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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Is it rude to call someone rude? And was I rude anyway?



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amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 12:51 pm
So I was in the grocery store today, trying to finish my shopping fast before my baby had the meltdown that he was on the verge of having. There was a lady in front of the cucumbers that I needed, so without thinking I reached in and grabbed one (without touching her, just reached my hand behind her and took a cucumber.)

She then turned to me and said, "That was rude." It doesn't sound so bad here but my heart dropped and I was mortified. I always try to be nice to everyone, and it really hurt me. Probably also because I had a really hard day, but it just made me feel terrible. I stammered out I'm sorry and walked away.

But now I'm thinking. Isn't it ruder to call someone rude and embarrass them in public than to reach in and grab a cucumber? Yes I know the polite thing would've been to wait for her to move, or to say excuse me, but I was in a rush and I just reached behind her and took it so I could be on my way. Is that really so bad? And was she rude herself?
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 12:55 pm
Hugs, it's hard when your kid is about to melt down, and it's humiliating to be called out for bad behavior. The thing is that you were rude, and it's ok for someone to point it out. So you learned a lesson. No harm done.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 12:57 pm
Yes, you should've said excuse me, but she did respond to you in a way that was much harsher than called for.
In general, apologize and move on.
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sprayonlove




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 1:12 pm
I think she was more rude than you. You were in a rush, with a baby and quickly grabbed a cucumber without saying excuse me wow what a big deal! I'm with you op you're fine. She needs to get over herself. Btw this sort of thing happens all the time in Israel and no one bats an eye. Rolling Eyes

Last edited by sprayonlove on Mon, Aug 22 2016, 1:14 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Delores




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 1:13 pm
I think it's obnoxious when people hog a whole section at the grocery store. Unless it was a tiny space and you squeezed in , you did nothing wrong. This is not a dinner buffet at a wedding it's a store.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 2:03 pm
Maybe you scared her? She didn't see you and that is why she reacted that way. In any case, next time just say excuse me as you go for that cucumber.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 2:40 pm
try to let it go.
It's not worth stressing about.
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 5:07 pm
Have the response "I'm sorry you feel that way. No rudeness intended" on the tip of your tongue for weird encounters like that.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 5:26 pm
A long time ago, I was outside a grocery store with a stroller and my 18 month old was running around on the sidewalk. I was keeping an eye an her and looking at the circular before going in. So I was right by the entrance, but not blocking. A non-Jewish lady pushing a double stroller while talking on the cell phone started to go inside the store and another non-Jewish lady rushed to her aid to hold open the door. The lady pushing the stroller was very grateful for the help and thanked her. The woman who helped her said in a loud, rude voice, "Well, I wouldn't have had to help you if this other woman (pointing to moi) would've helped." This was not an automated door. This was a heavy door. So I'm supposed to drop what I'm doing, NOT watch my 18 month old so I can hold a door open for someone?! So my kid can run into the street if I don't keep an eye for a second?! You gotta be kidding me! I was so angry, I waited for the "commentator" to come out of the store, so I could tell her off, but then decided against it. After I calmed down, I went into the store and apologized to the lady with double stroller (who again was on a cell phone when this whole thing happened) and explained why I was unable to help her. I decided the rude lady was either an extremely bitter person, or didn't like Jewish people. I mean, she helped the other lady, and didn't offer the door for me, and I had a stroller too.
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rmbg




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 7:18 pm
The fact is that you were rude. I'm a mommy of a bunch of little kids so I understand the stress and pressure you were under. But I had someone to do to me exactly what you did and wish I had the guts to tell the woman something. But alas I dont. There's never an excuse for being rude. It doesn't take more than a second to say excuse me.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2016, 7:22 pm
She was rude sorry you had to go through that. It annoys me when people stand right in front of a veggie stand and block everybody else. I try to make sure that there is always place for another person if I'm picking veggies.
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, Aug 23 2016, 8:30 am
debsey wrote:
Have the response "I'm sorry you feel that way. No rudeness intended" on the tip of your tongue for weird encounters like that.

I LOVE this!! Perfect response.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I know it was a bit rude, I just felt it's even more rude to call someone rude to their face.
But I'm feeling better now. The crazy people-pleaser in me just couldn't handle someone not liking me 😜 But today's a new day! 😄
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 23 2016, 10:18 am
flowerpower wrote:
Maybe you scared her? She didn't see you and that is why she reacted that way. In any case, next time just say excuse me as you go for that cucumber.


right - you can startle a person and not realize it ... perhaps you touched her and she had a knee-jerk reaction

"pardon my reach" solves all issues
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 23 2016, 10:31 am
amother wrote:
I LOVE this!! Perfect response.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I know it was a bit rude, I just felt it's even more rude to call someone rude to their face.
But I'm feeling better now. The crazy people-pleaser in me just couldn't handle someone not liking me 😜 But today's a new day! 😄


I think rude is too strong of a word for what you did. Maybe it wasn't best etiquette, or you got into her personal space? But rude? It's easy to make such a mistake when you're not thinking. And if she were polite, she would have been gracious and let it go.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 23 2016, 10:32 am
debsey wrote:
Have the response "I'm sorry you feel that way. No rudeness intended" on the tip of your tongue for weird encounters like that.


Another pet peeve! People who ignore my apology. They just give a dirty look and walk away.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Tue, Aug 23 2016, 11:45 am
I think it is rude to reach over someone. I'm only saying it because someone recently did that to me. I was opening eggs to check for 2 good dozens and someone reached over me and started grabbing eggs. Her arm blocked me in so even though I had my eggs, I was stuck while she stretched her arm over me. I thought she was rude. Perhaps she was in a rush but it takes a second to say "excuse me" when you are reaching over someone. Everyone has excuses and valid reasons why they need to hurry but if I don't know you, I really don;t care that your baby might cry soon. I have a baby too and have my own agenda.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 23 2016, 11:51 am
so - to sum up shopping etiquette in this thread:

*Avoid blocking a display so that others can get to it too
*Avoid reaching over other shoppers for the item you want.
*Say "excuse me" if someone is blocking you
*If someone says you were rude, apologize and explain that that was not your intent
*Live and let live. No need to point out other people's rude behavior. No one died and put you in charge of educating the world. Be Dan L'Kaf Zchus and move on with your life.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 23 2016, 12:11 pm
Let's say it's not the best manners to reach over someone especially without an excuse me, but she might have been extra sharp because older people are sometimes more easily rattled. It's no biggie though, op.
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ariellabella




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 23 2016, 12:14 pm
Simple1 wrote:
Another pet peeve! People who ignore my apology. They just give a dirty look and walk away.


Yes.

I was just at a wedding. I was in the hallway at the washing station, and I was drying my hands and saying the bracha over a small piece of bread. Total maybe 10 seconds. Turned around to walk away, and noticed there was a woman standing behind me waiting for the sink. I smiled and cheerfully said "oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there waiting!". She seriously GLARED at me and just walked up to the sink. What the heck. Nice to be a total bi*** on your way to doing a mitzvah.
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