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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
8 yr old will NOT go to bed



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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 6:11 pm
She already in general has behavior issues, but the absolute worst is bedtime. Zero compliance. Temper tantrums on the floor. Crying. Wont stay in bed. Promises to go to bed if DH or I will just lay down with her a few minutes. But a few minutes is never long enough. And then if it was DH she wants me next, or vs. versa. And when that's over she needs to get up for water. Then a snack. Then a stomach ache. Then something itches. Then her fingernails are too long and bothering her. It's too light, too dark, too hot, too cold. Anything she can come up with.

I don't want to waste another evening policing this child all night long. And the worst bit is that she shares a room with a sister who loves to sleep and is being cheated out of at least an hour sleep every night because of her. Sometimes two, or more.

We are moving soon and will have an extra room. I am considering giving her her own room and just making a rule that starting bedtime she just needs to be in her room and quiet. Let her stay up all night readying, drawn pictures, playing with her dolls, etc. for all I care so long as the rest of us can have peace. Hopefully she will eventually get bored and go to sleep on her own. Or after a couple days suffer from severe exhaustion and naturally get to bed earlier.

Curious what other mom's think of this plan? Could it work? Or will it backfire? Is it negligent parenting? What can I do?????

Oh, I guess it is important to mention that this is a child who cannot be bribed into submission with any reward. Nor does she cower from threat of punishment.
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OutATowner




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 6:25 pm
That's really tough.
Can you start bedtime earlier?
Tell her "your bedtime is 7:30, but since it takes you an hour to settle down we will start at 6:30. Say it calmly and matter of factly. Not a punishment, but natural consenquence. During that time there are no snacks, toys, etc.
Regarding her own room, that could work. I don't think it's negligent parenting.
When you say threats don't work, do you follow through with them? Even if it doesn't get her to sleep, with enough consenquences she may realize it's just not worth it.
hatzlacha!!
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rachel6543




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 6:30 pm
My 8 year kid does not have the extent of behavior issues you describe, but sometimes my kid will get "silly" at bedtime and test us. I found what often helps is to not engage my child once we have finished the bed time routine and lights are out. If he gets out of bed or starts talking or messing around in bed, I'll just walk into his room, not say a word and just put him back to bed. Then I leave the room again without saying anything. I might come back 1-2 more times, but it seems to work most of the time. By not getting a reaction or attention from me, he gets bored and generally goes right to sleep after that.

Also, I don't let my kid watch any videos or use any electronic devices anytime near bedtime. I find that videos, iPad use... etc. really wires up my kid and causes him to act out. (Videos or iPad use are generally allowed 1-2 times maximum a week in my house).

Also, does your daughter like to read? Maybe you can get her a night light or flash light so she can read for a little in bed before falling asleep? Or maybe a book on tape she can listen to with headphones and fall asleep to?
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rachel6543




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 6:33 pm
OutATowner wrote:
That's really tough.
Can you start bedtime earlier?
Tell her "your bedtime is 7:30, but since it takes you an hour to settle down we will start at 6:30. Say it calmly and matter of factly. Not a punishment, but natural consenquence. During that time there are no snacks, toys, etc.
Regarding her own room, that could work. I don't think it's negligent parenting.
When you say threats don't work, do you follow through with them? Even if it doesn't get her to sleep, with enough consenquences she may realize it's just not worth it.
hatzlacha!!


The advice for an earlier bedtime is great. I forgot to add that. When my kid is acting up at bedtime, I just start the bedtime routine earlier. It really does help out, at least for my child.
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rowo




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 6:40 pm
Personally I would let the other child fall asleep in my room, to be moved to their bed later on, so they don't lose out on their sleep.
Tell the 8 year old, after XX o'clock (whatever you decide) you just need to be in your room quietly.
It's not a threat, it's not a reward, it just is. keep it very matter of fact.
Give her plenty of attention before, then after the designated time try not to respond too much to the issues that come up.

My daughter literally has a different complaint every night. After a while she has to get quite creative, 'when I wiggle my big toe it feels funny'
Obviously there are times that she really does feel sick or there is a real issue. But most of the time the simple response is.
'Ok'
'You need to be in your room now quietly'

Your dd will fall asleep eventually.

One more suggestion - have you ever tried audio books?
My daughter loves them. She might stay awake for quite a while listening, but at least she's calm and relaxed in bed.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 9:45 pm
MELATONIN!

It saved our sanity. Some kids only need it long enough to establish a sleep pattern. Ask your pediatrician for a recommended amount, and how long you should use it.

I found out that my daughter's body does not produce enough on it's own, so she literally could not get or stay asleep if her life depended on it. Once we got her on a super low dose (1 mg) all of our problems stopped. She doesn't take it in the summer or over holidays, so she can stay up late and play, and that also gives her a break so she doesn't get resistant to it. If she feels overtired and can't unwind, she'll take a half of one if she feels she needs it.

She's 13 now, and much more self aware than a 7yo, but she's been using it since she was 6, and she knows how to self regulate. Even when she was little, she would come and tell me "I'm tired and I need to sleep. Can I have my pill?" I think that iHerb or Swanson's sells kosher chewables.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 10:05 pm
Is she afraid of anything? As a child I would sometimes stay up for hours because I was afraid I would die.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 11:40 pm
I agree with you, OP, about her getting her own room, and letting her create her own bedtime routine. In the meantime, you might keep her out of the room until her sister is asleep, and only then start bedtime with her. I know it seems late, but since she wont go to sleep anyway, let her sit quietly somewhere else until her sister is asleep.

Since you've already tried laying with her and it doesn't work, it sounds to me like she has trouble falling asleep, and no parenting tactics will work with her. Instead, you want to think of this as an issue that she needs help with, rather than, as you already know, a misbehavior that needs parenting.

I know many people suggest Melatonin these days, but recently, as I already knew, they're finding that melatonin can cause liver problems. Any amino acid supplement does not easily exit the body, and can build up toxins in the liver. Anyone who takes amino acid supplements over long term, including melatonin, must have their liver function checked routinely. So honestly, I wouldn't start with that option.

These days, most people can benefit from magnesium. My 8yo with ADHD takes magnesium about 15 minutes before bedtime, and she says it helps her a lot. Also, she likes having a big heavy fluffy blanket on her.

We tried having her listen to music at bedtime but she wanted only songs with words, which didn't work well at all. But some people find classical music helpful.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2016, 12:21 am
Bedtime is the best for "no talking, no emotion"
With each new request or complaint, look at her sympathetically and say, "I'm sorry it's hard for you to sleep" or "shluf gezunt, I love you!"

While putting the younger kids to bed, have her read or listen to something in your bed. By the time it's her turn, she is already in a relaxed state.

In a calm moment, ask her for suggestions.

Give her a water bottle and remind her, no food after brushing teeth.
Have a blanket nearby in case she gets cold. Mushy socks too.

I have seen a basket on a kids bed of anything they might need in the course of the night.
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