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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Guests
groovy1224
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Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:05 pm
amother wrote: | How attractive is the girl? If she's not at all, I wouldn't worry too much about your son. |
Nice. Really sweet, amother.
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amother
Tangerine
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Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:09 pm
I really appreciate the responses and support.... It is very hard for me to say anything to her, specifically because it feels so cold and rejecting. I feel strongly for her and I find her to be a sweet and considerate person, and she does happen to be lovely and attractive as well.
But at the same time, I feel like it is just not responsible of me, maybe that is the wrong word, I can't think of the correct word, to enable these sleepovers in which there is quite a bit of socialization going on between her and my ds. If it happened during a daytime visit, well ok, I'd have to accept it on some level, I cannot control everything.
But nighttime seems excessive and irresponsible on my part, and it also inconveniences me a great deal, because I simply cannot relax and shut my door. So I end up feeling very overwhelmed and anxious and a little resentful.
But how to say it, without saying "Hi, I feel like it's not good for my son to have a girl who he seems interested in talking to and hanging out with sleeping a door down in a small house and having to share a bathroom and a shower and socializing until midnight... so.... when are you leaving?"
Help....
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amother
Sapphire
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Wed, Aug 24 2016, 5:17 pm
however you decide to do it put a stop to it now before you have a bigger issue to address
you can tell your teen dd that you thought it over and while you love her friend new sleepover rules for the house etc you don't have to explain why just say this is what works now
then tell the friend -- in the nicest warmest way possible making it clear that it's not her or anything personal to anyone
or tell your family that now that you have teens of both genders you have thought it over and no more sleepovers without coordinating that the other is out of the house across the board and if that means no sleepovers then so be it
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amother
Amethyst
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Wed, Aug 24 2016, 5:24 pm
Thank you. And if anybody is particularly good with words and can write me a little dialogue I'd appreciate that too....
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mummiedearest
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Wed, Aug 24 2016, 6:48 pm
I want to let you know how much we love you and appreciate your being part of our lives. We love having you over. For personal reasons, however, I can't host sleepovers unless arranged in advance. Even those arranged in advance are going to have to be infrequent. This is our new policy for all our kids' friends.
leave yourself open to some sleepovers, but make sure your son is away when you allow them. I'm sure you'll find some opportunities for them.
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out-of-towner
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Wed, Aug 24 2016, 8:43 pm
OP are this girl's parents aware of where she is? That would be something to consider.
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Bernie
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Wed, Aug 24 2016, 8:51 pm
Can you set a time that she can stay until? Like, Batya, we love having you here and our home is always open to you, but I need to cut back on sleepovers right now. Please feel free to come over whenever you and dd want to spend time together, but instead of staying over, I need you to head home by 10 pm.
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hesha
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Wed, Aug 24 2016, 9:14 pm
I think its amazing that you open your home so much to her, but also think you should trust your gut about limiting sleepovers. I am not good with words, but whatever you say, just reiterate how much you love her welcome her, but that sleepovers don't work for your family during the schoolyear.
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zaq
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Thu, Aug 25 2016, 8:05 am
amother wrote: | How attractive is the girl? If she's not at all, I wouldn't worry too much about your son. |
Are you utterly clueless and naive?
If there's any chance of hanky-panky happening, a male interested in hanky-panky will accept. And on the flip side, a male interested in hanky-panky will sometimes target a less-than-attractive female, believing that a.she will be so flattered to be thought of " "in that way' that she will cooperate readily, whereas an attractive female will be considerably choosier and might reject him; and b. if she really is not interested in hanky-panky and complains to someone about his advances, no one will believe her.
In the dark, a guy sees what's in his fantasies, not the girl he's acting out with.
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moonstone
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Thu, Aug 25 2016, 8:25 am
Why don't you just have your daughter tell her? When the friend says she's going to sleep over, the daughter can just say, "Sorry, my parents said no more sleepovers on school nights." it'll be much more casual coming from her. This won't help with the weekends, but it will cut way down on the sleepovers.
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Iymnok
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Thu, Aug 25 2016, 8:31 am
How chaotic is her own home? Does she not feel safe there?
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sourstix
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Thu, Aug 25 2016, 8:33 am
Why don't you find out what's going on by asking your ds? Can't be help out? Can't you explain to him how to just not go I to conversations with her? Is she more interested in him then your daughter?
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imasinger
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Thu, Aug 25 2016, 9:40 pm
Teenaged boys aren't generally that good at DMC's about their sister's friends.
And, as Zaq said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and for a boy with raging hormones, availability can make a young lady very beautiful.
OP, do you know of anyone else (neighbor?) who can offer sleepover space? That way, you can provide what works for you, and still help a troubled child feel cared for.
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amother
Sapphire
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Fri, Aug 26 2016, 9:37 am
its very normal that with different stages in the family different rules apply and have to be renegotiated to accommodate changing dynamics
you can say to dd first the truth which could go like this "you know we love ___ and also are aware of her home situation and want to help her in anyway possible. that said, we are going to have to not have sleepovers anymore.
If you want to give a reason you can say " I realize now that all of you are growing up its not really appropriate to have sleepovers of opposite genders." say it warmly and calmly. like it's just a fact and not about anyone in particular and of course you trust everyone it's just not appropriate.
you don't have to get into the particulars. just a rule across the board.
trust your gut. anyway if you are not sleeping and tense then thats reason enough. tho you don't have to say it.
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amother
Sapphire
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Fri, Aug 26 2016, 9:38 am
and don't feel guilty.
you are helping her also and the rest of your family by modeling setting good boundaries.
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amother
Coral
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Fri, Aug 26 2016, 2:04 pm
zaq wrote: | Are you utterly clueless and naive?
If there's any chance of hanky-panky happening, a male interested in hanky-panky will accept. And on the flip side, a male interested in hanky-panky will sometimes target a less-than-attractive female, believing that a.she will be so flattered to be thought of " "in that way' that she will cooperate readily, whereas an attractive female will be considerably choosier and might reject him; and b. if she really is not interested in hanky-panky and complains to someone about his advances, no one will believe her.
In the dark, a guy sees what's in his fantasies, not the girl he's acting out with. |
Ask your husband if he'd rather hook up with an ugly girl or a hot one. I'm not saying there's NO chance if she's not attractive, but less. But to answer your question, yes - I'm utterly clueless and naive. 🙄
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