My son threatened to stab his sister :(

amother

Blue

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 6:46 pm

I'm so sad. He's 7... they got into an argument over a game they were playing and he went from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds. He threatened to stab her, grabbed her around the neck, and squeezed. She's 4.

I'm scared for my kids' safety. I don't think he was really going to hurt her but what if he really did mean it? what if it continues like this when he gets older and stronger and overpowers her?

I told him (screamed at him, really - I panicked) that threatening to hurt someone is against the law and I could call the police. I was really scared and I feel like I didn't handle it right.

Please help me. Crying

imasinger

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 7:08 pm

We have one rule posted in our house -- no hurting people, no hurting things. You break that rule, you go in time out. After the time out, when everyone is calm, we discuss. Try to remember that his aggression may have scared him, too. The calmer we are in our response, the more quickly we help our kids -- and we model the skill that we want them to master. (There are probably better approaches than threatening the police, especially for a 7 year old.)

Maybe he can recognize the signs of stress, and learn to avoid meltdown. Check out the Zones of Regulation program.

Maybe you will have to monitor for key factors. Most meltdowns happen during HALT -- when we are Hungry, Tired, Angry, or Lonely. Usually 2 or more of those at once.

If all else fails, speak to a psychiatrist. There are medications that can help a kid control impulsive aggression.

amother

Wine

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 7:29 pm

Imasinger, I'd love to know how one gets a child who is that riled up into time out, and how one gets him to stay there. In particular, how does one accomplish this without having to personally be there to enforce, giving that child all the attention and taking it away from the kid who got threatened and/or hurt.

I have a kid who goes 0-60 like this. Angry is all it takes, and all she needs to get angry is for something not to be the way she wants.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 7:56 pm

amother wrote:

At this age he must have heard this from somewhere. Do you have any idea how he picked this up?

imasinger

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 8:30 pm

amother wrote:

It's not easy.

There were several steps.

First, we took a time when nobody was upset, and I announced that this would be our new system to keep everyone safe. I pointed out the spot, some place with nothing to look at or touch, and where I could supervise. We practiced going to the spot, looking at the timer, and what would happen at the end (praise for a good job, no more discussion of the incident that day). We also practiced what would happen if you didn't go to timeout, which was that you would not be permitted anything fun or rewarding until timeout was done.

We did a bunch of practicing, with lots of praise, before putting it into real use.

When there is an injured party, it depends on the nature of the injury. Obviously, if medical care is needed, c"vsh (that never happened for us, b"H), we administer that first. The perpetrator can be told to go to time out, but if s/he resists, then we make sure the victim is calmed and comforted, at least enough to get by, first.

As soon as possible, the aggressor, if s/he didn't go to time out, gets told again. When a kid is too upset to obey, then all privileges are suspended until the debt is paid, however long that takes.

Length and style of timeouts vary for different people. For my kids, I find shorter is more effective, so about 30 seconds per year of age for most offenses. I allow wiggling and a little sound, as long as the child is seated. If they scream or get up, I stop the timer and say, "Let me know when you're ready."

Because it's not a big deal, and because it's one of the only things I absolutely insist upon, I usually get compliance.

And after the kid sees that I can praise them for taking time out, then they feel safe, and are ready sooner to talk about what happened and know that we can both be calm as we work to resolve the issue.

amother

Silver

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 9:28 pm

One of my children is like this, big emotions, can get very angry and lashes out.
She is now 7, a few years ago she threatened to stab me, even ran in the direction of the knives in the kitchen. I don't remember if she picked it up or not.
I was shaking, but I managed to stay calm on the outside. I pretended to call the police. I got my phone and dialled and had a whole conversation where she could hear. (I think I dialled my mothers number)

Matter of fact, she needed to know hurting someone with a knife is a crime, you call the police. I felt threatened so I called.

She was quite shocked.
She still gets angry and will try to hit us or kick us etc. But that episode let her know that there are some lines you don't cross.

We do go to a therapist with her, as she gets older tantrums are less and less ok. Big feelings are ok, we are just working on how we behave with those emotions.

amother

Copper

Fri, Sep 30 2016, 5:27 pm

I am have no comments for anyone. just that my dd did this when she was 12. I was beside myself and I was in a turmoil. she had other issues too. I wish I would have known what to do then. I seriously thought she needed a psychiatrist but my ex refused so I I couldnt follow through and she ended up in her fathers house. and he had to deal with her.

bottom line I hope she is better today. as she isnt in my house but in another country. by someone else. so I cant say what is going on. but she definitely has issues today too. I actually didnt do anything to her then. I didnt think anything I would do what help her. but I like the idea of faking calling police. that is intersting. though if the child has serious issues they might need meds.

amother

Turquoise

Sat, Oct 01 2016, 4:14 pm

amother wrote:

where do they get these ideas in their head? I do think that a child that is very hurt can do this. comes from immense pain. though it can be they just have big emotions and dont know how to deal with them.

My DS, aged nine said something like this recently. I asked him where he got it from (e.g. was it something he had read/film he had seen) and he said it came from him. I found that much more disturbing than if he had been repeating something a tad inappropriate that he had seen or read.

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Oct 02 2016, 12:20 am

with adhd they can get impulsively angry very quickly.
I had this on shabbos with my son. I took him aside and I said - I see you are angry -do you feel angry - I tried to get him to tell me his feelings and he explained how angry he is that his brother took his lego.
I took him over to a sign we have that says he's allowed to feel angry but he can't hurt others, hurt himself,or destry things - but he should speak about it.
B"H it did work - but it is hard and you have to do it over and over again.

gmgv

Sun, Oct 02 2016, 12:22 am

Wow, I cannot imagine what you women must have gone thru to experience that with your children!
Having worked professionally with such children I have a few pieces of advice.
The first, and probably hardest, is keep loving your child with every ounce of love you have. As the saying goes, "the children who need the most love ask for it in the most unloving ways." Children like these are hurting a lot. They experience their emotions very, very intensely and don't know how to regulate them. They need all the love they can get.
That being said, such children need help to equip them with the skills to engage with the world in a healthy and productive way. The sooner you can get your child the necessary help, the less you and your family will resent your child's behaviors.
I would recommend consulting with a behavior specialist to come up with a plan of action when such instances occur. Since each person is unique it can be hard to figure out what behavior plan is most appropriate for your child. Consulting with a behavior specialist allows you the opportunity to design a plan that meets the unique needs of your child. Additionally, I would recommend that you find a therapist for your child. A therapist can help your child gain the self regulation skills necessary.

Best of luck!