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My high school daughter calls herself dumb.



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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 3:13 am
She has always struggled academically and didn't get into the high school she really wanted. She is not popular either and doesn't have good friends. She's been saying things like "don't try to tell me hashem didn't make me dumb. It's a fact I'm horrible at so many things that other kids are good at". I don't have a good answer. Truth is she's not as intelligent as her peers. Hashem DID make her that way. Of course I don't love her any less and it pains me to no end to hear her saying these things. Even when she puts in a big effort she almost never scores higher than mid seventies. I tell her there's more to her and to life than being an "A" student and I'm so proud of her for trying but she still comes back to her point that hashem made some people smart and some dumb and it's pretty clear he made her dumb. Can someone suggest a good response to her comment please?
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 3:39 am
You just described me. I was that child in school ,where as much as I tried I never got high marks or was good at anything.

Try to focus on her positive qualities without mentioning her weak academics. Also is there any hobby she is good at? Or maybe find something she would like to do to build up her confidence.

Also it took me until college to sort of do well. Somethings I was good at but some I never got.
Just try to focus on her good qualities and tell her everyone was created different with different qualities some people are very ugly some are fat even when they try to diet, some people are smart some arent, we are all different.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 3:56 am
I went through the exact same thing with my daughter who is today happy, confindent and married to a wonderful young man.
First of all, tell her "dumb' is not knowing right from wrong. Academics and popularity are no measure of smartness. A person who wants to know, and do the right thing is smart.
Also, tell her that friends are given to us by Hashem on an "as need" basis. Friends in no way measure our value as a person. Hashem has already put everyone she needs in her life, all she needs is to be open to possibilities.
Constantly review with her all the things she has to be grateful for (you will be surprised how much there is). Remind her how much Hashem loves her.
Lastly, try to find other things that she can succeed at. If she is not academic or popular, maybe she is athletic, artistic or likes to sing, dance or act?
My daughter became a life guard, painted many masterpieces that I proudly hung all over my home, took voice lessons and even recorded a song before her wedding.
Hatzlocha with your very special and wonderful daughter.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 5:24 am
I tell my kids that the whole IQ thing is considered sadly out of date, and was never accurate. Now, modern psychology thinks much more Jewishly -- that there are multiple intelligences. Some are academic, like math or reading. Others are social, or creative, or practical.

Point out hers, and try using the language of how smart she is at that.

At the same time, it's worth explaining the studies that show that the most successful people are the ones who try the hardest, regardless of where they are coming in. I think it was Einstein who said that success is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 5:30 am
I feel it is a product of the crazy competition coupled with "everyone is a winner" mentality.

By here, what matters is the passing grade. And we have the opposite problem of complacence towards oneself Wink
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chayamiriam




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 5:38 am
You can also tell her that success in school does not always mean success in life! There are lots and lots of A students who accomplish nothing in life. Thomas Edison's teacher said he was slow and wouldn't amount to anything, but his mom believed in him!
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 6:01 am
I have a high school grad who struggled academically - and actually, we always applauded her struggle. On her last term transcript, her teacher wrote that DD "is to be commended for never taking the easy way out and achieving her goals". DD chose to go for a regular (not modified) diploma even though it killed her to get it. We were really, really proud of her at graduation (and along the whole road toward that). We always let her know that it was her efforts that made us proud of her. We tried our best to help her out, too.

We purposely guided her toward a high school in Lakewood that is warm, caring, and not we-are-the-greatest-people-on-earth type, because we felt it would be better for her, and quite frankly, more in line with our own outlook. We never allowed her to feel that she "didn't get in" to the best place (because we didn't aim for that - we could have pushed for it and chose not to) and we have been enthusiastic about her school (and our next daughter, who is academically gifted B"AH, is very happy in the same school too.)

You need to change your own thoughts toward her daughter. Forget about whether you think she is the most intelligent. Hashem makes no mistakes, he makes all of us perfect. He gives us gifts, just some of them are the type that society doesn't put on the front page of the NY times. It's our job as parents to zone in on what makes our child special, and to help them build on it.

