How to preserve DH's stature in the kids' eyes

amother

Emerald

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 9:53 am

Here is my post regarding a remarkably similar DH and question from another angle but . . . it's all the same at the end of the day.

http://www.imamother.com/forum.....pouse

I still haven't figured it out so I'll be following this thread. . .

Hatzlacha and major hugs to you!

causemommysaid

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 10:28 am

I personally think its the right thing to stand up to him if he is acting like a moron. Its great to have a unified front but that is only in a situation where the parenting method is valid one.

When he sends Moishy to his room say something like "well since Moishy doesn't deserve this punishment, he can take his legos with him, and shmuly needs to go to his own time out for wrecking the tower"

Your kids will think him a fool but that is not your problem. Its his problem. Your problem is making sure they don't hate you later on for not defending them.

STMommy

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 12:56 pm

Slateblue amother, I was totally in your shoes once. Now my DH and I have a system that when he starts to do or say something completely nuts to the kids, I interrupt him and say, "Honey, can I please speak with you in another room privately?" Then I calmly speak to DH about how together we want to handle the situation, and then we quickly return. This works because like your DH, my DH will acknowledge when his approach is totally off base. This doesn't help for other times DH is doing things that drive me and the kids crazy, but in those times I remind myself that I'm not perfect either.
One more thought - would your DH consider apologizing to your kids when there is a fail? My DH doesn't apologize to them, but I do when I mess up, and I think it makes a huge difference.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 1:26 pm

OP here, thanks for your responses. Reading and processing them all.

I will try to write more later. Thank you ladies. And much hazlacha to the amother who has it worse :-(

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 1:38 pm

amother wrote:

How did I miss that thread? Describes dh exactly, including the abruptly stopping the car example on a highway because of a minor squabble in the backseat! The people who were dismissive of it have clearly not lived with this situation. It is much worse that it sounds on paper.

Honestly, I feel there's nothing to do. DH will not go to therapy or change in any way. Leaving him means that when it's his turn to have the kids, I won't be there to mitigate his crazy parenting. We can talk and agree ad nauseam about his mistakes, to no appreciable change.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 1:50 pm

amother wrote:

Leaving him means that when it's his turn to have the kids, I won't be there to mitigate his crazy parenting. We can talk and agree ad nauseam about his mistakes, to no appreciable change.

This is the main reason I've stayed married. I want my kids to have full access to their father, and that would make me nervous without me around. He definitely wouldn't react well to supervised anything.

I'm one of the amother's on that thread. I try to mitigate, and have even managed to get through to dh on certain things so that they happen way less often.

Honestly, I think most of us here have highly reactive husbands in general. So not only are we dealing with this aspect, but it's likely that we can't rely on dh emotionally in a lot of other situations either. So we do a lot ourselves, and keep a lot inside. At least I do. And then you have to get the kids to respect a man who you know has good intentions and so much to give, but with whom you are so so frustrated, because he's not a partner you can fully lean on.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 1:57 pm

Also adding that with emotional reactivity often comes physical/sensory reactivity. I imagine kvetching to my dh is like all my kids shouting at once is to me, or worse. But he definitely isn't doing OT.