Mother in law -Daughter in law

amother

Lavender

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 11:41 pm

amother wrote:

It depends on the mil. I always wanted a good relationship with my mil but when I was engaged before I was even married my mil told me m any times that I never will be her daughter and I shouldn't even try to be. She didn't even give me a chance to get close to her. And she does treat her own daughter better and her daughter always comes first. so I don't even bother having. A close relationship with her. I feel bad for her because she is losing out not having a close relationship with her grandchildren but it was her choice.

This is so sad. Why would she tell you something like this? Did she approve of your relationship at all?

amother

Sienna

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:04 am

I was always polite to my mil. When I said hello to her, she looked past me. She only said hello to my dh. I was a non-entity and there was nothing I could do. At some point I stopped visiting her and let my dh go without me or my kids from my previous marriage. She wasn't interested in them at all.

I do believe in what goes around comes around. My sil broke off her son's engagement Broken Heart

bc the girl came from a poor family. They are MO and dated over a year. I don't think their son will be getting married any time soon. (Not that I would wish this on my worst enemy.)

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:40 am

BH" I'm very lucky to have a great MIL.

I think these are some of the factors:

My MIL doesn't give advice.
She doesn't criticize, period; not me or the kids.
She doesn't hint that something I'm doing bothers or annoys her, or leave me wondering if there was a hidden criticism.
She doesn't hint that she wants something, or wants me to do something. Either she asks, or she doesn't.
She is not manipulative. She doesn't complain, guilt, imply, etc.
She compliments.
I very rarely ask her for help with babysitting, but whenever I ask, she (almost) never says no.

In short, she treats us with respect.

I guess one can argue that maybe my MIL likes the way dh and I discipline, and sees eye to eye with us on many things.

I know she has angered one of my sisters in law by interfering with their discipline because she feels that they don't know how to handle situations that come up with their kids (and they have a very different method than dh and I).

So what would I do in that case? I don't know.

heidi

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:58 am

amother wrote:

From the time that your child is born, it's every woman's fantasy to have a daughter-in-law who will be perfect in every way. Every mil wants a dil from a rich family with a prestigious job. No mil wants a dil who is poor and divorced with kids. I am not bashing my mil but I don't exactly blame her either. I do wish she wasn't so vocal about it, though.

I have several sons, a few of whom I hope will decide to start dating within the next few years.
I hate my MIL and she hates me right back. I can go on and on about why and whose fault it is, but this thread is specifically not for that.
What I can say is that ever since my oldest hit the age of 20 I have been actively learning from friends and relatives how to IY"H be a good MIL someday.
I do believe as one poster stated, that it is intrinsically a difficult relationship, but I think working on my middot now-- learning to keep my mouth shut when something bothers me- will serve me well as a friend and co worker and parent and I hope eventually as a mil. I hope that learning not to foist my opinions or offers of help too strongly will serve me well in all areas of my life.
In short, I hope that working on myself to become a better person will help me someday be a better mil.
I couldn't agree less with the quoted statement. I want dil's iy"H who will fit my sons' personalities. Who will love them and make them feel loved and who they will love in return. Someone who shares the same goals and aspirations as my sons. Rich isn't even a consideration. And while I have to admit that I think a girl who hasn't been previously married comes with less baggage, if Ms. Perfect for MY Son happens to be divorced with kids I will be grateful that she has become the person who fits the bill, whatever she has been through before.

MagentaYenta

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 1:35 am

amother wrote:

No I don't feel that way at all. I trusted my sons to chose someone they found compatible with and loved. I raised them to go beyond the superficials of money and status. I'm not disappointed in their choices.

FYIW I treat my adult children and their spouses as adults. I offer zero opinions on child raising even when asked. They're all emotionally healthy and good communicators. My DILs were accomplished women in their own lives before they married. They continue to be exceptional women even while juggling demanding professions and children. My sons have proved to be sensitive and supportive parents who actively parent their children.

amother

Olive

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 1:54 am

amother wrote:

My mother in law is a very nice person and never does anything mean or wrong. She is not critical, bossy, difficult or anything. All she does is compliment me and say nice things about me.

