Help I slapped my 5 yr old

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Sep 25 2016, 3:48 pm

Scene: we just arrived home from park outing. Its early evening. Supper is to be served within 10 min. 4 week old is crying needs to be held. 3 year old behaving. 5 year old begins to misbehave big time AND DOESNT STOP - coloring on the table, overturning boxes, generally not listening. I lost it once and yelled at her to stop while forefully grabbing pencils out of her hand (that probably physically hurt her). She laughed and continued, which of course infuriated me. I calmed myself down, took her by the hand and proceeded to give her attention. She responded but continued to misbehave. I was calling my husband when she bit my shoulder. I lost it and reflexivly slapped her across the face. She of course srarted crying, I felt bad and comforted her, her 'spell' of misbehaving finally over.
Is this normal 5 yr old behaviour? Help me learn how to respond next time, not proud of the slapping Sad

gold21

Sun, Sep 25 2016, 3:55 pm

What stands our to me in your post is that you have a 4 week old. There is no "normal" when there's a newborn in the house. Dont dwell on what happened. Mazal Tov and feel good. Tongue Out

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Sep 25 2016, 4:17 pm

OP here. Yes having a newborn changes things. But this is not new behaviour. Shes been in these misbehaving modes before. How to cope??

amother

Pink

Sun, Sep 25 2016, 4:41 pm

It a was reflex? Let it go. She or her soul deserved it on some level, or it woulda not have happened .

But DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING THAT BECAUSE IT "WORKED", YOU SHOULD DO IT AGAIN.

Resolve to NEVER do it again.

Then listen to people's advice here, take parenting classes and so on so you don't feel powerless in the future.

little_mage

Sun, Sep 25 2016, 6:01 pm

I agree it seems like you reacted without thinking, and if this is the first, and only time, I wouldn't worry overmuch about it.

Something I've found is that simply telling a child to stop is often not particularly effective. I have to offer an alternative behavior. In this specific scenario, I probably would have either tried to get the child helping me make dinner or taken a minute to find some paper so that they could color on an appropriate surface. The important part is the offering of an alternative, though.

Queen6

Sun, Sep 25 2016, 6:56 pm

Newborn or not - if a kid is out of control she needs to be dealt with. A slap is not the worlds worst thing. However, you should start taking a parenting course and pick a method so that your daughter doesn't continue this out of control.... Look into Sori Yaraslowitz

gold21

Sun, Sep 25 2016, 7:03 pm

What would happen if you simply disciplined the child? Like, sent her to her room, threatened to take something away from her (and followed through as needed)?

When there's a newborn in the house and everyone is adjusting to all the changes, I would imagine kids would benefit from the safety and security of discipline.

imasinger

Sun, Sep 25 2016, 8:05 pm

Gotta love that witching hour.

This situation may have been a bunch of small errors compounded.

1. Transitioning from park to home. This is hard, and you would do well to anticipate difficulty and forestall it. Maybe on the way back, some extra attention for the bigger kids, plus a plan of something enjoyable. DD sounds like she was wild from the get-go.

2. Stopping the wild behavior/coloring on the table.

Unfortunately, by grabbing the pencils, you may have inadvertently signalled that it was okay to get physical. Kids will often revert to biting, as it is a very effective way to get even. You needed a different way to halt her in her tracks.

I recently had a chat with a veteran kindergarten teacher who has done wonders with a very rambunctious class in the first few weeks of school. I said I wished I had time to just sit and watch to see how she got them to behave so much better.

She told me that one important trick was to get down to their level, be sure there was eye contact, (eye contact is super important here) and speak very, very quietly but very firmly.

In your case -- "It's time for you to put down those pencils. Right. Now.". ( Not given to you, which will require more self control, but on the table.)

Then, thank her, and give her something quiet and appealing to do.

3. You rewarded her bad behavior with attention.

Better to catch her doing something, anything good, and then give her attention.

4. You stopped giving her attention and called your DH. Here's an idea; maybe you did this, but you might want to invite her to make the call with you, and maybe to put the phone on speaker and let her help push the phone buttons, so she feels included.

In conclusion. Please know that I am not blaming you for the momentary loss of control, and if you apologize and regroup, she won't either.

I'm just trying to suggest some ideas to help with this kind of thing in the future.

Which is a totally unfair thing to do to a mom 4 weeks postpartum.

So, if it's not helpful, please forgive me.

This, too, shall pass.

Hug