My daughter is an only girl - need advice

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 11:36 am

Hello,

I have a lovely almost 12 yr old girl that has 3 yummy, active little brothers. She used to be fine being the only girl but lately she's complaining a lot that she's bored. IF ONLY she would have a sister she could do so much fun stuff! She's the age where competition is peaking and all her close friends have at least one or more sisters. I try being there for her alot. Likedoing arts and crafts and signing her up for lessons. Swimming, dance, art. She loves to read and I try satisfying her with a thick new book every so often and with weekly magazines. Still she's bored.

Another issue. Being that shes my oldest and has no sister to share household responsibilities with, I am very hesitant too burden her with too much. In fact all she does is take care of the baby sometimes so I can rest. Not a stitch of housework. She is the lazy type and on occasion when I asked for household help she we would do a very incomplete Half hearted job. What can u reasonably expect of a girl this age without a sister to share responsibilities with?

Just for background, I am the oldest of a large family. I grew up literally carrying a huge load of housework and caretaking of my siblings. In a sense I feel robbed of my children childhood. I was never allowed to be a kid. Always expected to help. Would come home from school, run to bathroom, grab a bite and my mother would demand, hey were are you? So I have a huge fear of piling up too much on her so I go the opposite extreme. But I'm stressed out and resentful of her and I think she feels it. How do I create a balance without guilt???

Would appreciate tramendously any advice. TIA!!!

Chayalle

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 11:49 am

You sound like a great mother.

Why not give age-appropriate chores to ALL of your children? Your DIL's will thank you B"EH, and your daughter will not feel resentful if her siblings have to pull their weight too.

Keep in mind that almost-12 year olds are still kids....keep your expectations of her realistic. Yeah, we all hear about those perfect 12 year old mammalas who are almost adults and capable of doing a perfect job, but most kids don't fall into that category, and as you yourself have noted, it may not be the healthiest thing for them in the long run.

I have two older teens and in terms of household help, my oldest started taking over some of my cooking at about age 15 (her own initiative - she decided that making chulent for Shabbos is fun, and she likes to do the knaidels, and often when I'm cooking she comes and asks if she can try what I'm doing......stuff like that.) I find that when they are ready for stuff, they step forward and let you know.

For now, helping with the baby is age appropriate. Perhaps this can be expanded to some simple tasks - putting folded clothes away into drawers, pitching in with picking up toys, perhaps setting the table, maybe peeling vegetables....all with the goal of preparing HER for the future, because it's good for HER to develop skills and responsibility.

greenfire

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 11:51 am

first off you cannot just produce a sister because she wants one ... maybe find a cousin her age or let her focus on her friends the way she is & with what she has ... it's enough women compete with having more kids because who knows what the yenta neighbors are saying - but to have more siblings is unheard of

so - no burden on any one child to help out ... chores should be for boys & girls alike - family unit everybody pitches in

I think it would be better parenting to teach her to help clean the kitchen & do her own laundry than to care for your baby ... she can save that job for when she is a mother herself

amother

Salmon

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 11:52 am

I am the only and oldest girl. I have many younger brothers. Yes, a great deal did fall on me and to a certain extent I regret it. I also felt lonely that I did not have sisters. Until today I wish I had just one sister. One sister to drop off kids at. One sister who can be there when I just had a baby or going through a hard time. A sister to talk to about things that one can only speak to a sister with. I am 40 and still wish I had a sister. There is a certain loneliness that no one can replace.

I would suggest making your home as happy and stress free as you can so your daughter will feel comfortable having friends over. Friends will play a big role in her life.

It's important that she does have responsibilities in the home but there should be a fine line of not depending on her to the extent that she feels burdened. You do not want to spoil her to the extent that when she gets married she will not know how to turn on her washing machine or bake a cake.

Give her privileges. Take her with you to a wedding while you find a babysitter for the others. Go shopping with her (without the boys) and then go out to eat.

Chayalle

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 12:06 pm

BTW, what greenie said about cousins. My mother A"H was an only child. She was very, very close to her cousins - boys and girls BTW - and they were very supportive of her later in life. One of my mother's cousins told us how my grandparents bought a house on the same block as their cousins, so that my mother should grow up with these relationships. They did that for her. And another cousin of hers lived overseas but went to Yeshiva in the US, and my grandparents' home was his home away from home. He and my mother were very close, like siblings.

So to whatever extent you have cousins your DD's age, do what you can to invite them over, take them on trips with your DD, etc..so that she develops strong bonds with them.

spring13

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 1:13 pm

Everyone should have age-appropriate chores and be expected to help out, not just the girls. So there shouldn't be any resentment about not having a sister solely for the sake of sharing chores. Your boys can take out garbage, put away laundry, clean the toilet, make brownies for Shabbos, just as well as she can.

It's true that she might be the only one old enough to be responsible for the baby, but that's a function of her age more than anything else. Pick a couple of jobs that she's capable of doing and start asking her to do just those things more or less regularly: maybe that would work better than trying to get her to do a gazillion different jobs at random times. Then at least you know that the living room was vacuumed before Shabbos or whatever, even if something else didn't get done. The same goes for the boys. And as she and the others get older and capable of more (and accustomed to completing whatever tasks you've made their thing), you can expand or change each kid's job repertoire accordingly.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 1:18 pm

This is op.

Thanks for your responses. Her brothers are 9, 4.5, and 1 yr old. So only her 9 yr old brother can help but he comes home so late from his after school program. Like 6:30. He eats, shmoozes and konks out. I have no problem with boys helping, it's just that he obviously comes home late while she's home at four.