Unfortunately I can't stand her because she has mental illness and it makes it very difficult to deal with. She is not clean, she is always a wreck- her clothing are backwards or unzipped or slip is falling down etc. She is socially off and has weird mannerisms. She tells me 20 times a day how wonderful I am and it gets really annoying even though I know it stems from the illness and she can't help her social graces.

I feel even worse for disliking her because she is so nice and she can't help how terribly annoying and unkempt she is....

I could have written this post almost word for word. My late MIL z"l was a very nice woman, everyone liked her, but her mental issues made her hard to deal with- the worst being that if you asked her a simple question, she would spend an hour answering because she would jump from subject to subject to subject. I feel bad saying this, but I think we got along so well because I learned to keep a very superficial relationship with her, never really talked to her about anything of substance because I couldn't take listening to her ramble on and on every single time. She couldn't control it, didn't even know she was doing it. It drove my DH crazy too, he tried to talk to her about it but nothing could be done. She also had very bad hygiene due to her mental problems. DH tried with that too, but she just didn't care. FIL gave up on her years ago.

Having said that, she was genuinely a nice person who wouldn't hurt a fly. She really liked me and never once criticized me or the kids. Never. I appreciated that, and I hope to do the same if I ever have kids in law.

amother

Puce

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 3:16 am

I don't like my MIL, but we're always civil to each other and make sure to keep the peace. I used to think she was great, but she's let me down too many times for me to feel that way anymore. When I was expecting my first and we asked her not to tell anyone, she immediately told all of DH's siblings. That was probably the first straw in our complex relationship. Since then, there have many more incidents which made me realize that this woman has her own mental issues. I had heard it from others before, but it took time to see it myself. She's also extremely controlling and has no problem pushing DH around when she's here. She even yelled at him once in front of our teenage children that he has to get his life together (because he told her that the night before we made a simcha, he was so busy that he was up until 3 a.m.).

And I'm no angel either. I have difficulty treating people with respect if I think they're not intelligent, not straight, or whatever. I know it's my issue and it's something I'm working on.

MIL and I are also both very proud people who have a hard time admitting that we don't know something or that we're wrong. This can cause some clashes.

So I guess it's really a combination of both of our shortcomings that makes it hard for us to have a relationship.

Culturedpearls

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 5:08 am

kelsorino wrote:

I love hearing people who have great relationships with their inlaws its something I always wanted and am striving for.
Those of you who have great relationships with your in laws can you describe it? Do they criticize you and you just don't get insulted by it? Do you live near by or far away? Do they rely on you for anything or vs vs? How often do you see each other/talk to each other?

In general I do not push my opinions on people. I do not need anyone to agree with me. We can agree to disagree.
This applies to my DIL's as well. Do I like the way they parent, discipline, keep their home, cook? I don't think about it. It's their children & home. I cannot live their lives, only my own.
Also I do not define my self worth by my children's accomplishments. I'm proud of them all for who they are.
I will babysit if I'm home but only in my house. I will send food & stock up their freezers post partum.
I'm generous when I can be with birthday presents .
If I'm asked advise (medical or child related) I'll give it & do not enquire if they took it on board . They can decide what's right for them.
I must say that there are things I feel about strongly as do my sons. Those things were checked at shidduch stage.

amother

Coffee

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 8:34 am

I am not yet a MIL. A good friend of mine who is recently shared with me that all of the things she praised in her daughter's marriage, she was criticizing in her son's marriage.... for example, she was saying how wonderful her SIL was that he would often pick up take-out on the way home from work so her pregnant daughter who is already taking care of a toddler and baby all day doesn't have to work herself into a shmatta. But if her son picked up take-out on his way home, she'd catch herself thinking how awful that he worked so hard all day and now he has to do this chore too instead of having a hot homemade meal waiting on the table for him. I think it's an easy trap to fall into when you just want the best for all your kids.

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 9:41 am

amother wrote:

Thank you for replying!

It's really really hard for me to deal with. The worst part is feeling like a horrible person for being so grossed out and un charitable to a good person who can't control her problems.

