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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
14 and 10 miserable about starting school



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amother
Taupe


 

Post Tue, Sep 06 2016, 9:07 am
I am so frustrated and angry. I try to be their best supporter. I do so, so much. And I get met with such nastiness.

Both kids have both ASD and ADHD. Both have good meds and a good psychiatrist. Adderall for DD, Abilify for DS, Intuniv for both.

14 yo DD is unhappy and nervous about starting HS. She says that she wants to be home schooled, but this summer, I gave her some opportunities to try it out, and she didn't do anything close to her best work. It's a wonderful, understanding HS with incredible staff, and a class that she likes about as much as anything except her camp friends -- a couple of friends, the rest all kind/friendly if not exactly her type.

She hasn't spoken to me in several days, except to come into the kitchen demanding food and annoyed when the thing she wants isn't available because she refused to talk to me when I asked her if she wanted it beforehand. Glares when I ask her things. Refuses to do anything. Buries her face in books all day. Hasn't brushed her hair or showered since before Shabbos. I just dragged her to the orthodontist for a last appointment before the braces come off. Not because her teeth are now straight, but because she refused to cooperate to the point where the orthodontist said the best option was to undo what he did and not proceed.

I have absolutely no clue how I will make it to work, or get DS to his school when getting even this minimal cooperation sucks so much time and patience.

Then, there's DS. Who regressed a lot over the summer. Is yelling and screaming over any request he worries about, though at least he will cooperate after the yelling and crying, if I give him enough positive encouragement.

I have spent hours on documents for both kids' teachers, explaining their issues and the strategies that work.

DS has a full team of support -- speech, OT, ABA, CBT, social skills.

DD, who is supposedly (and for the most part, in actuality, truly is) higher functioning, refuses to do anything.

Not sure what I can do except vent.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Tue, Sep 06 2016, 9:23 am
Teenage asd kids can be a real pain. And girls... oy. Seriously- pretty much nobody understands them. All teenagers say that, but here it's true. If possible, bribe her to shower before her first day of school, and in general. It's unfortunately a big deal in HS and is worthy of being a behavioral priority at home, even if it's at the expense of other things.

She'll likely huff until she starts and gets settled, and then will be ok. Don't underestimate how nervous she likely is about HS. It's hard for any girl, but she's got a lot of unknowns that likely terrify her, and she's asking to be home to avoid them. So get her started, and check in with her and the staff as she goes along to see what she might need. Any advance prep can be useful. If the school sends it (printed schedules, etc.), that's better than it coming from you. If you need to provide something, like tips on anxiety about high school or whatever, print it out and leave it lying around so she can pick it up. Also, maybe talk to the counselor about checking in on her organization skills if that's an issue. Theres' a lot more of it in HS.

Re DS, I would wait until he's in school for a couple of weeks and check in again with his behavior. That way you can see what he's like with his full structure in place.
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markmywords




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 06 2016, 9:56 am
It sounds like your daughter is reacting like her doom is coming and you're the one sending her to the "gallows". She sounds absolutely petrified and terrified and doesn't know how to protest effectively except to essentially "cut you off".
Obviously there's no "effective" protest. She's got to go.
High school is a double whammy.
More challenging/demanding academics and a new social crowd.
Most kids with these types of issues, whether it be asd or adhd, have an incredibly tough time socially, and the schools, unfortunately, do little to help them settle in.
Having a "friend" to walk into class with can help.
I wonder if there's a website for teens with anxiety and challenges where they can support one another.
It might be different coming from someone her own age.
I'd forget the academics for now.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Tue, Sep 06 2016, 11:25 am
OP. Thanks for your sensitive and helpful responses. Sometimes, it's so hard to be me, their mother, that I can lose sight of how hard it is to be them.

I went to a seminar once where the speaker said that after you finish with all the transitions in and out of vacations and weekends, times they are sick, and just plain stressful bad days, you get about 2 weeks a year where things are functioning normally and you can focus on the classroom material.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Tue, Sep 06 2016, 11:39 am
amother wrote:
Sometimes, it's so hard to be me, their mother, that I can lose sight of how hard it is to be them.


This is brilliant.

And also why it's so important that we have each other here. If we were talking about my kids' issues, I would have close to no perspective and would need someone else to look in from outside. Don't forget to give yourself credit for what you do, even if there are times you lose it. The 80/20 rule should apply to ourselves too, right?

Signed,
A mother of an Aspie daughter who is four years older than her ASD brother. I wish you much strength.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Tue, Sep 06 2016, 11:53 am
Would anyone be interested in emailing me for further support? I'll make an address if I have any takers.
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