Is she talented in some area? It could be be art, or hairstyling, or dance, or music, or baking, or sewing. Can she learn a skill that will give her confidence and make her feel good about herself, and give her something to look forward to in her future? Every person has something that can make them shine, it's just a treasure waiting to be discovered. Find it and invest in it - it'll be worth every penny you ever spend.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 6:09 am
amother wrote:
I went through the exact same thing with my daughter who is today happy, confindent and married to a wonderful young man.
First of all, tell her "dumb' is not knowing right from wrong. Academics and popularity are no measure of smartness. A person who wants to know, and do the right thing is smart.
Also, tell her that friends are given to us by Hashem on an "as need" basis. Friends in no way measure our value as a person. Hashem has already put everyone she needs in her life, all she needs is to be open to possibilities.
Constantly review with her all the things she has to be grateful for (you will be surprised how much there is). Remind her how much Hashem loves her.
Lastly, try to find other things that she can succeed at. If she is not academic or popular, maybe she is athletic, artistic or likes to sing, dance or act?
My daughter became a life guard, painted many masterpieces that I proudly hung all over my home, took voice lessons and even recorded a song before her wedding.
Hatzlocha with your very special and wonderful daughter.


What a marvelous post.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 6:25 am
Hashem did make her this way.
Those that have it easy academically got it straight from HaShem.
Hashem just gave it to them.
We have no control over this.
But in our middot and Mitzvot is where our true efforts lie.
Because that is where we have to work hard to make the right choice.
A mentch is worth so much more than a brain that can memorize a bunch of facts and then parrot them out.
Who is worth more a person born with a silver spoon in his mouth or a person who through his hard work is wealthy.
A self made man is worth so much more.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 6:43 am
amother wrote:

Lastly, try to find other things that she can succeed at. If she is not academic or popular, maybe she is athletic, artistic or likes to sing, dance or act?
My daughter became a life guard, painted many masterpieces that I proudly hung all over my home, took voice lessons and even recorded a song before her wedding.
Hatzlocha with your very special and wonderful daughter.


This is so important. My DD is BH smart, but I wanted her to feel good about herself in other ways to. She discovered her love for volunteering. She gets more joy out of seeing her babies smile than getting a great mark on a test.

Some kids like myself struggled in school but did great on computers. Your daughter may be able to take a course on Sundays.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 6:53 am
Agree with all of the above posters. There are so many different types of intelligence, and success in life does not come from having academic intelligence. Your daughter should develop self confidence by developing her strengths.

OP, what jumped out at me from your post was, you stating that your daughter is right, Hashem did make her less intelligent.

Even if you never said those words to her out loud, it's possible she's picking up on your feelings.

OP, you have to be her advocate. You have to be the one who convinces the world (which is mostly the school, at this point), to look at the big picture. To identify her specific weaknesses but to recognize that Hashem blessed her with many strengths that will allow her to get far in life. OP, you have to believe this yourself.

I think it's ok to tell her that in your house, no one is allowed to speak badly about any family member, even themselves, and that it pains you to hear her speak that way.

Just like positive self-talk makes us feel optimistic, hopeful and confident, negative self-talk does the opposite. When she says out loud that she's dumb, she's reinforcing her own negative beliefs.

Hatzlocha
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 13 2016, 7:03 am
Here's another inspiring story. The governor of CT has spoken openly about his struggles with dyslexia as well as what we'd probably call today, OT/PT issues. He said when he was a kid, everyone gave up on him; they thought he was unintelligent would never amount to anything.

But his mother always believed in him, and always encouraged him to find opportunities for public speaking, since that was his strength. This gave him the confidence to believe in himself and keep trying.

I'm pasting the whole article because it's really a great read

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/4232.....xTHoY

GREENWICH, Conn. — Doctors called him spastic. Teachers said he was mentally [crazy]. Some of his nastier classmates called him dummy. Today, Dannel P. Malloy is called something else: governor of Connecticut.

Malloy, who still struggles with reading and calls writing "almost impossible," credits his lifelong struggle with dyslexia for developing listening skills and memory tricks he uses every day with constituents and legislators.

Despite reaching his state's top elected position, there's still lingering embarrassment over his learning difficulties, Malloy told students Tuesday at Greenwich's Eagle Hill School, a campus for children with language-based learning disorders like his own.

"I have to tell you, I'll be right up front about it: I'm the governor of the state of Connecticut and I can't write anything well," Malloy told the rapt students. "This is who we are. I can't write things. I'm embarrassed all the time about that, particularly if people don't know that about me."

