Was it wrong to ask my daughter to take the kids out?

gp2.0

Wed, Aug 31 2016, 6:34 pm

You sound like an awesome mom to me! Making sure she's really ok with it and going above and beyond to tell her how much you appreciate her is really great of you.

I'm sure she also feels a sense of satisfaction and happiness that she was able to help you out in a way that you really appreciated.

I can see where your daughter gets her amazing middah of chesed from - she gets it from YOU. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

salt

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 4:50 am

I never understand people's claim like "it's not your daughters fault you have a bunch of kids" - I think we all believe it's our duty to do chessed, even though it's not our fault these people are needy.
It's not my fault my neighbour had a baby, but I'll still make a meal for her.
It's not my fault my friend doesn't have a car, but I'll still give her a ride.

That is called doing a favour, and if you have to decide between doing a favour for you school, or for your mother, shouldn't your mother come first? As long as it's fair and not asking too much.

By the way, it's also not her daughter's 'fault' that her school can't manage by themselves and set up their school by themselves- what they can't hire cleaners to clean up the school and set it up for next year? No, she's doing them a favour - a chessed.

Your daughter sounds great, and you sound a very appreciative and sensitive mother.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 10:07 am

heidi wrote:

It's not your daughter's fault that you have a bunch of little kids.
Yes, you were wrong.
Helping out in the house should be contributing to general functions of things she benefits from like putting away her laundry or making a salad for supper or helping clear off the table.
You and your husband should be caring for the children that you brought into the world

100% Agreed. It's so sad when people use their older children to care for their younger ones. Let HER be a kid too.

gp2.0

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 11:08 am

I don't get some of these responses. I babysat my younger siblings pretty often. I rarely felt resentment about that because my mom would make sure I was ok with it, and if I really wasn't she'd make alternative plans. She also showed me in other ways that she appreciated my help - taking me out for lunch, buying me extra gifts and emphasizing it was because she appreciated my help, etc. Mostly I appreciated the verbal praise that she appreciated both me and my help.

For the most part, I enjoyed babysitting my siblings. It made me feel responsible and valued. Obviously if I would have been stuck doing it every day I would have minded, but that wasn't the case (and the same goes for OP.)

This wouldn't even be an issue if her DD hadn't wanted to do something else at the time. Since she did give up something else she wanted to do, OP was right in making sure her DD was ok with it (which she was, and kudos to OP for great communication with her DD.)

The whole thing is a non-issue. It's normal for older siblings to sometimes care for younger siblings. Helping out at home helps them develop into well-rounded, responsible individuals and keeps them from turning into self-entitled menaces to society. Babysitting siblings now and then is no different than washing dishes occasionally, clearing the table etc.

If OP expected her DD to take care of the newborn baby all day, changing pampers and feeding and putting the baby to sleep while OP went out gallivanting, THAT would be a problem that I would expect to see such heated responses for.

allthingsblue

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 12:46 pm

amother wrote:

Then she should get a babysitter.

And then said daughter will post on this forum in 7 years, "I just had a baby. My mom doesn't care- she doesn't help me or buy me baby furniture or a stroller. Help!"
The parent- child relationship goes both ways. Once a child is old enough, they should be taught how to help. Of course their help shouldn't be abused, but by not asking the child to help, parents are actually doing their child a disservice by raising a spoiled, entitled person.

amother

Emerald

Thu, Sep 01 2016, 2:34 pm

gp2.0 wrote:

Thanks for your post. I can assure you that DD has never once changed the baby's diaper or fed him, and the only times she has put him to sleep was when she picked him up on her own - because she wanted to - and rocked him in her arms. As a matter of fact, I don't think she's ever changed a diaper in her life unless it was while babysitting someone else's kids. And she has many younger siblings.

She really enjoys taking care of her younger siblings. I often give her a choice of jobs - for example, washing dishes, folding laundry, or showering her younger brother. She always chooses the child-related job over housework.