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WWYD woman in supermarket rude about DDs tantrum
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 4:13 pm
I'm 40 yrs old and I can't stand it when babies or kids cry. It's crazy; but taht's how it is. I dont know if it's an auditory sensory thing, or an ADHD thing - it makes me lose concentration - but it's been a problem all my life bc it causes me to give in to my kids' tantrums. Now in the bungalow colony it's even worse; bc most mothers don't give in to their children and I find myself constantly sitting in the shmooze circle with people's screaming toddlers and when I try to intervene they tell me, "It's healthy for children to cry." Gahhhhh!!! But what *I* usually do, is not criticize the mom, but smile at the child and try to soothe them. It usually works! They are shocked and stop their crying and stare at me. LOL
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 4:24 pm
so how should she show others in the store that she is tryingg to calm the situattion?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 4:28 pm
So, it probably wouldn't have been right to say, "were you volunteering to give my daughter a present? How kind of you! But I've been taught never to negotiate with misbehavior. Not with terrorists, and not with 4 year olds". But it would have been tempting.

Probably the best thing to do is a frazzled smile, and an apology that DD is being so noisy. "I'm sorry, it's rough for everyone, we'll be finished and gone very soon."

At least the lady didn't offer to smack her to shut her up. I have heard stories like that, too.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 4:52 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
A grown woman has the ability to walk away from something that bothers her. A child in mid melt-down does not have the ability to self regulate. I would simply ignore her and tend to my child.

B'H, my daughter has never thrown a fit in public, but I know several moms who have kids on the spectrum, and the abuse they get from strangers in stores is horrible. Have a little sympathy for the poor mom who is doing the best she can - and if you can't help, go somewhere else! Public places are just that. Public. You've got options.


100%.

I once saw a mother getting nasty looks because her older son was staring screen first in his tablet while trailing her in the grocery store. I know enough to realize that he was using a PEC system, which is a common means of communication for older children who have low/no verbal skills. (One of my children has an autism diagnosis.) I didn't want to say that outright (she's entitled to her privacy), so I complimented her and her son on what a good job they were doing of shopping as a team, unlike the other families in the store who were fighting tooth and nail over which snacks to buy. She looked so happy to feel appreciated for the good job that she was doing as a parent in that crowded store, and, hopefully, realized the implict "you're not the only one."
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amother
Gray


 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 4:56 pm
sourstix wrote:
so how should she show others in the store that she is tryingg to calm the situattion?


She doesn't need to publicly announce her parenting strategies for strangers.

When you go out into a public venue, you need to deal with everyone else in that public venue. Everyone knows that kids throw tantrums in grocery stores. If her child wasn't violating a store policy or creating a hazard for the reasonably situated shopper, she is entitled to deal with it however she chooses, no questions asked.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 6:06 pm
Personally I am the type that I will give in to my daughter much easier in public than at home because I don't like public scenes but a person in entitled to give their child proper chinuch and other people have too deal
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nachasmom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 7:04 pm
Speaking as an "older" woman, I understand the lady. I am not saying she was right but I do understand her. Nobody likes to see a screaming child in a store. It is not fair for the mother or the bystander.
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nachasmom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2016, 7:06 pm
Also I'd like to know since when is 60 old?
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petiteruchy




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 30 2016, 2:30 pm
Don't worry, she would have judged you if you'd given in and bought her a treat too, probably muttered something under her breath about "spoiled brats these days".

You did fine.
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israelgirl




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 30 2016, 5:31 pm
I had such fun reading this (I'm sorry!) It's just the joys of toddlers-it makes me smile. Happens all the time here. I go on the bus and a tantrum starts and I just look at everyone and smile from ear to ear. Most people get it.

Of course you get those who offer advice or criticize too...I was in the veg store once with 2 toddlers and a baby. I ran in to get a bag of carrots and my baby started screaming. I was about to come to him when the owner yelled YOUR BABY IS CRYING WOMAN!!! I looked at him and said, thank you SO much for telling me-I'd have never heard him myself! He was just quiet after that. You get understanding people who help and then....others Smile

Israel though Smile Everything is everyone's business-they mean well, they do Smile

