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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Need help with my very angry 8 year old.



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amother
Smokey


 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2016, 5:56 pm
MY 8 year old is a difficult child to deal with. He has a speech and language delay. He's been extremely angry lately, and has been yelling a lot and hurting people. He just kicked dd in the mouth and there was blood dripping from her tongue. Last week he punched her in the mouth, also causing her to bleed. He hurts this particular dd more than anyone else, though he yells at everyone all the time. Another dd asked him if he has homework, and he yelled and screamed that how dare she ask him that and don't ask again and mind your own business.

I feel like something is bothering him and causing all this anger. I can think of a few things that could be angering him. I would like to take him to a psychologist, but I can't afford to pay one. are there decent ones who take insurance? We are in Manhattan, but I'd be willing to go to Williamsburg as well. I think I once heard about a good clinic there?

Also, any ideas for how I can help him myself in the meantime?
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tf




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2016, 6:10 pm
Eitza will be able to guide you in the right direction. 718-851-5111 every night 9:30-11
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2016, 6:57 pm
There are certainly psychologists who take insurance. You can look online at the names of providers on your plan, then google them to get some feel for their competence and style. Not as good as word of mouth, but it can work.

Please look into parent training. The best way to change a difficult chili's to teach the parents more skills. You're never so experienced that you can't benefit from more.

Two books that can change your life:

Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach, by Howard Glasser

The Behavior Code, by Jessica Minahan.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2016, 8:42 am
could it be that his language delay is causing him to be frustrated and he doesnt' have the tools to deal with even the smallest challenges?
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Tel Tzion Ima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2016, 8:53 am
I have a son who is very similar, language delay and ADHD. He often yells at everyone and physically takes out his frustration on the other kids as well. I've been taking an excellent parenting class for the past year, and here a few things I've learned that I've found to be helpful.

If his yelling/hitting/etc is unprovoked. (I wouldn't consider simply asking, "Hey, do you have HW?" provocation) then he's probably feeling out of control. It's common with kids with learning disabilities and/or ADHD and/or sensory issues. When kids are in that state of being out of control, they benefit greatly from deep pressure by giving them bear hugs. You could PM me for more details.

You can also Google "sensory diet" and try incorporating some of those activities into his daily schedule. It help kids who tend to become out of control not become out of control. It can work as a preventative so that he looses it less often.

Also try to figure out if he's tired, hungry, thirsty, hot. 85% of bad behavior can be eliminated by making sure a child's physical needs are met.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2016, 11:14 am
Thanks.

I have a couple of therapists to call.

I read the nurtured heart approach and tried it. We use some elements of it.

There definitely are times when the language delay frustrates him, though I think more so with his friends. He doesn't feel as confident in expressing himself with people out of the family.

He does also have sensory issues, and bear hugs are often the only thing that can calm him down. We use them a lot, and we're trying to incorporate more hugging when he is behaving nicely so that it won't be a reward for losing his temper. I also bought kinetic sand recently, which he seems to enjoy.
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amother
Red


 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2016, 1:14 pm
Op you sound like an amazing mom!
I too have such a child but I'm nowhere near as patient as you!
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2016, 1:39 pm
Hugs! If he's anything like my son things will get better as the language comes along. Is he getting maximum quality language therapy you can provide him? My son hardly said a word until he was 3 and then it was years of therapy and awkward speech patterns. At 10 yrs he's not 100% but he's doing great. It's been a while since he had to resort to throwing toys, trashing his room, shredding up his favorite books and other destructive behaviors that came from his frustrations. I never took him to a psychologist, but then again he was never hurting his siblings. (Unless they got in the crossfire of his flying toys). So maybe in this case it's the right way to go. Maybe first call your insurance to see what doctors they cover, then bounce a few names around here to see if anyone knows and recommends them?
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2016, 1:41 pm
amother wrote:
MY 8 year old is a difficult child to deal with. He has a speech and language delay. He's been extremely angry lately, and has been yelling a lot and hurting people. He just kicked dd in the mouth and there was blood dripping from her tongue. Last week he punched her in the mouth, also causing her to bleed. He hurts this particular dd more than anyone else, though he yells at everyone all the time. Another dd asked him if he has homework, and he yelled and screamed that how dare she ask him that and don't ask again and mind your own business.

I feel like something is bothering him and causing all this anger. I can think of a few things that could be angering him. I would like to take him to a psychologist, but I can't afford to pay one. are there decent ones who take insurance? We are in Manhattan, but I'd be willing to go to Williamsburg as well. I think I once heard about a good clinic there?

Also, any ideas for how I can help him myself in the meantime?


Parenting an exoplosive child can be very challenging. I highly recommend reading "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene (https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473356223&sr=8-1&keywords=explosive+child)

Basically, you need to figure out what is triggering your child and brainstorm with them how to solve the problem. Their problems may not be what you think it is.

Are you on FB? There's a really great group built around The Explosive Child that can provide help from parents of kids who are explosive. It's also a great system for all kids and focuses on solving everyone's problems collaboratively.
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