Vent - Please use your brains in conversation!

ora_43

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 2:55 pm

I know what you mean, OP.

I think the problem is that it sometimes isn't thoughtlessness. People are prying. To some extent, they know they are prying. There are some questions nobody would bother to ask if they didn't suspect the answer would involve personal information.

Some people are thoughtless. And some people just feel an urge to pull on conversational loose threads without consciously realizing what they're doing. Which, FTR, I don't think is any kind of excuse, and I'm saying this as someone who's had plenty of foot in mouth moments herself.

But I'm guessing this bothered you because it felt more like an interrogation than plain thoughtlessness.

I may be projecting Wink

. I know a couple people who do the whole "I just happen to be curious specifically, only about the one thing you deliberately gave a vague answer about" and it's very annoying.

rainbow dash

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 5:18 pm

amother wrote:

Thread hijacking alert!

It wasn't strictly speaking on RH but a local motormouth, and I must beg forgiveness for my impatience and resentment because she clearly has a disorder that she can't control, namely having a mouth that runs on wheels and can't be stopped by anything short of flat out walking away, where was I? Oh, right, insensitive comments. So Ms. Motormouth tells me, "your dd put on some weight, didn't she?" I can't say I noticed, I try not to concern myself with anyone's weight other than my own, and the dd looks just fine whether she is a few lbs. more than she was a few years ago or not. I don't lknow and I'm not asking. But what, I ask, was the purpose or value of this comment? If I noticed, I noticed--she doesn't have to tell me. If I didn't notice, why tell me? DD is an adult who no longer lives with me, so even if I wanted to do something about her weight, which I don't, I couldn't.

But this woman as I said has a disorder. She has no filters on her mouth and feels she has to tell everyone evrything she noticed--and she notices everything. To her credit, she'll also notice and let you know if you slimmed down or are wearing a new dress, but really, why does she have to remark about everything? Why can't she just talk about Donald and Hillary like everyone else?

There is a word for that. Its called verbal diarrhea.

amother

Jade

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 5:35 pm

There's a reason why it's called "small talk": because it's not supposed to be "meaningful". It's rather difficult to get "meaningful" with a total stranger you've just met, especially at a social event with background noise, constant interruptions, and, often, consumption of foodstuffs, which is supposed to be done, for safety and etiquette's sake, with one's mouth SHUT.

And even if you could make "meaningful small talk"--an oxymoron if I ever heard one--why would you want to? It's a social occasion, for pity's sake, not philosophy class. You want "meaningful", go to a shiur.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Oct 06 2016, 7:45 pm

amother wrote:

Small talk may be the opposite of intellectual discourse but it does not mean you should turn off your brain. I both experienced and observed some really thoughtless chatter over yomtov that was just painful in its stupidity.

Such as, if someone says that due to medical reasons their young child who is standing right there is not allowed to eat bragberries, the appropriate response is not to go on and on about how great they are and ask how in the world you can be without them. The child might not know this yet, which is just as well because they might not have the emotional maturity to cope with that information. And even if it weren't a young child, this would still not be the brightest response.

Agreed.

amother wrote:

Such as, if you ask where someone's teenage son is davening and they say "he'll go where he feels comfortable" this might not be the best time to ask where specifically that is and why he didn't specify beforehand and what a shame because it would have been so nice to see him with the rest of the family.

WADR, I disagree. I appreciate when people mention that they miss one of my children, or wish they had an opportunity to see him or her. Otherwise, its "where's Moshe?" "He's not here." BLANK SPACE. Like, what. You don't like Moshe? Sure, there comes a point where its pretty clear that Moshe is at home with a ham and cheese sammie (not saying that's where your son was, of course), and you should stop way short of that. But saying how sorry you are not to have seen him isn't that point. And asking where people daven is pretty common.

amother wrote:

Such as, if you pop in in middle of a conversation that goes "You really need to come for a Shabbos, we haven't had you in ages" and continues "Yeah I know, we're not really into going out for Shabbos but we should totally get together one Sunday," it is REALLY not your place to nose in and say "What do you mean - you just went away the last three Shabboses in a row!"

I guess you need to come up with a better lie. Because even if I don't say it, if I invited someone, and they say "we don't go out" when I know darned well they do, I kinda figure they're really saying: (1) you're a lousy cook (2) I don't trust your kashrut, or (3) I don't like you well enough to come to you for a meal. So, maybe the person was wrong for what she said. Probably. I'll give it to you there. But, well, your excuse was also problematic. [The correct response is "we'll talk soon!" Because chances are, you won't.]

amother wrote:

Such as, for the sake of all that is good and holy, do not ever say anything about a person's body, eating habits, or reproductive status.

Agreed.

amother wrote:

Now, someone please say some things to restore my faith in humanity and make me want to socialize ever again.

Sorry, can't do.