I once heard a great quote-"I'm sorry, was the middle of my sentence interrupting the beginning of yours?" The things we feel we need to apologize for! You did FINE.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Sat, Jul 30 2016, 10:25 pm
I totally disagree with almost all of you.
The lady wasn't commenting on ops parenting, she was commenting on her rudeness in allowing her child to continue screaming and disturbing everyone else in the store. In her place(and yes, I've been there) I would have either left the store mid shopping with the screaming kid, or compromised my usual chinuch policy by giving in to shut her up. Neither is much fun,but staying in a store with a kid who is disturbing the other people present is not an option. This is not about parenting, that's a red herring.
And to the poster who was annoyed at the lady who told her off about the smelly diaper- !!!! Of course you don't continue shopping with a stinky baby who is disturbing other people!!! Find someplace to change the baby, that's why you have changing supplies in your pocketbook!!!
Sometimes you just can't. You can't make the child be quiet, or you can't change the diaper, or whatever. But my goodness, act apologetic! Thes posters seek to think the world is an extension of their private living rooms!
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 30 2016, 11:13 pm
Mama Bear wrote:
I'm 40 yrs old and I can't stand it when babies or kids cry. It's crazy; but taht's how it is. I dont know if it's an auditory sensory thing, or an ADHD thing - it makes me lose concentration - but it's been a problem all my life bc it causes me to give in to my kids' tantrums. Now in the bungalow colony it's even worse; bc most mothers don't give in to their children and I find myself constantly sitting in the shmooze circle with people's screaming toddlers and when I try to intervene they tell me, "It's healthy for children to cry." Gahhhhh!!! But what *I* usually do, is not criticize the mom, but smile at the child and try to soothe them. It usually works! They are shocked and stop their crying and stare at me. LOL

Letting a child cry while others around are trying to have a conversation is very rude, and you are right that it would drive anyone crazy. It's certainly a different scenario than shopping in a supermarket, where the woman can go down the next aisle. I can't believe people let their kids cry in the circle instead of removing themselves until the child calms down. I would have a nervous breakdown Smile
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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2016, 12:17 am
amother wrote:
I agree, do what you gotta do and ignore comments.

Once a woman complained loudly because my child had a dirty diaper. Yes, I know he pooped. Let me finish my shopping and get home so I can tend to him. Do you expect me to change him in the aisle?


It's not nice to make strangers smell poop, and possibly have the smell cling to them if they're close enough so they get to smell that, too. At least ask if there's a restroom you can use to change him, or if you drove there then ask if you can leave your cart while you change him in your car?
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2016, 12:24 am
amother wrote:
I totally disagree with almost all of you.
The lady wasn't commenting on ops parenting, she was commenting on her rudeness in allowing her child to continue screaming and disturbing everyone else in the store. In her place(and yes, I've been there) I would have either left the store mid shopping with the screaming kid, or compromised my usual chinuch policy by giving in to shut her up. Neither is much fun,but staying in a store with a kid who is disturbing the other people present is not an option. This is not about parenting, that's a red herring.
And to the poster who was annoyed at the lady who told her off about the smelly diaper- !!!! Of course you don't continue shopping with a stinky baby who is disturbing other people!!! Find someplace to change the baby, that's why you have changing supplies in your pocketbook!!!
Sometimes you just can't. You can't make the child be quiet, or you can't change the diaper, or whatever. But my goodness, act apologetic! Thes posters seek to think the world is an extension of their private living rooms!


I agree with you but I don't have kids so I don't know if my expectations are unrealistic.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2016, 1:02 am
amother wrote:

And to the poster who was annoyed at the lady who told her off about the smelly diaper- !!!! Of course you don't continue shopping with a stinky baby who is disturbing other people!!! Find someplace to change the baby, that's why you have changing supplies in your pocketbook!!!
Sometimes you just can't. You can't make the child be quiet, or you can't change the diaper, or whatever. But my goodness, act apologetic! Thes posters seek to think the world is an extension of their private living rooms!


I was once on the subway when a woman laid her baby across an empty seat, and cool as a cucumber changed his soiled diaper in the small, very public compartment! Whew

There was nowhere we could go, and nothing we could do other than inhale the stench in the recycled air. She didn't even offer an apology.

Some people...
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2016, 1:27 am
amother wrote:
I totally disagree with almost all of you.
The lady wasn't commenting on ops parenting, she was commenting on her rudeness in allowing her child to continue screaming and disturbing everyone else in the store. In her place(and yes, I've been there) I would have either left the store mid shopping with the screaming kid, or compromised my usual chinuch policy by giving in to shut her up. Neither is much fun,but staying in a store with a kid who is disturbing the other people present is not an option. This is not about parenting, that's a red herring.
And to the poster who was annoyed at the lady who told her off about the smelly diaper- !!!! Of course you don't continue shopping with a stinky baby who is disturbing other people!!! Find someplace to change the baby, that's why you have changing supplies in your pocketbook!!!
Sometimes you just can't. You can't make the child be quiet, or you can't change the diaper, or whatever. But my goodness, act apologetic! Thes posters seek to think the world is an extension of their private living rooms!


I don't have children yet and am very very sensitive to babies' screaming- it drives me insane. And I totally disagree with you.
It takes a village to raise a child. We're all one human race, and if we're going to continue to survive, we're going to have to accept the fact that people will have children and some children will throw tantrums. A parent doesn't have to compromise her chinuch policies every time a child throws a tantrum (thereby encouraging more tantrums) nor does she have to teach the child that the child can control the mother and make the mother leave a store by throwing a tantrum. Suggesting a mother should compromise on her chinuch policies, or spoil her children is also ultimately detrimental to the society, which will then be composed of these children. A society that wants to survive and thrive is a society that will be welcoming to parents and their children.

