14 yr old told me something shocking. how do I handle this

grace413

Tue, Dec 01 2015, 6:58 am

See if you can ask her in a non-combative way why she thinks she doesn't want to be religious. Be matter of fact (yes, I know easier said than done). Does she not believe? Does she believe but feels choked by all the restrictions? Is it, as PF said, because of her possible s-xual orientation?

Did she say this to you in a matter of fact way or do you think she is trying to provoke you? Many kids like to push the envelope and telling a religious parent that you don't want to be religious tends to push the parents buttons. (works the other way too with secular parents whose kids want to be shomer mitzvot.

Knowing the answer to this question may be illuminating.

Take a deep breath. Many people don't live as they thought they would at age 14.

Hatzlacha.

chayamiriam

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 6:31 am

She is only 14! She probably doesn't fully understand what that even means! I wouldn't even react to every statement that a child makes except if g-d forbid she wants to hurt herself. Tell her she is very young and people think about all sorts of things and that is normal doesn't mean anything it's ok. Lucky you that she has a mom to confide in and feels safe to do so. Tell her that her s-xuality is just developing and she is normal most people are afraid to talk about their real feelings but she is brave enough to do so.making her Listen to sherim will not help her only make her more angry. I would just view that statement as part of growing up and thinking about s-xuality. Don't over react that just will reinforce those feelings.

thegiver

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 7:38 am

I had several friends growing up who when they became s-xually active were openly bisexual and then some eventually ended up getting married to a guy while others didn't.

It's so normal as a teenager to ask questions about his or her own s-xual nature. In a society where it's acceptable to be gay and where it's popularized through film this totally transforms a young developing mind. Our minds repeat refrains from cultural tags and references.

The most important thing I would assure her is that in this society that is male dominated it is normal to think of desire in male-objective terms( To be turned on by the exposed female body and be driven to objectify and be enchanted with the female form.) As a matter of fact finding the female body attractive is part of getting in touch with your own s-xuality which is natural, healthy and a process I believe every woman must experience in the process of human reproduction.

As a kid I was always worried about people thinking I was gay because I never hung out with guys like some of the other girls. When she's a little older if these feelings persist (if handled properly hopefully they won't--say tehillim), say it's ok to hve this internal struggle but it's not ok to act on it--the Torah makes mitzvot as they pertain to human nature. It's natural to have s-xual urges but it's not ok to act on those urges (like a married man or woman desiring someone who is not their spouse--HASHEM wouldn't have commanded vs adultery if it wasn't human nature to begin with)

Not sure which approach you want to take. I recommend the first approach.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 9:10 am

amother wrote:

Please feel free to join us the closed forum Extremely Rebellious-Off the derech kids
if you feel it's applicable to you.

Click on Usergroups to apply to our exclusive forum that nobody wants to be a member of Very Happy

Thanks. I wasn't sure if we were technically there yet, but I do think I would benefit from this.

Is it an active forum?

chani8

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:08 am

Exposing teens to the outside world's pro-gay culture while segregating them as if the other gender has the cooties, does make for s-xual confusion. I explained as much to my daughters with similar questions.

Frankly, they needed more positive interactions with boys. As well, some exposure to plain ole silly romance stuff that regular girls see. All that mushy crush-on-boys stuff that you see in old tv shows. It's healthy.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:26 am

When I was 14 I also thought I might be gay or bisexual and I am definitely attracted to men and very happily married. I was sheltered too. I think it was being in such a gender segregated environment, where I had no opportunity to be around boys that gave me those questions.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:53 am

amother wrote:

Thanks. I wasn't sure if we were technically there yet, but I do think I would benefit from this.

Is it an active forum?

You won't be overwhelmed by the amount of posts, but generally when somebody posts, they get several good replies and definitely a lot of sympathy, because we've all been there done that still doing it.

amother

Black

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 12:28 pm

OP, if it's any help to you, when I was about your daughter's age I had some of the same feelings. I am definitely hetero, am happily married to my DH. I agree that being in gender-segregated societies while going through puberty can be really confusing. "Good girls" aren't supposed to have feelings for boys at the same time that they have very close relationships with other girls. There are lots of hormones. Lots of good feelings with friends....gets confusing.

That said, even if you daughter does turn out to have real bi feelings, then your love and support of her is so, so important. Make it so it feels safe for her to keep talking to you. Make sure she knows that you are on her side and by her side no matter what. What she's dealing with can't be easy and your love and support will be so important to her, no matter how things turn out.

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 12:36 pm

chani8 wrote:

This.

It was only once I started watching romance (nothing too hardcore) and listening to love songs about boyfriends, and then being in a mixed college, that I realized that I wasn't gay as I had been sure I was, and I actually could get attracted and married to a man. I grew up in an extremely segregated society and didn't have any significant interactions with men outside my family. It is very confusing. (Of course, being told in school countless times that men were horny animals with no self control, and that anything I wore that was too pretty could cause them to be "nichshal", didn't help me develop any positive feelings for men either.)