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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
Amber
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Fri, Aug 05 2016, 6:08 pm
I was completly not prepared for parenting. Didn't grow up with little kids around. No experience with kids at all. I didn't react well to the teenage years of dd. Now with my younger dd I just not pay attention to all the explosive behavior. Did this happen to you also?
I am do devastated about it. All the damage I did.
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amother
Green
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Fri, Aug 05 2016, 6:43 pm
Can you tell the child that?
Can you offer therapy to help resolve those issues? Joint sessions maybe, if the child wants it?
You did the best you knew how. That has to count for something.
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amother
Indigo
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Fri, Aug 05 2016, 6:53 pm
As my aunt always says, that's why the oldest gets double yerusha...
It's a real thing. Oldests are often "learned on".
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amother
Lemon
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Fri, Aug 05 2016, 7:09 pm
I don't feel bad about what I did but about my inaction when I saw abusive behavior towards the kids from my husband. I knew it was abusive but I was young confused and scared. BH he's gotten a lot better with the younger ones but what he did to the older ones will always haunt me.
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amother
Blush
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Fri, Aug 05 2016, 7:16 pm
Wow I think I could have wrote this myself.
Last year I was so down on myself, because of this.
For weeks on end so sad, just could not forgive myself.
I sat down and had a long heart to heart with H-Shem.
During my melt down rant I started to ask to be for given, I started to ask for DD to forgive me, I started to ask to forgive myself.
After this talk I saw big miracles.
The day after I asked H-Shem "permission" to forgive myself, DD called out of the blue. She hardly ever calls. She said mommy I don't want to dwell on it too much but can we just forgive each other.
I also said to H-Shem, I messed up only YOU can fix this.
Our relationship today is luke warm, at least not blizzard cold, she doesn't call as often as I like, but she's always telling her other brothers and sisters what a great mom I am, on CHAT, so I get to see it, and it gives me nachos that she appreciates and understands I didn't know how to handle her.
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amother
Ginger
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Sat, Aug 06 2016, 3:53 pm
I feel like I messed up big time with my two oldest. They are young adults now and I feel so bad about so many things. I feel if I'd done things differently many problems would have been prevented.
I am so much more loving and accepting with my younger kids, and they are well-adjusted, popular, happy kids. The older ones not so much.
It hurts and I try to fix things but it's not the same.
I wish people could start parenting at the third child. The first two should be trial runs on computer babies or something.
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amother
Babypink
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Sat, Aug 06 2016, 10:31 pm
If you don't mind sharing, what specifically did you do differently with your older children that you think might have negatively effected them?
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amother
Amber
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Sun, Aug 07 2016, 12:29 am
amother wrote: | If you don't mind sharing, what specifically did you do differently with your older children that you think might have negatively effected them? |
I got really upset when she talked bad to me and didn't realized that the self centered attitude is just a teenage stage. And a bunch of other stuff. I wasn't sensitive enough to see how she is such a nice person even though she didn't act in a nice way toward me.
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amother
Brunette
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Sun, Aug 07 2016, 12:36 am
At least I see I'm not the mere few, but most likely from majority. If it's written that eldest get double, it must be so, which calms me a bit.
I don't think I was a horrible mother back then, but I definitely learned on DC and therefore, made mistakes.
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heidi
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Sun, Aug 07 2016, 1:08 am
amother wrote: | If you don't mind sharing, what specifically did you do differently with your older children that you think might have negatively effected them? |
She wrote what. Look at her previous posts.
OP, ask your children to forgive you. Tell them exactly what you wrote-- that you were young and scared and now feel horrible. Understand if they don't want to have a relationship with you- -don't push them--hopefully they will forgive you someday.
Protect the children still in your house at any cost.
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amother
Teal
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Sun, Aug 07 2016, 1:28 am
There is no perfection in parenting, just years of practice. Some women have more tools than others when it comes to understanding behavior, stages of growth and development and parenting techniques. Some can cope better with teens than with terrible twos.
IMHO I don't think its ever too late to discuss this with adult children and ask for their forgiveness. But first you will need to forgive yourself and that may be the hardest part.
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amother
Ginger
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Sun, Aug 07 2016, 2:13 am
amother wrote: | At least I see I'm not the mere few, but most likely from majority. If it's written that eldest get double, it must be so, which calms me a bit.
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Eldest boy gets double, not eldest girl. It has nothing to do with compensating for bad parenting, just patriarchy's way of giving him the authority and ability to lead the family down the line.
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amother
Amber
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Sun, Aug 07 2016, 11:52 am
I wish I had experience raising children before I got married. If I was growing up with extended family and saw my mother or relatives dealing with Children of all ages and even helped them take care of the kids, it would have been a life saver for me. Maybe we should have a must parenting courses before marriage. The same as going to a kala teacher.
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