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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Must attend both lchayim and vort?



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amother
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Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 8:39 pm
If you've attended a lechayim (for immediate family, let's say) but there's a vort a few weeks later that's about a nine hour drive away, each way- is it sufficient that you attended the lechayim, or do you then need to go to the vort as well?
Let's just say you're already overwhelmed in life as it is, and the family member totally understands if you can't, and they said it's fine, they're so happy that you came to the lchayim...do you still need to attend? I love this relative, and don't want to feel horrible after, but I'm not even going to know anyone there, it's going to be so difficult during an already difficult time....Would you go?

ETA: What's the deal with the LChayim and the Vort anyway? Aren't they both celebrating the same exact thing? Why the need for both?
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 8:41 pm
no need to attend for a nine hour drive event.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 8:44 pm
Wow, I thought I was the only one overwhelmed that I don't have the strength for going to simchas. I am so happy when my relatives get engaged and married but am too overwhelmed to attend the lechaim, vort...but my relatives expect I come and get insulted if I don't attend.

. if your relative understands that you can't come, then I think you should not go as you did go to the lechaim and the relative will not be insulted as you stated.

.
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rowo




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 8:46 pm
I'm assuming you will be going to the wedding.
I don't think you have to go.
It's a really long drive, at a busy time of year.
Whatsapp, FaceTime, get flowers/balloons/platter delivered. You can show your excitement and involvement in other ways.
especially if they are understanding - if it would cause major family issues, it might be a different story.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 8:49 pm
it's redundant to make both ... why do people even bother

save that nine hour drive for the wedding
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amother
Silver


 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 8:54 pm
We had a l'chaim and vort, since if we had just had the l'chaim the night we got engaged (Motzaei Shabbos), most of our friends would not have been able to make it.

Last edited by amother on Thu, Jul 11 2019, 12:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
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Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 9:17 pm
Thanks all, for making me feel better about this!
As it was the lchayim was a few hours drive for me. I understand why they're making both, since one side lives in one city, the other side in another....And of course I'll drive if that's where they make the wedding...It's just that other immediate family members who aren't attending were giving very legit excuses (real medical issues, etc.) and I'm just like, isn't it sufficient that I'm generally exhausted with barely any free time as it is, and don't want to spend a total of eighteen hours driving to say mazal tov for something I just said to you at a party you made for the same simcha over here? I really do love the people involved...I just don't think my presence there will mean that much to the people there, that would justify me having to make the trek....
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 9:20 pm
Very often couples whose families live far from each other will make a lchayim in one of their cities and a vort in the other one's city. Like this they each have a party with their friends and family. You definitely wouldn't be expected to come for both. Just be happy it's a family member who doesn't expect you to come and don't worry about it.
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chocolatecake




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 9:58 pm
The fact that you drove the nine hours once is amazing. Ive missed sibilibgs lchaims vorts and ufrufs because they were too far. Save the drive for the wedding
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Wed, Sep 14 2016, 10:03 pm
chocolatecake wrote:
The fact that you drove the nine hours once is amazing. Ive missed sibilibgs lchaims vorts and ufrufs because they were too far. Save the drive for the wedding


haha..no. I didn't drive the nine hours once. The lachayim was a few hours away. Maybe a total of 4-5 hours drive or more. I meant that it's nine hours each way for a total of eighteen hours if I were to go to the vort.
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 15 2016, 5:48 am
Drive 18 hours for an engagement party? That's crazy. I wouldn't do that even if it was my own engagement party ;-)
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UnFarvosNischt




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 15 2016, 6:00 am
I think they made the double party for people just like you, that won't be able to make 9 hours drive for the vort so they made a lchaim closer! So you are totally "yotse" Smile
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