Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Decision-Making Trouble, Advice Please!



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Vermilion


 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2016, 5:16 pm
DS age 10 has significant trouble when it comes to making decisions. This proves problematic on a daily basis, most specifically with decisions that should come naturally without much thought.

Example: He's getting into pyjamas but then doesn't know where to put the erasers he had in his pocket that he would like to take to school tomorrow.

It's as if there's a blockage in his brain that won't allow him to do anything until he knows where to put them but he won't come up with an idea of where to put them. There are cupboards in his room, and he has his own drawer. I've tried leaving it with him until he comes up with an idea himself but that is impossible as hours will pass without a resolution. And I mean it when I say hours. I've hinted some ideas occasionally but that too wasn't enough. He actually needs me to tell him where to put it or else he's stuck!

Some more: On a number of occasions we've taken him to the grocery to choose a treat and it inevitably takes forever for him to choose and decide. In those cases he does eventually decide but it's extremely frustrating for all parties and is accompanied by many questions on his part. He has the same issue with choosing a fruit before bedtime.

How can I provide him with decision-making skills so that he doesn't get so paralysed by things that require decisions?
Back to top

trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2016, 5:59 pm
Can you limit his options? Pick between apple and orange, only. Is he in general a slow processor? Maybe he could get a heads up for upcoming decisions. In 2 hours it is snack time and you can then only choose between apple and orange. We are going to the store and you may only choose one bag of chips.

If he hasn't yet learned to problem solve, talk him through the solutions. You can put the eraser either in your drawer or in your backpack. If you put it in the drawer, you will need to remember to take it tom. How can you remember that?

Set a timer that is visual and say, in 5 minutes if you haven't made a decision you lose the opportunity (not that you'll decide for him but that he'll have to wait til next time to decide)

I always thought I was a bad decision maker but I've since realized I just need more processing time. Like to decide to go away for shab I need to first visualize what I'll bring, what my Friday schedule will look like and once I'm comfortable with that I can decide. So maybe also encourage him to visualize and think about all outcomes. How will it make you feel if... What will happen if...

Teach him that a decision made is done with and we don't regret what could or may have been. Decide and move on.

Also speak to his teachers (or keep an eye on it this upcoming year) and see how both his academics are doing, especially in problem solving areas like math or deciphering a text, and also socially - is he unable to decide which game to join at recess?
Back to top

amother
Vermilion


 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2016, 7:31 pm
Thanks for that trixx! The funny thing is that I've gotten a collection of problem solving sheets to do with him over the summer and he's doing exceptionally well!

He is great academically and, besides for being shy, doesn't seem to have any social issues. His teachers haven't reported any problems at all.

I could limit his decision making however I'm wondering how that would affect his future decision making. It isn't always as straightforward as an apple or orange. It's funny actually that whenever I limit his fruit decisions he always says he wants something else. With choosing a treat from the store it isn't that straightforward either as he likes to check out the new nosh that came onto the market so it's not like I can tell him what to take. Besides, I don't want to be the one making the decisions as I feel that decision-making is an essential part of development.

We've done the five minute deadline which only works occasionally and he has lost his right to choose on many occasions.

I agree with you in regards to a lag time in processing. But it's not only that. Even if he had several hours he still couldn't decide where to put his erasers. That's not just delayed processing. And this happens time and again.

So back to my original question, what can I actually do to help him acquire decision-making skills without having to constantly limit his choices or set deadlines.

I'm just thinking that perhaps a game of 'What if?' would be an idea but I'd really love to hear some suggestions!
Back to top

trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2016, 8:04 pm
Some ideas from Dr Google
http://www.greatschools.org/pa.....ns.gs

http://www.parents.com/kids/re.....king/

The fact that he says he wants a different fruit when you give him options sounds to me like he know what he wants. That is a big maaleh even if it takes him a long time to realize or come to that conclusion. At least you're not dealing with a kid who has no mind of his own.

Keep giving positive feedback even for little things ex when he chooses which cereal to eat in the morning - you made that decision so quickly and now you'll have energy for your school day. Even if it's not conscious bc he always only eats that cereal. Get him to realize he makes thousands of daily decisions, and acknowledge them. What made you choose that? Bc I only like cheerios duh... Next time something comes up you can say, remember what made you choose that cereal? Now which of these options do you like more?

Something like the erasers needs a time limit. It's not a huge decision. See one of those articles for classifying how big of a decision something is. Dont let it happen next time - tell him it's a small decision and should take you 5 min.
Back to top

amother
Vermilion


 

Post Fri, Aug 12 2016, 6:18 am
Thanks trixx, I appreciate your response!

Just wondering, anyone here with experience in teaching decision-making skills have any suggestions?
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 12 2016, 6:56 am
I have kids with many issues, and decision making is one of them.

Trixx posted some great things. IMO, you don't need to worry about how limiting his choices today will affect his ultimate abilities. We all have to take baby steps before we learn to run. And it doesn't matter about calendar age; it's about mastering the skill.

