Tantrums | Imamother

lefty1

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 9:42 am

My 21 month old cries anytime he doesn't get what he wants. Full blown meltdown. Sometimes it feels like it's almost not worth it to do nice things/give him things he wants because when he wants more and can't have ,he has such a terrible tantrum. Like if we go somewhere he enjoys but then it's time to leave, or if he has a treat but then wants more and we decided it's enough.
Does this sound normal? terrible twos? I don't see the other kids in playgroup having these kind of tantrums.
Any advice on how to deal with it?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 9:45 am

Totally normal!

When leaving some place, give him a 5 minute warning, a 3 minute warning, and then time to go.

For other things, just be firm and consistent. Don't give him any emotional reaction, just be matter of fact and let him throw his fit. He'll figure out pretty soon that tantrums are not working for him.

Hang in there, and don't cave in! If you do, you'll never hear the end of it.

chavs

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 9:46 am

*sigh* I've had an exhausting day with my toddler and can only say that loads of loud tantrums sound like my day. Can't say if it's normal but he's my third and my others were the same. Husband came home from work. I handed over the kids and am taking a breather. Toddlers are in my experience exhausting!

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 10:10 am

Normal, at least as far as I can tell from your description.

Abrupt changes of scene or schedule can be difficult for toddlers. Also, their desire for independence far outweighs their ability or authority. It can be profoundly frustrating for them, and they do not understand adult priorities. Think of toddlers as little adolescents.

Try to find opportunities for your baby to set the schedule and get his way. It's not spoiling him to respect his developmental need for autonomy. Try to stick to routines as much as you can, and as noted above, give plenty of advance notice of, well, everything.

Don't reschedule nap or snack time. Even the mellowest toddler freaks out easily when overtired or hungry.

Do not attempt to reason with a tantruming child. Once it's in full swing, it may have to run its course. Don't give in if you really don't want him to have more candy, for example, or you will only reinforce undesirable behavior.

And ignore passers-by giving you the stink eye! IME there are very few people who actually care if your child is making noise; the rest are indifferent or remember what it's like. Sometimes we imagine the worst when we feel self-conscious.

chani8

Tue, Aug 02 2016, 2:40 am

His tantrums are normal and you should see them as a test of your strength. He needs to be given all that good that you want to give him, but when it's over or not good for him, he needs you to be strong.

In my experience, some kids really need Mom to be the Captain. Captains take good care of those under them, but ultimately they are in charge, always.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Aug 02 2016, 2:48 am

chani8 wrote:

DD is exactly like this. She's very independent, but that is terrifying to her. She needs to push against boundaries HARD, and she needs to know that they will be firm and will not give way. In the end, it makes her feel much more secure.

Think of boundaries as a guard rails on a curvy, mountain road. They're not there to frustrate you, oppress you, or make you feel bad about yourself, they're there to keep you from getting hurt. You are your child's guard rail, and you need to let them know exactly how much road they get to travel on. Within those bounds, they can have all the freedom they want, but not more than that. (An this applies double to teens!)

Would you rather be a guard rail made out of cotton candy and marshmallows, or a guard rail made out of steel? You child thinks that the first one would be wonderful, but actually NEEDS the second type.

To push the analogy a bit further, if I may, remember that steel bends in extreme cases. Don't be concrete, it holds firm, but eventually will shatter with enough force.

amother

Slategray

Tue, Aug 02 2016, 4:37 am

Stating boundaries in a calm way is good. Turning into a toddler yourself and yelling and getting angry is not. When you demonstrate that the behavior is not ok but you can control yourself, you model what your child needs to learn.

A lot has to do with how verbal they are, in my opinion. My oldest was extremely tantrum-y, where my next was not, because at 2 my oldest only had a couple words, where my second was speaking well by then. It is a very frustrating time--their opinions and desires are clear, but they don't understand the reasons why you are saying no and cannot communicate so well.

So yes, this sounds like normal tantrums. It is always a good idea to look at the other areas that may be a stress for you child to check if that is exasperating the problem. What exactly goes on at the babysitter? How does she discipline? Are there other kids there that hit him? Did you just have another baby and he feels replaced? Did you recently go out to work? (etc)
Sometimes the extreme tantrums are a call for love and attention.