Any way to financially separate while staying married?

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 1:32 am

I can't handle sharing finances with DH anymore. Yes we have other issues. Yes we're in therapy. Yes we have children.

He has a separate business bank account for some self-employed work he used to do and doesn't do anymore, but still uses that bank account. I have no reason to believe that his bookkeeping is responsible. He now has a job but I have no idea how much he's making because he set up direct deposit with his business account. He buys stuff for himself that would be normal for someone with a higher income than ours but I don't think we can afford it, and he disagrees. But I can't make heads or tails of what we can or can't afford because he won't cooperate. He must be using his business account for some of it because sometimes these charges come up on our shared credit card statement and sometimes they don't.

We were on medicaid and food stamps before he got his job and now I'm pretty sure we don't qualify anymore, but have no way of reporting the change since his payments direct deposit into an account that I don't have access to. But since it's a self employment account it counts as personal income so I can't say that because I don't see it it doesn't exist. I'm terrified that the government is going to come after me for receiving benefits while having that money which I didn't know I had. They'll count it as income even though it got spent on DH's stuff before I ever saw any of it.

My obamacare is up for renewal any day now and I haven't done it yet because I keep asking DH to give me some income verification so I know what to tell them, and he still hasn't so I don't know what to do.

It's just too stressful. How do I get out of this mess? Medicaid and food stamps will always consider us part of the same household as long as we live together. The rest, I wonder if there is some way around it. To separate out my money or somehow make sure that if he racks up debt it can be on him personally and not leave me with nothing (I work hard too. I make about the same or a little more than him. We don't seem a penny richer since he started working though - even less because not only does his money go straight to his "business" that doesn't exist, but because he also is spending more on his work wardrobe and food and things like that)

I want to clarify that I am sure he is not sleazy or shady. I think he is just sloppy, irresponsible, and clueless about the way money works. There's a chance I'm wrong but I am pretty sure. When I asked him where his paychecks are from his new job and he said it's going to his business account and I told him a job is not the same as a business, he was like "really? What?" He's just not street smart and between that and our other relationship issues I just can't handle dealing with that anymore.

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 2:24 am

Indigo plus. ..
Even if you don't legally separate you can still have a separate bank account that he doesn't have access to. File your taxes separate.
Food stamps and Medicaid, you fill out whatever you do know. Even if he has direct deposit, he should still get stubs and copies of his checks.
You can call the secretary of his job to get a letter stating his ss# and income for legal purposes. Businesses constantly give income letters to employees. Govt won't be on your back so soon. It takes a very long time of investigation and non-compliance before they actually arrest someone. You don't sound like you're making the kind of money that you should be worried about it so much so soon.

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 6:29 am

imasinger wrote:

If he is not shady, he should be showing you his bank statements every week or month, since it affects you. Together, in front of a qualified accountant.

If he refuses, I'd suggest consulting a lawyer and an accountant, ASAP.

A person who has never learned bookkeeping and the mechanics of how money comes and goes can have the same look as a shady personality in terms of money. He might simply have NO clue to what's flying.
OP needs to play it safe and get the paperwork in roundabout ways, but the situation isn't in imminent danger. Don't scare her to death like that. She may not have the money to pay these lawyers and accountants, and can get this straightened out quite simply. It takes years of investigation for govt agencies to lay their hands on a case, and they forewarn as well.

imasinger

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 6:46 am

A person who knows nothing about bookkeeping can still show his business bank statement to his wife regularly. If it's frequent enough, he'll remember what that check or withdrawal was for, most, at least some higher percentage of the time. These things are available online 24/7.

Refusing to do so is not good.

I was shaken by reading, on the thread about the couples that got arrested for fraud, that there was a big likelihood that the wives were innocent pawns.

Sorry to scare you, OP, but I think you need to insist on transparency.

It doesn't break the bank to get an accountant to advise a few times, and get a better system going.

