Kvatter and sandek and mohel - oh my!

amother

Bisque

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 10:53 am

okay, I do know what a mohel is, but what are the others?
we are both BT and didnt have this child until later in life, at this point of integration into frum society I feel awkward asking IRL and drawing attention. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable baring my ignorance too...

What do they each do? What does it mean? Who do we choose? Is there any other position/kavod that I am missing? Which is most important?

amother

Khaki

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 10:58 am

Kvatter is given to a couple, wife hands baby to her husband, who carries the baby to the bris. It's an honor, that's often given to a childless couple as it's considered a segulah for becoming pregnant.
Sandek is the biggest honor, as he holds baby on his lap, as bris is performed. Usually given to an honorable person in parents life.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 10:59 am

sandek is the one that holds the baby during the bris. Its usually given to an honorable person, its a very b'kavodik honor.
kvatter is the couple that brings the baby in, usually given to someone who is ttc but can be given to others

there are also other k'budim such as holding the baby during naming, someone to give the name, holding the baby during the brachos, someone to say the brachos, someone to put the baby on kesia eliyahu

amother

Bisque

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 11:08 am

thank you!!! do the other kibbudum have names? are they 'real', or just in case you don't want to slight anyone?

m in Israel

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 11:23 am

If the baby is already born it may be a bit late for you to be running around buying/borrowing books, but just wanted to let you know that Rabbi Khron's Bris Milah book is actually a great resource. He goes through everything step by step and explains all the kibbudim, etc.

http://www.artscroll.com/Books......html

https://www.amazon.com/Bris-Mi.....61974

Here's his list of kibbudim for Ashkenazim(explanations are mine):
Kvater/Kvatterin -- a woman and man (usually a married couple) who bring the baby into the room (the mother gives the baby to the woman who passes him to the man who brings him in)
Kisai Shel Eliyahu The person who puts the baby down on the Kisai Shel Eliyahu at the beginning. In some circles this is also considered a "big" Kavod
Miyad Hakisai removing the baby from the Kisai Shel Eliyahu and handing him to the Sandek. Or the mohel can just do it himself.
Sandek -- holds the baby during the actual bris. As said before this is the most "chashuve". There also is a minhag not to give it to the same person twice in the same family (I.e. if you have another baby boy you wouldn't use the same Sandek)
Mevarech The person who says the first two Brachos after the bris. Is often said by the mohel or sandek.
Amida al Habracha THe person who holds the baby during above mentioned brachos.
Krias Shem The person who says the part where the baby gets the name. This is also considered very chashuv. Sometimes the brachos and the Krias Shem are combined and all given to one person.
Amida Shniya The person who holds the baby during the naming. It is also often combined with Amida al Habracha -- I.e. one person holds the baby during both the brachos and the krias shem.

Then of course after the seudah you have the person who leads the zimun. There are also a bunch of extra "harachaman"s added to bentching at a bris. In some communities these are said by the person leading the zimun, in some they are said by the mohel, and in some a different person says each one (kind of like the brachos at a sheva brachos). There are 6 of them, so that is potentially another 6 kibbudim if you want (but you can only give them to people who have stayed until bentching Smile

)

amother

Taupe

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 12:07 pm

Most mohels will you a list of what you need for the bris, which includes the list of honors (some of which are important and some of which are optional). No need to feel embarrassed. I'm FFB and have several boys and never remembered from Baby to baby exactly how it was done. Just ask the mohel for list. It anyway helps for planning purposes to write down who you want for each thing.

heidi

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 12:58 pm

FFB here-- had no clue about any of this stuff till I had my first boy-- and had to be reminded with every boy born after.
Mazal Tov!

amother

Bisque

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 2:33 pm

ok. wow. thanks so so so so much- for taking the time to explain all of this, and fir all the rest of you for making me feel normal at this particularly weepy juncture Smile

hila

Thu, Aug 04 2016, 1:40 am

Since you are going to be a bit overwhelmed at the Brit probably - get the list ready , one for the mohel, and one for a friend who can tell the people what they will be doing. And who can ad-lib if they dont turn up and substitute someone. If someone refuses Qvatter - dont pressure them. Som couples without kids are fed up with this "segula" or they may be nida.

And it is all minhag. Dont get upset. Talk to the mohel beforehand. The one we had for my latest grandson was amazing, English speaking and SO nice. From Kedumim I think.
Mazal Tov

m in Israel

Thu, Aug 04 2016, 2:26 am

Like Hila said, it is probably worth talking to the kvatter in advance to tell them you plan on giving them this honor. In addition to allowing them to turn it down if they want to, you also need to make sure they are there on time because obviously the bris can't start till the baby comes in Smile