not in public. It is still more your job to work on your own midos then to educate an elderly woman who is shopping.
If my child was tantruming in public, I probably would not give in to the child's tantrums, but I would feel bad for the people around me... YOu gotta do what you gotta do......but at least recognize how it effects others.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 10:58 am
When you are in public, it doesn't matter where, you have to show that you are involved and care what is happening. In private is totally a different story. You have to try to calm your daughter down and show you are trying to control the situation. Being in public with a screaming child is never fun but to just ignore her and give comments to those that are getting annoyed shouldn't be your first option.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 11:14 am
We've all been there. It's no fun, but remember, by not giving in, you're ensuring it won't still be happening when she's 6. The best thing to do is ignore the Busybodies but if the other person continues bother you, you can tell them where to stick their ideas. I've done that a few times too :-)
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 11:20 am
A grown woman has the ability to walk away from something that bothers her. A child in mid melt-down does not have the ability to self regulate. I would simply ignore her and tend to my child.

B'H, my daughter has never thrown a fit in public, but I know several moms who have kids on the spectrum, and the abuse they get from strangers in stores is horrible. Have a little sympathy for the poor mom who is doing the best she can - and if you can't help, go somewhere else! Public places are just that. Public. You've got options.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 11:30 am
I agree, do what you gotta do and ignore comments.

Once a woman complained loudly because my child had a dirty diaper. Yes, I know he pooped. Let me finish my shopping and get home so I can tend to him. Do you expect me to change him in the aisle?
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amother
Violet


 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 11:40 am
flowerpower wrote:
When you are in public, it doesn't matter where, you have to show that you are involved and care what is happening. In private is totally a different story. You have to try to calm your daughter down and show you are trying to control the situation. Being in public with a screaming child is never fun but to just ignore her and give comments to those that are getting annoyed shouldn't be your first option.


I think you're right flower, and that was my mistake... I make a point to ignore my child during tantrums but I can see how that would be misunderstood and resented by those around her.

And thanks everyone else for your insight too. I'm actually an older, seasoned mother but my other kids were angels compared to this one and I never dealt with store tantrums before!
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 11:46 am
A tip for next shopping experience, tell your dd before going into the store that she can chose one thing at the end for good behavior or whatever else you prefer. That helps prevent tantrums many times.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 11:56 am
I've found that some older people (that would be my own parents) can no longer handle noise. This isn't your fault and there isn't much you can do about it. If anything, people with this sensory issue need to recognize it and act accordingly. Children throwing temper tantrums will happen in public spaces and so long as you aren't shlepping out their tantrum, your existence and your child's existence for those brief moments are par for the course of shopping in a place frequented by families.

And while she might have wanted you to "end it already" by buying the treat, we all know that once you end it, it will become a regularly occurring event every.time.you.shop. Your job as a parent is to parent. Perhaps in the future you might determine that a child with low shopping tolerance should get the chance to pick the cookies out, but at this particular moment your answer was no and your job as a parent was to follow through with no. . . . and now society is better for it even if his older women couldn't manage it.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 12:03 pm
amother wrote:
I think you're right flower, and that was my mistake... I make a point to ignore my child during tantrums but I can see how that would be misunderstood and resented by those around her.


You are the parent. Is ignoring the best strategy or is feeding the child's tempter tantrum the best strategy. I have no idea. Different kids, different results.

Bottom line is that people are generally uncomfortable with other people's parenting, no matter how steller. It is uncomfortable for people to watch my kid have a fit and it is uncomfortable for me when your kid has a fit.

Shopping with a kid having a fit is the WORST. Everyone around you want do something and do nothing at the same time.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 12:09 pm
If ignoring works then fine. But to all others in the store, it may seem like you are ignoring the whole situation. Just show that you are involved so others won't try to get involved. Understand what I am trying to say?
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