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How do you ask someone not to stay over?
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:19 pm
My 17 year old dd has a friend, a sweet polite girl, who comes from a sort of chaotic background. I have helped her out a lot in past years, in various ways. Lately she had been showing up, and deciding to sleep over, sometimes for several days. My dd is not encouraging this specifically although she doesn't mind, but does not know how to curtail it.

How can I tell this girl nicely that she is welcome, but not for sleepovers? Part of the issue is that I have a 16 year old ds, and I am uncomfortable with the whole social situation that results.

Can someone explain help me with a script of how to say it?
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gibberish




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:26 pm
Be upfront, something like this:

"We love when you come over and you can feel free to visit whenever you'd like. DD does have a teen brother at home, so at this stage we cannot do regular sleepovers for both DS or DD. Of course though, please continue to visit though"
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:27 pm
I don't think there is a polite way ...

bottom line people sense the truth & she will have unnecessary thoughts of your son now that you put it into her head
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:29 pm
I'm trying to be understanding, but I'm just confused. Your daughter can't have a friend sleep over because she has a teenage brother? What is your concern exactly? I have 3 older brothers and if I would not have been able to have sleep over guests because of their existence I would have been very resentful. It's hard enough having teenage brothers...
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:35 pm
tichellady wrote:
I'm trying to be understanding, but I'm just confused. Your daughter can't have a friend sleep over because she has a teenage brother? What is your concern exactly? I have 3 older brothers and if I would not have been able to have sleep over guests because of their existence I would have been very resentful. It's hard enough having teenage brothers...


Do you think it's not a problem? I'm more than willing to be told I am wrong.... But sometimes I feel that she is paying an awful lot of attention to him (and vice versa) while my dd kind of takes a back seat and goes off to do something else. So I feel like I have to be around, supervising and I can't just relax and go to sleep.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:41 pm
amother wrote:
Do you think it's not a problem? I'm more than willing to be told I am wrong.... But sometimes I feel that she is paying an awful lot of attention to him (and vice versa) while my dd kind of takes a back seat and goes off to do something else. So I feel like I have to be around, supervising and I can't just relax and go to sleep.


Well you left out that detail! My friends didn't have much to do with my brothers, but it sounds like the two of them are friends, so I have a better sense of where you are coming from now. I still wouldn't say anything about your son, because I think it's just awkward and can lead to resentment for your daughter. Maybe say something about no weekday sleepovers because too much activity for a school night? Also, are you concerned about her home environment? Maybe having her sleep over is really crucial for her right now. I don't know those details so can't say but I would consider everything before making such a Decision.
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Kugglegirl




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:42 pm
OP- you are there. If you see that is what is going on, trust your instincts.

It is not normal for her to sleep over & stay several days. Setting the boundaries is appropriate. If you can anticipate when she will need to sleep over, you can plan ahead.

Teen brother can also be told to make himself scarce when the girls are around.

If a sleep over is planned, good idea for teen brother to have plans of his own-- maybe sleep over at his friends.

Any chance that it feels safe to speak to the parents? If they are really not around, & you think she is being neglected, I really think you should address this to someone-- school counselor would be appropriate.

I have teen girls & could see how this could happen. Your kids are lucky that you are there & you are paying attention to what is happening.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:42 pm
Don't get into the reason.
Just very simply,
We love having you over Batya! Please continue to come over and spend time with dd and the rest of us. But at this stage regular sleepovers don't work for our family. Please stay for dinner tonight though! We're having meatballs Tongue Out
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tf




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:49 pm
How about making rules and limit the days and hours around ds schedule? You don't need to say anything about ds, just these are the rules in this house.
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:53 pm
Can also say, now that school year is starting I don't want weekday sleepovers
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:58 pm
I know someone who used to sleep over at her friend's house and hook up with the brother when everyone else was asleep.

I would not allow these sleepovers if I were you.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:00 pm
amother wrote:
I know someone who used to sleep over at her friend's house and hook up with the brother when everyone else was asleep.

I would not allow these sleepovers if I were you.


This makes me want to be a teenager again! *sigh*
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:20 pm
How chaotic is this girl's home life? Maybe she really needs a normal family. If anything, you can speak to your son about not being too friendly.

There are teens whose lives were kept on track because they had a "second home" with friends. Obviously I don't know the full story here, but maybe this is something to consider.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:23 pm
amother wrote:
How chaotic is this girl's home life? Maybe she really needs a normal family. If anything, you can speak to your son about not being too friendly.

There are teens whose lives were kept on track because they had a "second home" with friends. Obviously I don't know the full story here, but maybe this is something to consider.


This. I am so grateful to my friends and their parents, without which I never would have known what a normal family looks like, and probably would never have gotten married or been a disastrous wife and mother, repeating every mistake my parents made. You need to do what's best for your family, but don't underestimate the amazing effect being in your home has on this girl.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:26 pm
amother wrote:
How chaotic is this girl's home life? Maybe she really needs a normal family. If anything, you can speak to your son about not being too friendly.

There are teens whose lives were kept on track because they had a "second home" with friends. Obviously I don't know the full story here, but maybe this is something to consider.


How attractive is the girl? If she's not at all, I wouldn't worry too much about your son.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:33 pm
amother wrote:
I know someone who used to sleep over at her friend's house and hook up with the brother when everyone else was asleep.

I would not allow these sleepovers if I were you.


And many frum teens have sleepovers with no such incidents. I agree that it would be a bummer for your teens to never have sleepover guests because of their siblings. But a few days may be a bit excessive to have a guest around.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:34 pm
amother wrote:
How attractive is the girl? If she's not at all, I wouldn't worry too much about your son.


What the heck??!
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:45 pm
op, just tell her that you love to have her over, but you can't do sleepovers without making plans in advance. that's all.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:57 pm
amother wrote:
What the heck??!


Well, let's be real here. Odds of a teenaged boy chasing a girl are higher if she's pretty!
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:00 pm
amother wrote:
How chaotic is this girl's home life? Maybe she really needs a normal family. If anything, you can speak to your son about not being too friendly.

There are teens whose lives were kept on track because they had a "second home" with friends. Obviously I don't know the full story here, but maybe this is something to consider.


I agree with this completely.

obviously your family comes first..

my sis used to sleep over ar friends houses often bec she was kicked out (and not cuz she wasnt a good girl, she behaved like a reg good by girl. it was her father whos nuts)
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