2.5 year old cries all morning

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 11:08 am

so she wakes up to use the bathroom at 6am after 12 hrs of sleep. when she wakes she's cheerful and smiley. from then on its crying and whining till the van comes to get her for play group.
she cries if I take away her paci, once she's out of her crib, and when I give in she's screaming that she wants a different one. she cries when I let her play or when I put her back in her crib. she cries when I give her what to wear. if I want to help her dress she screams "alone" when I tell her to do the easy stuff alone she cries "help me, I cant alone".
if I want to make her hair it's a tantrum, when I tell her to put on her shoes it's a tantrum. if I go to the kitchen to prepare breakfast, it's a tantrum. I'm losing my mind. this goes on for 3 hours every morning. I try so hard to remain calm and not yell. sometimes I can sometimes I cant.

what am I doing wrong? what should I be doing differently??

HELP!!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 11:14 am

They don't call it "the Terrible Twos" for nothing.

She is frustrated, because what she wants to do and what she can do, are two very different things. Try to imagine how hard it would be for you to be her age! Give her empathy, and let her cry it out. She'll outgrow it eventually, you just have to hang in there.

gp2.0

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 11:40 am

amother wrote:

1) never give in to a tantrum. First, decide on what you're going to do. Either you're going to take away the paci, or you're going to let her keep it. But do not take it away and then give it back to her when she screams. This teaches her that screaming will get her what she wants.

The only way to deal with a tantrum is to walk a few steps away and say "I see you're mad/sad but mommy can't do anything if you're screaming." Offer a hug and if she doesn't want one just walk away and get busy doing other things. Don't stay there. Walk away.

2) in your first paragraph I'm seeing a recurring theme. You take away the paci, then you give it back. You take her out of the crib, then you put her back. (Why? She shouldn't be in the crib unless she's going to sleep.) what I'm seeing here is that you need to be more firm and decisive and confident. You are the mommy. If you decide it's time to play, it's time to play. If you decide no paci, there's no paci. End of story. No going back and forth. Your daughter will be happier if you are in control and in charge.

3) kids this age like to make their own decisions, within reason. Show her two dresses that you pick out and ask her which one she wants to wear. If she says neither, stay firm that these are the only two options. If she has a tantrum, walk away. But let her choose if she wants.

4) let her dress herself and don't stand over her while she's doing it or intervene at all when you see her struggling. Stay nearby, busy with other things, and tell her if she needs help (whether with "easy" or hard things) she can come to you and you'll help her. This lets her feel independent.

5) do boring things in fun playful ways. "Now it's time to put on your shoes! Whee! Shoes are flying to your feet like little birdies!" (Put on the shoes, continue talking) "What does a birdie say? Tweet tweet!" Boom. Shoes are on. Moving on.

5a) don't expect her to do things if she doesn't want to. She's 2.5. Sometimes she'll want to put on her own shoes, sometimes she won't. Don't insist on it if she doesn't want to, even if you know she can do it. It's not worth the power struggle.

6) consider the possibility that she wakes up hungry. Switch breakfast around so it's the first thing you do every day instead of the last and see if that makes her happier overall.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 12:03 pm

I give in cuz I'm doubting my decisions. maybe I'm being too harsh not letting a 2.5 yr old have paci around the house. she used to want to do everything herself, dress and eat, now she cries when I expect her to put on panties herself. I tell her what I expect, make a compromise when I say she should start and I'll finish but she cries. I keep repeating my request and walk away and get busy with other things. she follows me around crying. I feel terrible.
it may be cuz she's hungry. thanks for pointing that out.

gp2.0

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 12:26 pm

amother wrote:

Hugs. 2.5 years can be a hard age to deal with. I've been there.

Every parent feels doubtful sometimes about their decisions, but don't doubt your decisions in front of her. (Unless you make a mistake, that's different than doubting your decisions.) Children know when their parents are in control or not and they prefer parents to be in control. The alternative is scary and unpredictable. Kids like things to be predictable. If you made a decision and later reevaluate and decide it was the wrong decision, next time do it differently.

There's no right or wrong answer to the paci question. Maybe the right decision for you is to let her have the paci in the house in the morning after she wakes up, but not give it to her in the afternoon/evening until she's in bed.

Yes all kids go through a brief stage of dressing themselves when they're 2 years old and then they drop it and don't pick it up again for another year, usually longer. I'd advise you to drop this one - no good will come of you insisting that she dress herself. She'll get there. Just know its normal and all kids do this brief stage where they dress themselves and then they stop doing it and want you to dress them again.