So yes, it drives me nuts when babies scream. I absolutely hate it. I might move away if I'm able to. But trying to blame someone for it? It's like trying to blame someone for a rainy day. Screaming babies are a fact of life. You're fine OP.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2016, 6:54 am
amother wrote:
I totally disagree with almost all of you.
The lady wasn't commenting on ops parenting, she was commenting on her rudeness in allowing her child to continue screaming and disturbing everyone else in the store. In her place(and yes, I've been there) I would have either left the store mid shopping with the screaming kid, or compromised my usual chinuch policy by giving in to shut her up. Neither is much fun,but staying in a store with a kid who is disturbing the other people present is not an option. This is not about parenting, that's a red herring.
And to the poster who was annoyed at the lady who told her off about the smelly diaper- !!!! Of course you don't continue shopping with a stinky baby who is disturbing other people!!! Find someplace to change the baby, that's why you have changing supplies in your pocketbook!!!
Sometimes you just can't. You can't make the child be quiet, or you can't change the diaper, or whatever. But my goodness, act apologetic! Thes posters seek to think the world is an extension of their private living rooms!


OP said that she was was already in line to pay.

While the tantrum in line is unpleasant, hopefully, the line moves relatively quickly. The other options seem worse. Would it have been less rude to scoop up the child and walk out, leaving a cartfull for someone else to have to put away? Or to take the time to put everything back while kid was screaming, which might have taken just as long as paying and leaving?

All that being said, OP, there are things you can do differently. I have several challenging kids, and shopping trips used to be difficult. You can increase her ability by choosing times to shop when DD is well rested, reviewing rules, rewarding good behavior, keeping a favorite toy for distraction, looking for meltdown signs so that if a tantrum begins to build, you can finish up sooner and get out before meltdown, and keeping trips with her short. Gradually build on success.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2016, 7:35 am
amother wrote:
I totally disagree with almost all of you.
The lady wasn't commenting on ops parenting, she was commenting on her rudeness in allowing her child to continue screaming and disturbing everyone else in the store. In her place(and yes, I've been there) I would have either left the store mid shopping with the screaming kid, or compromised my usual chinuch policy by giving in to shut her up. Neither is much fun,but staying in a store with a kid who is disturbing the other people present is not an option. This is not about parenting, that's a red herring.
And to the poster who was annoyed at the lady who told her off about the smelly diaper- !!!! Of course you don't continue shopping with a stinky baby who is disturbing other people!!! Find someplace to change the baby, that's why you have changing supplies in your pocketbook!!!
Sometimes you just can't. You can't make the child be quiet, or you can't change the diaper, or whatever. But my goodness, act apologetic! Thes posters seek to think the world is an extension of their private living rooms!

No, we fully understand the world is not our living room, but our children are entitled to be a part of the general public and it's our obligation as parents to teach them how. Tantrums from toddlers are a fact of life. When you leave your house, you assume the risk of possibly encountering one (and a whole host of other annoyances. Frankly, I'll take a Tantrum over an adult loudly discussing their hemorrhoids on their cell phone any day. At least I know toddlers are still learning self control. What's the adult's excuse?) I would leave the store if child was fussing while I was still doing my shopping, and I have done so. I'm not leaving a full cart at the checkout though. Sorry, I'm not undoing a 45 minute or longer errand to save you 5 minutes of discomfort. And ignore chinuch? Sorry, not gonna do that either. Bad behavior does not get rewarded, ever. That's how you ensure it continues. I'm sorry you have to listen to it for 5 minutes while I pay and get out of the store, but those 5 minutes are an investment in my child not being a jerk 5 years from now (and beyond). Funny how the same people who can't handle a child's wail in public are the first to complain about how "kids today" are oh so spoiled and "parents today" are oh so incompetent. You can't have it both ways. Let parents do their jobs without having to kowtow to anonymous strangers.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2016, 8:39 am
I dont fully remember, but I once heard in a speech the term "emergency chinuch" that there may be situations like this when you can bend the rules a little in an emegency.

I feel in a supermarket both sides need to be a little more accommodating. People shouldn't be so judgmental. But parents of screaming toddlers should smile and be polite to others who are being bothered and offer a quick explanation. And in general try to appear like they're putting in an effort. Hopefully then passerbys will be a little more understanding.
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eachdaysagift




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2016, 9:06 am
The entitlement! Raising a child is not easy but it was your decision have this small human and now it is your responsibility to care for it. Our inability to parent or inability to leave a particularly difficult child at home does not mean everyone around us must suffer. A grocery store is not the place for screaming, tantruming children. You as the Mom, who chose to have this kid, are the one responsible for their innapropriate behavior bothering other people. Why is 45 minutes of your time worth more than the 10 minutes multiplied by every person enduring your child's ear piercing screams? Remove the child, use whatever chinuch tactics you choose in a place not interfering with others and redo your shopping later. If you know that the child can't yet behave in a store or other public place, don't take them. Call your local chessed organization if you don't have a husband who can help or money to pay a babysitter.
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