So, it depends on the situation. Time pressure on something inconsequential like putting erasers away, or nosh at the store? "We have 5 minutes for you to pick something. If at the end of that time, you haven't decided, I'm going to choose either X or Y for you.". I like the idea of having him routinely explain his thinking when he has made a decision, and of praising him (and his growing abilities) every time you catch him making a decision effectively.

Major decision? Show him how to list pros and cons. Try flipping a coin; sometimes, forcing the issue brings out the gut response.

Make sure anxiety about making a bad choice isn't what paralyzes him. If anxiety is an issue in general, try therapy or learning about how to cope with that for further work on decisions.

Your idea about games is good, too. In addition to What If, you might consider Concept, or The Choices Game.
Back to top

amother
Vermilion


 

Post Fri, Aug 12 2016, 7:28 am
Thanks imasinger!

He would actually prefer if I just put the erasers away for him, but I was trying to get him to decide in an effort to improve his decision-making. If I tell him he has five minutes and then I'll put it away, he'll gladly wait out the five minutes so that he doesn't have to decide.

As mentioned above, I've been doing problem solving worksheets with him and he's been doing really well with that. He has also been able to explain why he came to those conclusions so I'm wondering if these exercises are helpful or necessary.

Thanks for the game suggestions and for reassuring me that limiting his choices now won't negatively impact his future skills.

If anyone else has these issues, here are some good resources I just found:
https://www.kidsmatter.edu.au/.....f.pdf
https://www.kidsmatter.edu.au/.....g.pdf
http://www.srcp.org/pdf_versio.....D.pdf
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 12 2016, 7:50 am
Here's the template our counselor gave us:

Problem Solving STEPS:

S - State the problem.
T - Think of all ideas. Write them down if needed. Do not rule anything out. This is brainstorming, coming up with as many choices as possible.
E - Evaluate the ideas. What are all to pros and cons of each choice?
P - Pick the one that you like best.
S - See how it goes. If you try it and it's not a good solution for you, then repeat the process until you have something that works.

Re the erasers. You may have to see whether "I can't decide" sometimes means, "I'm too lazy to do it.". In your scenario, it might be, "you have 5 minutes to either put them in your drawer, or find another place. Be sure to mention why you made your decision, and the other options you considered. Modeling decision making might be very helpful.
Back to top

amother
Cyan


 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2016, 7:00 am
I used to be like your son. I'm still not a great decision maker, but I've improved a lot over the years (if I could decide to get married, I can decide anything).

In my case, at least part of the culprit was underlying OCD (which was only diagnosed later). I'm not saying your son has OCD. What I'm saying is that sometimes there is an underlying psychological or emotional issue at play that you aren't aware of. This is the kind of thing that I would get evaluated by an educational psychologist, to see if it's connected to underlying processing problems, and by a child psychologist/psychiatrist to see if there's an emotional or psychological component. It doesn't have to be something big or major, but identifying the problem and getting him some counseling could do wonders for him. I wish I were better at making decisions, and I kind of wish I had professional help with it when I was younger. Part of my bad decision making is that I'm also terrified of making the wrong decision, even for inconsequential things - therapy has definitely helped with that. I think your son could benefit too.

I also definitely agree with all the suggestions from the other posters! They gave you some really helpful tips. Also, as someone who has been there, I think it's okay to make decisions for him sometimes and explain why you chose what you chose. He doesn't have the skills yet to make those decisions, and modeling logical, quick decision making part of the time can help him too.
Back to top

amother
Orchid


 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2016, 10:25 am
I haven't read all the posts just Op's

DD was the same way, and still indecisive at age 17.
She only did it with us, though.
I think she would be too embarrassed to do it at school or with her friends.
Going to dinner or the grocery was torture.
We would have her decide before we got there and still had to wait because she would change her mind, but at the end pick her original choice.

I once asked her why it takes so long. She said what if I regret my decision and decide after that I really want y instead of x. Another time she made the excuse that she can't pick until she knows the price of what everyone else is picking, but that was just an excuse because at the icecream store all flavors cost the same.

One day she was at a shiur and something clicked in her understanding. I really don't have a choice. ALL has been determined by H-Shem before hand. Even if it seems like I have a choice. AND H-Shem's choice is the very best for me because HE loves me. So I will be happy with HIS choice. It all comes down to being happy with my lot. It's not perfect, but getting better.

Taking the eraser situation. You need to explain to DS that if it was meant for him to take it to school, H-Shem will make sure it happens, and if it was not meant that was the best for him, and he needs to be happy with HIS decision.

I understand he's only 10, and these concepts are hard for us. But if we repeat and emulate he will grow up into a happier adult, and you too will be happy.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
S/O Making it on $150k
by amother
43 Yesterday at 6:10 pm View last post
Making it easier for those hosting or being hosted
by amother
6 Wed, Mar 27 2024, 6:04 am View last post
Making a room smell good
by amother
6 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 1:15 pm View last post
Mishloach manos for your husband...advice from recent widow
by amother
27 Sun, Mar 24 2024, 3:04 pm View last post
My 4 yo daughter is difficult to parent, any advice please?
by amother
15 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 9:13 pm View last post