(Underpants are actually very complicated to put on. I'm surprised that your kid managed it at all.)

HonesttoGod

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 12:36 pm

Sounds like my kid - terrible twos.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 12:39 pm

thanks for all the responses. panties was first thing she ever put on herself. I taught her the right way and I usually prepare it flat so she sits and slips her feet in. now, it's a big deal. not sure why. she used to put on leggings herself, now she "cant". guess I'm afraid to encourage dependency and laziness. I see that 2.5 yrs (closer to 3) is young to teach these things.

chani8

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 12:42 pm

Before you read, let me warn you, I'm tired. Not judging you.at.all. You're doing fine!

Let her lead your parenting. You dont need rules such as the no paci. Why make rules like that?

When she's crying, be there for her with empathetic responses. Dont try to reason with her or make her compromise. Do give in, do help her...or dont help her if that is what she wants. Give her choices.

Talk less and be active. There is no need to repeat a request. Make less requests! If it's a reasonable request, be clear and cheerful about it. But if she doesn't do what you request, then help her do it or do it for her. "I'm doing this for you because I love you."

This is very normal behavior for a toddler. She's wanting to be babied. She wants mommy time and quality attention. Treat her like she's 1yo again until she's ready to move forward. Literally, hold her like a baby, rock her, coo and sing to her. Try doing this for 10 minutes in the morning (on the clock) and see if she calms down and acts better afterwards. You'll never regret babying your children, but you will regret making them grow up too fast.

If all this was due to hunger, then problem solved.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 12:53 pm

thanks CHani8. I think you may be right. I will baby her. she deserves it. just cuz she was miss independent till now doesn't mean she's ready for it long term. I sometimes forget my babies are just babies. Sad

what would I do without imamother?

this has been a struggle for a few weeks already and I had no idea what to do. now I have things to try and things to change in myself.
thanks all of you.

wiki

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 12:56 pm

My 2.5 was like this some mornings also last year. I found that a small treat (three chocolate chips or something) was a great motivator to get her all dressed and breakfasted and packed up for preschool.

Yes, it developed a habit we're still in that she "needs" an off-to-school treat. But she is now all smiles in the morning and very efficient at getting out the door. I'd be late for work if she didn't cooperate, so this is a very worthwhile arrangement for me.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 12:58 pm

thanks, wiki. I already do that. it stopped helping after a while but I didn't stop giving it cuz it's part going-off-to-school, like you said.

amother

Lavender

Fri, Sep 30 2016, 10:05 am

Are you very rushed and stressed in the morning? Sometimes young children feel that nervous rushed energy coming from their mom and it stresses them out too. It helped me to wake up an hour earlier and have a calmer slower more relaxed morning and everybody is happier for it. If it makes you feel better, my 4 year old does not dress himself on most days. I would also calm down about the paci situation. Maybe you can have her hand the paci to you before she gets on the van. She's only 2.5.

amother

Sienna

Fri, Sep 30 2016, 10:10 am

I still dress my 2.5 year old in the am and she's not potty trained yet and I don't consider her lazy, I consider her a little toddler who still needs help from mommy. I think she's crying because she needs a little more support from you. Also she could be hungry that was a good point.

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Sep 30 2016, 10:25 am

Sometimes its really not a big deal to just 'baby' your big kid, if its a rare occurance. try saying 'I know you can do this and you know you can do it, but I don't mind doing it for you today b/c I love you so much' worth a try... we all like extra tlc here and there, even doing things we can do - doesn't mean we cant or wont do it again...

amother

Apricot

Sun, Oct 02 2016, 5:25 am

I baby my toddler (she's 3.5) whenever she wants, and I just tell her - when you're bigger, you'll do x (get dressed, use the toilet, walk the whole way, climb into your chair, sleep in a big bed, etc) all by yourself! And sure enough, she just wakes up when day and says "now I'm bigger and I want to sleep in a big bed!". She was toilet trained in one day and said "Now I'm big like my cousins!". Now she always dresses and undresses herself and gets mad if we help. She tells us how big she is and how she can do thigns by herself. She just needed to feel emotionally ready, and once she was ready, she does things by herslf. Sometimes, if she is very tired or feeling down, she wants us to help, and we help her readily, and the next time she's back to doing it herself. We made it a non-issue to help her and showed her she can do it when she is ready.