Is there something appropriate to bring to Avel?

amother

Amber

Sat, Oct 08 2016, 9:53 pm

Is there something appropriate to bring to Avel, besides food, to a 30's daughter who lost her mother?

What can I buy, not food, that will be remembered and appreciated and used long after?

Im not sure about her likes and dislikes, so I need something that many people like.

ariellabella

Sat, Oct 08 2016, 10:05 pm

I don't think it's actually allowed to give a gift to an avel at all.

cnc

Sat, Oct 08 2016, 10:06 pm

Aveilim are not permitted to receive gifts.

amother

Olive

Sat, Oct 08 2016, 10:22 pm

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d.....lSrch

amother

Amber

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 12:03 am

For how long cant I give a gift, and what can I get her, when I can give her something?

tigerwife

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 12:10 am

Do you have anything meaningful to give her, like a photo or letter from her mother?

amother

Amber

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 12:12 am

tigerwife wrote:

Do you have anything meaningful to give her, like a photo or letter from her mother?

No, just memories, and I'll write of them to her, but I want to give her something.

tigerwife

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 12:15 am

amother wrote:

No, just memories, and I'll write of them to her, but I want to give her something.

A beautiful notebook with nice memories written inside sounds like a good gift. I can't imagine anything else other than the gift of presence and a listening ear. You sound like a sensitive friend. Follow your instincts and her cues. Good luck.

queen esther

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 12:27 am

I am thirty and lost my father just over a year ago. I think writing up your memories of her mother, or lessons you may have learned from her, or any positive thing in connection to her mother would be a very priceless gift, now and even, or especially, later on. In terms of gifts, definitely ask your rav for detailed instructions as the hilchos aveilus can be very personal depending on circumstances (for example, I was allowed to go to a certain person's wedding because of that unique situation, even though that's normally assur, so it never hurts to ask.)
A meaningful book to help her through this hard time now could be the book The Neshama Should Have an Aliyah, probably could even give now because its to help through the aveilus, (but ask!) anyway I found that book not too heavy and very helpful. A beautifully bound leather tehillim? A tzedaka box that looks special to put by the candles, she could have in mind that the zechus of tzedaka should be for her mother...or another kind of gift that would be nice would be some kind of item that is just for her pleasure- like pretty accessory or inspiring artwork or I'm not sure what but something that she can enjoy because in such a sad time you need outer comforts to help you get through it. If she's the type, audio CD or MP3 that are not music, because no music for a year now.
I think anything you get her would say, "I care about you" and that would be helpful no matter what it is!

seeker

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 12:36 am

A heartfelt card is perfect and can be kept and treasured longer than most other gifts.

agreer

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 2:23 am

amother wrote:

For how long cant I give a gift, and what can I get her, when I can give her something?

One year after a parent

Ruchel

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 7:11 am

No gift, the person is mourning!
You can bring food discretely and help store it away

notshanarishona

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 8:41 am

Normally they have a basket for money. Generally there are a lot of costs when someone dies. Even if presumably at 30 she is not living at home, there may be younger siblings, etc.. who need a lot of help.
You can also bring food for the shiva house.

OOTBubby

Sun, Oct 09 2016, 10:43 am

notshanarishona wrote:

The basket for money in a bais avel is usually to be given to a designated tzedaka, not to the family.

Ruchel

Tue, Oct 11 2016, 10:54 am

notshanarishona wrote:

Normally they have a basket for money.

I have never seen or heard of that.