Some of you got the impression that I view those chores negatively. I actually love mothering, it's just sometimes hard. I'm not looking for her to 'take over'. Just trying to figure what and how much is age appropriate. The reason she watches the baby is because she loves him to pieces! Not because I told her to watch 'my baby'.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 1:40 pm

Sit down with your 11 and 9 yr old. Make a list of things they would like to do, both chores and fun. You do fun things once the chores are done.

The 41/2 can definitely pick up toys, put all his clothes in the hamper, somewhat make his bed, collect newspapers magazines and books used on Shabbat. There's no reason he can't help out as well, even if you have to fix it up afterwards.

Stop making excuses that the boys can't or don't need to help.

What she will resent is if you are sitting on the couch while she is doing chores, but if everyone is working, that's called being a family.
Also, she will resent if the boys don't need to help out.

As far as taking care of the baby. Encourage her to go out with her friends and cousins on Shabbat and Sunday's, instead of taking care of the baby. Even if she loves doing it, she needs to be with girls her age on Shabbat without the baby.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:29 pm

So I was an only child. No sisters and no brothers. My mother said I constantly complained that I was bored or lonely. So she prioritized my times with friends and help make sure I had regular play dates or hang outs with friends, from when I was little. It made a huge difference. 12 is an especially good age for this, because it's a time when many girls start to move away from hanging out with family all the time and start hanging out more with friends anyway. So not having sisters might be boring, but there are so many other peers around that she could be with instead. And a good friend (maybe even especially one without sisters, but this is obviously not necessary) can become as close or even closer than a sister. To this day, my closest friend from growing up (who, incidentally was also an only child) and I still consider each other as sisters, and our kids call each other 'aunt', etc. Throughout life, I've always had at least one friend close by that I consider like a sister - many of them in fact do not have sisters themselves, but not all of them. So I encourage you to try and help her nurture and invest in friendships.

I also agree with other posters about chores. I never had a single person to split chores with. My parents just gave me whatever was age appropriate. Many of the things they started with were just my stuff - like I had to do my own laundry (yes, by age 12), but I didn't have to do theirs. But other chores were regular household things that were not too demanding physically or long and time-consuming - for example, put away dishes from the dish rack, vacuum the carpets, help set or clear the table, etc (something short and easy won't make her feel overworked). And her younger brothers are old enough to do chores too. Even if they were girls, it wouldn't change what their abilities are at each age. A 4.5 year old boy or girl can clear their plate from the table and pick up their toys or put out cups or silverware before dinner. And even if your oldest son comes home late, a short chore (setting/clearing the table comes to mind) is something he should do anyway - 5 minutes of household responsibility won't significantly cut into his short time at home and will make him a significantly more responsible adult and husband later because he knows that even if he comes home late (because he'll be doing so for the rest of his life), he still has to clean up after himself and take care of his household. It would be a disservice to him not to tach him that lesson. Regardless of boys or girls, chores should be given out by age - your daughter will do more not just because she's home earlier, but because she's older, and great abilities come with greater responsibilities.

Keep being a great mom! And remember - all 12 year olds get bored easily Wink

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:23 pm

This is op again. To the am other after green fire that mentions being an only girl I have a separate issue withat that. Whoever said that one MUST have a sister or else is missing something major in life. I'm currently pregnant and everyone's commenting. " I hope it's a girl" or ' she deserves a sister". If I could get her a sis at a shop I would!! She's hearing these comments and starting to resent her status. How do I deal with the publi c in front of her? (don't tell anyone, it's blue again).

I'm only 5 months but I dread hearing comments like. What's gonna be? Oh, I pity your daughter, she's really missing out alot in life... I know she is, I have a couple of sisters. I hate this attitude!!! Don't pple know that Hashem predicts genders??????

gold21

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:36 pm

amother wrote:

People are really weird. They act like they are really worried about her... Lol... No, they're just nosy yentas.

Maybe she'll IYH marry a guy with a whole bunch of sisters and will become close to them. You can't predict these things. Tune out the nosybodies.

Last edited by gold21 on Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

vicki

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:52 pm

In addition to the good advice you got here, if they seem to get along well often enough, I would foster a close relationship between your almost 12 year old daughter and her 9 year old brother.
For example, send them on errands together once in a while.
Guide them to play board or card games Shabbat afternoon that they might both enjoy: Monopoly, Stratego, Battleship, Mastermind, Chess.
At this point my 9 year old daughter and her 6 year old brother line up in order and play very well together. I have several older children so I'm glad these two can entertain each other.

Chayalle

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:56 pm

Even a boy who comes home after a long day at school can do something simple to contribute to the family. It doesn't have to be major or strenuous. It's just a change of pace. Clearing a few plates from the table, or putting away some clothes into drawers, or picking up a few lego.....doesn't take all that long before he parks himself on the couch. Great training for the future, when he comes in after a day at work and wife wants some help with baths and bedtime.....

My high school girls pitch in when they come home after a long day at school plus dance practice. They still put away their folded laundry, prepare lunches for the next day, etc...they need time to unwind too, but responsibilities don't just disappear. They do a few things, then have their time to eat, shmooze, and konk out......

Raisin

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:07 pm

amother wrote:

Your kids are just not going to have perfect lives. Sorry. No kid does. Her friend might have 4 sisters but horrible parents. Siblings don't always get on. For whatever reason Hashem wanted your daughter to (possibly) be an only daughter.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:29 pm

amother wrote:

At this point, even if it was a girl they would be 12 years apart which means it would be years and years until they would really be close anyway. Another girl would end up with the same issue - growing up with all brothers.

Btw, I would tell your daughter now that you're having a boy, so she doesn't get her hopes up.

I have a friend in this situation - she is one of 2 girls, her sister was the oldest and she was almost the youngest. Her sister was already married and living in another country when she was very young. But now as adults they live near each other and I am sure benefit from having each other. It will be a different type of relationship, sure, but still beneficial, although perhaps later in life.