What do u call your mil & does it affect your relationship?

gibberish

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 11:18 am

cholenteater wrote:

I made the decision that I would call her mommy the moment we got engaged, otherwise I don't think it would have been an easy transition. When we called her to let her know it was official, I called her mommy on the phone. My mother is Ima, so I couldn't call my MIL Ima. Some of her children do, but some don't so it was fine. The day I called her Ma (instead of mommy) she cried. She was so happy that I felt comfortable enough, and has said to me often that she considers me her daughter.

Same here.

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:07 pm

We had this discussion when I got engaged. I asked my in laws what they wanted me to call them. They requested Mom and Dad. It took some getting used to but it helped that I call my parents different names so it didn't feel like I was replacing them.

I think it really helped cement my relationship and made me feel like part of the family right away. My MIL has always treated me like a daughter and we have a warm relationship.

yidisheh mama

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:22 pm

I call her shvigger. Some of my sis in laws don't call her anything; they just start talking or clear their throats, cough or something like that, because they think its awkward to call her shvigger, and they don't want to call her mom/my. I think its awkward that they call her by no name. In my opinion it sort of dehumanizes the person and sends the message that they don't deserve a name of their own.

workermom

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:25 pm

I find this such an interesting topic - I am in shock at how many people call their MIL by a first name! I would think of that as such a rude thing to do.

Personally, I call my MIL mom. We have been using that term since before my engagement was official. I found that jumping right in on it made it so much easier than to wait until I was married and didn't know how to start.
Just on the flip side... My DH has it interesting - my parents are divorced and my father remarried. We call my step-mom by her name so he has a MIL he calls be her first name and another MIL he calls mommy

anonymrs

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:55 pm

As a kallah, I was so brave and called my mil mommy, as dh calls her, even though it was hard for me. She laughed at me and dh's siblings made fun of me for many months afterward. Never called her anything since.

That was the beginning of a relationship gone south. I honestly tried very hard but she doesn't know how to treat people with respect so I just do what I'm obligated and treat her with respect and politeness but we are not particularly close. It makes me sad, I went in wanting to be the best dil and have a great relationship with her but I do need to make boundaries so that I don't get hurt. Sad

Last edited by anonymrs on Thu, Oct 20 2016, 1:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

Miri7

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:57 pm

I call my MiL by her first name which is what she wants. If I am talking about her to the kids when she is in the room, I will say "hand the fork to Savta".

This all seems very normal to me - all the dil and SIL on either side call their parents in law by first name. It's intimate but not like calling them mom or dad which I think is weird.

ETA: I am very close with my mil. We speak almost daily. But I think she and I both would feel strange if I called her mom.

Sadie

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 1:06 pm

I call my MIL Ima, but since I didn't grow up speaking Hebrew it's not a meaningful word for me. I call my own mom "Mom" and it would probably feel weird to me to call anyone else that. My ILs call each other Abba and Ima and don't use each others' first names.

My husband calls my parents by their first names.

Both my husband and I get along really well with each other's parents.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 5:47 am

workermom wrote:

I find this such an interesting topic - I am in shock at how many people call their MIL by a first name! I would think of that as such a rude thing to do.

Some in laws want that. My in laws want me to call them by their name. So its not rude if thats what they want to be called.

zaq

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 4:29 pm

amother wrote:

I call my mother, mom and my MIL, Ima.

She recently called when I was on the other line to my mother and she said, "It hurts me to hear you talk to your mother. I like to think that I am your mother, I don't like remembering that you have a different mother."

I was very disturbed by that comment. It's nice that you love me and all, but BH I have a mother whom I love very, very dearly- please don't wish her away for your own very selfish reasons.

Now I kind of wish I didn't call her Ima. Apparently it's too real for her.

Bizarre.
A mil should ttreat her dil as a daughter but. not lose sight of the fact that this "daughter " has a perfectly good mother of her own. Just curious, does your mil have any daughters by birth? If she has only sons I can see where she might be fantasizing that you are the daughter she never had. Understandable but not quite healthy.

amother

Lemon

Sat, Oct 22 2016, 1:59 pm

zaq wrote:

She only has sons, which is why she is so thrilled about finally having a "daughter" - she constantly crosses boundaries, overshares information, and overall says and does inappropriate things. It is very challenging for me.

amother

Lemon

Sat, Oct 22 2016, 2:01 pm

essie14 wrote:

Excuuuuuse me? Your MIL "likes to think she is your mother"???
It hurts her that you have an actual mother????

If my MIL would say that to me, I think I might never speak to her again! That is immensely hurtful!

I hope your mother lives to 120, but after she is gone your MIL will still never be your mother!

Wow, I'm really sorry she said that to you.

Thanks for the validation. That is exactly how I felt.

kaylee.1

Sat, Oct 22 2016, 3:52 pm

My husband and I just argued about this over shabbos!
We have been married for over a year and his parents want me to call them by their first names (which is weird for me as I find it disrespectful - but it's what they want so it's what I do). But my parents have never *asked* him to call them by Mommy and Abba, it has just been implied...
When we got engaged my husband said he wasn't comfortable with calling them that and I said that's fine he should speak to them and tell them (they are super reasonable) but he never did, only spoke to my BIL who told him that he would get used to it and he just shouldn't call them anything until he does.
Now a year later he is still not used to it and wants me to talk to my parents and tell them that he doesn't want to call them Mommy and Abba.
I feel like he is being unreasonable, 1. If he has a problem he should talk to them and 2. It's been over a year!
I'm just wondering how my parents will feel to have this conversation now...

Tablepoetry

Sat, Oct 22 2016, 6:05 pm

kaylee.1 wrote:

Is it just me? I find the term 'mommy' to be a very childish term of endearment, something cute for kids under 12 to call their moms. I can see it being used by adult children if they are very close to their moms, and very affectionate.
It seems to me to be extremely weird to expect a grown man to call his MIL 'mommy'. Just weird all-round.

dancingqueen

Sat, Oct 22 2016, 7:50 pm

kaylee.1 wrote:

You're still early on. I think it's ok for you to ask your parents if they're ok with an alternative moniker from your dh. Better now than him to avoid calling them anything for years as you can see from the above stories.

Those commenting on how different names for ILs are weird - clearly much of this is cultural.

MitzadSheini

Sat, Oct 22 2016, 8:03 pm

Tablepoetry wrote:

No, not just you, me too 100%. Except I accept that other people think differently and that's ok too. But for ME, as a DIL, and in the future IYH as a MIL, it's totally weird.

Having thought about that, in a way I think the best thing to call inlaws is "Mil and Fil!".