Although he has never hidden his dyslexia, Malloy's election as Connecticut's governor last year placed him on the national stage as an increasingly public face for awareness of learning disorders. He's also a vocal advocate for early intervention to help students compensate for those disabilities.

Malloy's tactics entail dictating his correspondence to others, jotting a few words on a scrap of paper to jog his memory for his off-the-cuff speeches, and memorizing short greetings to write on autographs — usually, "Keep up the good work!"

The International Dyslexia Association says as many as 20 percent of the population have a language-based learning disability like Malloy's, in which people have difficulty decoding and recognizing words. It's believed to have neurological and genetic causes.

Malloy, a Democrat and the youngest of eight children, was also born with coordination problems that made it difficult for him to even button clothes and tie his shoes until about fifth grade.

"I had great difficulty and people thought I would never be successful in life," he said of his teachers. "'Mentally [crazy]' was the term that was used. That's what I was thought to be."

Malloy spoke candidly to the students Tuesday about his struggles, recalling when teachers would post his failing scores on the classroom board, or how he stayed away from collecting baseball cards like many other boys because deciphering the words and statistics was so torturous.

"Honestly, it was just terrible. I was embarrassed most of the time," he said.

He credits his mother and other adults who saw his potential, encouraged him to pursue his passions for public speaking and government, and refused to let him be defined by his learning disability.

As he grew older, he found he could absorb information easily and quickly through audiobooks. He eventually graduated with honors from Boston College, got his law degree and became a prosecutor. Later, he was Stamford's mayor and, in the fall, defeated Republican Tom Foley to become governor.

Today, much of what's on paper is still challenging for Malloy, but even political opponents are impressed by his memory for detail and ability to absorb information verbally.

Malloy delivered his message to the students Tuesday without written notes, like many of his official speeches and complicated budget presentations.

His advice to the students revolved around a basic theme he says has held true in his life: "If you're nice, if you like yourself, if you treat other people well, you're going to be successful. I guarantee it."

It's a message that hit home with 13-year-old Katie Nelson, of New Rochelle, N.Y., and 15-year-old Hannah Katzman, of New York City.

Both girls have attended Eagle Hill for five years and will be returning to traditional schools next fall.

"It's cool that someone who's so successful in his life had some of the same difficulties that we do," Katie said.


Copyright 2011 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 12:27 am
I was also a very unpopular pre-teen; overweight, not pretty, not smart, poor social skills, etc. My Parent always encouraged me and had positive words.
When I was about 14 and realized that I have a lot of worth. That I just need to dedicate myself. Sure enough, I started eating health, exercising, and once I looked and felt better, I started excelling at school, and when I switched high schools I made a lot of friends and improved my social skills. BH
Maybe my story is exceptional, but my point is, love in the home and confidence/self-esteem/self-worth is a crucial factor to success.

I heard a shiur by Rabbi Wallerstein once and he said every single person has something they are good at, a skill they can learn. Please find her some kind of activity - piano lessons, painting lessons, some kind of sport, jewelry making, horse riding, etc. that she will enjoy and will build her confidence.
Self-esteem is so important for her future relationships with her husband, kids, at work, etc.

Keep telling her you love her and that she is a great gift to you from HaShem. Encourage her. Give her chizzuk. Tell her about great people who did not do well at school (Einstein, for ex) but still reached success. Beethoven was deaf yet still composed the most beautiful music. Moshe Rabbenu had a lisp and could not speak well yet was the only one zoche to speak with HaShem. David Hamelech was small and shunned by his family yet was one of the greatest kings and spiritual leaders. All your chizzuk does not go on fallen ears.


bhatzlacha!
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 12:38 am
My DD is not academically talented. It has been painful for both of us. When a kid is in school, that is most of their life and if they are not doing well it's difficult. Fortunately my DD has other skills and talents which I admire - and I make sure she knows that.

Personally I think Hashem was sending me a message about not being an intellectual snob.

My DS is very bright but totally uninterested in anything; also not so great.

I was very smart, did really well in school but never had many friends at that age. My social life as an adult is a zillion times better and I am truly blessed with wonderful close friends.

Not everybody has to be academic. You can help your DD find something she's good at. Nobody is good at everything and everybody is good at something.

But I know it's not easy.....
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Snickers18




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 1:05 am
Perhaps this is helpful?

https://vimeo.com/175524001
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