Help me figure out a replacement behavior 10 yr old yelling

amother

White

Thu, Sep 15 2016, 8:44 am

When my 10yr old son gets mad he will scream, could be a one second thing or even a short few minute tantrum. often its with chutzpah. He won't do it in public, it's just in the house. I can give him a behavior chart and that would likely motivate him enough but in addition I want to teach him a replacement behavior for the yelling. I think this will help him in the long run as opposed to just bribing him to not scream or be chutzpadik. But I need help, what can I teach him as a replacement behavior? I know I can teach him "stop and think", "breathe", but I don't know that those are enough... what else? TIA

anonymrs

Thu, Sep 15 2016, 10:02 pm

Why is he so angry?
Teens and preteens can feel emotions very intensely without knowing the right way to cope/express/communicate their emotions and needs. Your job is to model it for him. "It seems you're feeling very angry/frustrated/annoyed/furious/upset/livid because xyz. Is that right?" And of course, when YOU are upset, make sure you are modeling proper communication of feelings, too. You can't expect him to do something in the moment of intense feelings that you can't even do.

amother

Natural

Thu, Sep 15 2016, 10:02 pm

First of all, OP, know that this is not atypical behavior for a 10 year old. So while, yes, it needs to be addressed, its normal Smile

So I do a few things, mostly I give the child some time and space to cool off, then a calm talk about what was bothering him etc. then, after I've (hopefully) been able to help him process whatever was upsetting him, I'd try a little chat about pushing away the people we need. how when you yell at me I cant help you. and a brainstorm session about what he can do differently and how I can help him do differently next time. by this age I find its best if the ideas are their own, not a punishment from me. the natural consequence, and I would tell him this for next time because it will likely happen again Smile

is that I will not stick around to be yelled at. If he yells at me again I will calmly let him know once that 'you are yelling at me' and then remove myself from the room.

its really amazing what kids come up with. I BH have a number of children who have been through this stage and they have each come up with different ideas ranging from 'I need to break things to calm down' (we supplied him with a hammer and wood in the garage - he cleans up afterwards) to 'please remind me to go play guitar when I'm yelling'. another kid wanted me to hold him on my lap (yes, at 10!) and ignore the yelling. I tried that and it really helped, and within a few weeks he would just ask to sit with me instead of throwing the fit. I never would have thought of that, so that's why I think its good to have him problem solve.

good luck. sounds like you are on the ball and there for your child. This too shall pass

anonymrs

Thu, Sep 15 2016, 10:06 pm

amother wrote:

First of all, OP, know that this is not atypical behavior for a 10 year old. So while, yes, it needs to be addressed, its normal Smile

You sound like a great mother.