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 8:18 am

I don't understand the entire situation. If you and dh both make similar amounts, are you saying that your deposit goes into a shared account to pay family bills while dhs deposit goes into his own "business" account for his own selfish wants???

Obviously your dh doesn't want you to see what he's making and spending!! He's hiding it from you and you definitely can be held accountable if you are filing for benefits that you are not eligible for!!

. why can't you put your deposit in a separate account that only you have access to and then demand that he pay the family bills from his business accounts??

. some details are missing here, but if he's acting irresponsibly, at least, you could save money by opening your own account so you would have money saved up if he's overspending.

Yes, you can have separate finances but they could still hold you accountable if you are married based on your dhs income!!otherwise, I can say "I'm married but dont want to count my dhs income so now I'm eligible for food stamps etc. " it doesn't work like that! But, for your sake, you might want to have a separate bank account like he has.

Hatzlacha

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 1:49 pm

I don't want to legally divorce or separate. We're married, we live together, and intend to stay married and keep living together.

If we file taxes separately and he messes up and gets in trouble, does that affect me? If we've filed jointly in the past do I need to do anything to make the change or just check off filing separately next year?

He says he never gets any stubs it just goes straight into his account. No reason to disbelieve. When I asked he did not seem to know what a pay stub is, I had to explain. He never had a real job before. I can't be the one to call the secretary at his job, why would they give out that information to me?

I really don't think he's intentionally hiding things from me. When I asked how much he makes, after a few days of reminding (it takes time with these things because our schedules are so hectic we hardly see each other anymore) he opened his bank website and showed me the last few deposit amounts. But for medicaid and food stamps I need to report the pre-tax amounts which I don't have. So I've been badgering him to ask for the stubs at work but so far it hasn't happened.

He also isn't selfish about the money he makes, he will transfer to the family account but because he is out of it and has let me take responsibility in the past (which I pretty much did because I am just better at this and was nervous to trust him) it only happens when I tell him to.

I would like to set up a budget in which he has his own account for his own spending but I just don't know what will happen if he overspends on a credit card and we're married do I have responsibility for that?

amother

Slategray

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 3:25 pm

I was that spouse who had no clue about finances. My ex dh was an accountant at one of the top 4 accounting firms. You can bet that I showed him all my income- as someone who knew nothing, I was happy to give that responsibility to someone more knowledgeable! I had direct deposit too, but my company provided us all with pay statements. So I'm not 100% buying this whole clueless thing, although I guess it's possible that he's just not responsible.
If you truly believe that this is innocent on his part, there's no reason that he can't get an income statement from his employer. You can just say, "Honey, we need to have an official statement for our tax filings. Please call your employer and ask them to provide one. If you want, I can sit with you while you make the call."

bluebird

Mon, Oct 10 2016, 12:01 pm

Pay stubs are a thing of the past for most businesses.

OP, we can't answer these questions for you. It's not possible to completely financially untangle yourself from a spouse. You need to see a lawyer and an accountant. You can tell your husband your family needs to get finances in order because of Medicare and taxes instead of directly accusing him.

Your husband is not treating you as an equal partner in this marriage and it needs to stop. Please see an accountant before you find your family in dire financial straits or with tax penalties.

sourstix

Mon, Oct 10 2016, 12:37 pm

Listen my dh is terrible when it comes to numbers. But he knows how much is in his account. He can't tell me always where the money is going, but I sure can figure it out on my own. Is your dh evasive in other areas as well? I.e. He sloppy in other ways, like being forgetful. And disorganized and can't manage in general? Not sure if this helps,

One thing is for sure you need to find a way to get to the finances. And yes the secretary can give you an income letter or else why is she being hired? Someone in his company is taking care of the books so there is someone that knows. Did you say he owns a company? If he has no idea then someone there does if no one does then don't hold to much promise that this company is gonna last long with this type of management.

One thing is for sure put your money in a different account and find a way to get this. And don't have cc in both yours and his. He's not responsible it will ruin your credit.