First day of pre-K anxiety

israeli83

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 11:46 am

Any suggestions as to how to take my boy tomorrow for his 1st day of pre-K? He went to nursery last year, but this is a different school. He's already telling me that he's not going tomorrow. I keep on telling him that if he goes, he'll get a gift when he comes home. Any other suggestions? he's very stubborn and I really don't want to drag him to school while he'll be crying/screaming.

PassionFruit

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 12:01 pm

1.A lot of prep. At home we play out getting dropped off/how school will be with menchies and whatever other props we need. We also play it out with us pretending to be the teacher/student/parents.

2. check if there is something specific he is afraid of and address that. Try to probe here. Did he have a bad past experience when he was away from you (even if it was a playdate at a friends house or a babysitter etc)? did his last morah yell at him or make him feel bad for any reason? does the new teacher look similar to someone he is afraid of?

3. See if the teacher will work with you to help him. Last year my son was very scared, so the teacher texted me if he wasn't doing well and allowed him to call home whenever he wanted. sometimes he would tell me he wanted to come home and I picked him him. This flexible, chilled out stance helped him feel secure that his feelings mattered to me and I would always protects him and help him feel safe. This method took us about a month, but there wasn't one tear and my son felt completely safe and comfortable by that time.

israeli83

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 5:34 pm

Thanks for the suggestions. Well, the 1st day was actually easy with him. It was a half day so he knew he's coming home earlier and I kept on telling him that when he comes home, I have a gift for him for his 1st day of school. He didn't cry at all when I left him at school. But he did tell me that a boy bothered him. So now after the weekend, he didn't want to go back to school. It was difficult to take him in on the 2nd day. I was with him in the lobby of the school for like 20minutes. I finally got closer to the class and the teacher came out to help. I couldn't even take him in the class with me. The only way for me to put him in the class is if I leave and the teacher grabs him inside. I hate hearing him cry, but that was the only way. Then I called to find out how he's doing and he was fine, probably just cried in the beginning. Today he didn't tell me that a boy bothered him, however, he kept on crying telling me he doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. I can't just keep him in the house because it's going to be harder to actually bring him back (he'll feel too comfortable with me and not want to go back! since he's not very social either). So I'm not sure what else to do rather than to "force" him to go. I'm bribing him with chocolate in the morning so he goes, but I have a feeling it won't be another easy morning....

amother

Coral

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 5:53 pm

funnyface wrote:

I like the tired suggestion. See if the teacher can do this.
Also make sure that this other child is not bullying him.

amother

Teal

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 6:41 pm

funnyface wrote:

3. See if the teacher will work with you to help him. Last year my son was very scared, so the teacher texted me if he wasn't doing well and allowed him to call home whenever he wanted. sometimes he would tell me he wanted to come home and I picked him him. This flexible, chilled out stance helped him feel secure that his feelings mattered to me and I would always protects him and help him feel safe. This method took us about a month, but there wasn't one tear and my son felt completely safe and comfortable by that time.

THIS. If you are are at home and able to do this, this is the best long-term investment you can make. Let him know that you think he will really enjoy school but that it can take a while to get used to it, it's different for every child, and that's ok. While he's getting used to it, he can call you whenever he wants and if he wants you to come pick him up early, you will. He will test this out in the beginning, and maybe even a lot. Take his calls, listen and be supportive but don't pressure. At all. Pick him up if he wants you to. This will give him the security he needs to venture further into school, for longer and longer, knowing that you will always be there for him when he needs you.

TeachersNotebook

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 11:55 pm

Maybe try to pinpoint, identify, and validate his feelings and fears surrounding school as well. Not with the goal of getting him into the classroom or decreasing tantrums. Just with the goal of letting him know that you completely understand and validate why he is afraid or upset. And there might be a multitude of reasons. If you don't feel like you've gotten all of them, speak with the teacher to see if he/she might have any other insights.

For example, my daughter told me she was afraid of her teacher and the new school. (I was so proud of her for actually voicing her feeling! She's really young.) I didn't say anything like, "Well, you should go anyway and it will get better." Or even, "Well, you should go anyway and I'll give you a treat." (And hey, we're heavy into bribery here, I just didn't think this was what DD needed Very Happy

) I said, "I hear you're scared. That's OK. It can be scary when you don't know your new teacher, and when you have a new school. But your new teacher is your friend." We repeated this conversation quite a few times, and she seemed to like my answer.

Another line she seemed to like last year (her first year in school/day care) was that "parents always come back." (I stole it from Daniel Tiger TV show.) She said this line to me once in passing last year, which made me realize that this was a real concern for her. So I've made sure to repeat it pretty often. She was really too young to be able to put her exact fear into words last year, except for the one time she repeated Daniel Tiger's line out of context. The line validates what she's feeling and why she's feeling it, while at the same time reassuring her about it. I do feel like without this line, we probably would have had more tantrums and hard school mornings because I wouldn't have been addressing her real fear.

BTW, I love all of funnyface's suggestions, but this is different than her second suggestion. I'm talking about probing normal fears, like new school anxiety or parent separation. I'm not talking about bad experiences unless you specifically think that's the cause.