I know I am lucky that my mother in law is nice and is never mean to me like some of the other mother in laws written about but sometimes it's just too much.

amother

Red

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 2:02 pm

My mil is a wonderful person. Really nice. She totally loves my kids. She has accepted me completely as I am. And I enjoyed hearing her pre-marriage tips to dh. Ye she sure is backing me there.
We moved to her city after we had a couple of kids. We live in walking distance now. Diplomacy and tact are not the strong side in dhs family. It is in my family. The cousens who live in the city get more attention etc. But its another son not daughter. And my dh has more complicated working hours. My mil will question things sometimes, compare kids to their cousens at times and other such frustrating things. She asks things of us and we help as much as we can. When we first moved it was hard establishing healthy boundaries how much can be asked of dh/us and when. We first had to work this out between us. Well first dh had to recognize that there was an issue here...
What helped me get passed the comments and comparisons and differences is the years it took me to get married where I observed my married friends relationships with their mil. Sometimes it was so obvious from the outside that they were being super sensitive. Or comparing to their own mother's. Where even I could recognize that every family is different and has their own language of love and showing it. Sometimes they would tell me about an expression of care and love from the mil but were so flippant they didn't even realized how biased they were! I decided I would be different.
When we moved to mils city that was much harder said than done. As I mentioned above. But with the boundaries was easier. And I recognized just how much we mean to her and how much she loves my kids. I know I am also probably at times biased and super sensitive. Though sometimes I am validated that the people we are with are surprised at her comments... But I hang on to recognizing her language of love and giving though vastly different to mine . and she really does. She asks because tact isn't her thing and has absolutely no problem that I do things differently. At least she never ever made me feel that way. I like hanging out with her. And she loves hearing any story about my kids. Who else would?
I'm rambling
Thanks for the vent. Especially during the chagim

amother

White

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 2:56 pm

To get back to the original question: I think the relationship is fraught because it brings two women of different ages and possibly different personalities into a close relationship with no build-up. One day you're nothing to each other and the next day you're family. It can take years to understand the culture and dynamics of another family. To step into this with no preparation is hard work. Even kind people who want the best are likely to rub each other the wrong way when they are forced into close proximity.

If either woman is difficult (or worse, if both are!) you have a situation on your hands.

As someone on both sides of the equation, all I can say is respect each other, recognize that your in-law is a universe to herself, and let the relationship unfold naturally.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 6:10 pm

I don't think my mil expected my dh to get married, so I'm pretty sure she likes me. I always call her Fridays..and always let her know what is going on with the kids, which she appreciates. SHe likes that the kids are put together clothes wise ( I do not dress my kids fancy at all). She doesn't meddle at all and let's me know what goes on in the extended family bc dh never tells me anything.

cbsp

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 10:46 pm

amother wrote:

She was very happy with relationship but she really thinks that her kids are better and she doesn't realize that what you Put into a relationship is what you Get out of it.

Also I have no name to call her so I never picked up phone to call her.

Totally sympathize. I spent several years of awkward conversation without directly calling my MIL by any moniker. We were in different countries so most conversations were via phone, email.
"Hi, it's so-and-so, how has the week been going..." - you just sort of fall into the habit of dropping any name references.

My "problem" became more obvious when she moved back to where we lived (and we didn't have kids yet). Our Rov advised to just take the plunge and just start calling her a variation of "mommy" (yes, for those who question it, there are halachos regarding first names with in laws just as there are halachos about first names with parents. YMMV but at least find out what the parameters are) and the awkwardness will pass. The more you obsess over it (and boy did I!) the more it becomes a "thing"

It did eventually pass. I now do call her "Bubby" around the kids and "mommy" when it's just the adults (just like I refer to my husband as Totty when the kids are around and by his given name other times).

I'll just add that I (think I) have a good relationship with my MIL (better than with my own mother!!) - and it was still very difficult.

Culturedpearls

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 11:07 pm

cbsp wrote:

Why didn't you ask her what she'd like to be called?
All my DIL's did.
And that's what I'm called. I did not ask for "mom" they've got one already B"H

cbsp

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 11:16 pm

Culturedpearls wrote:

Why didn't you ask her what she'd like to be called?
All my DIL's did.
And that's what I'm called. I did not ask for "mom" they've got one already B"H

The other in-laws called her a variation of mommy (different than what they called their respective mothers). Added to that the halachic component...

Having written that, she was just so overjoyed that her son was finally married that had I asked her she probably would have said "whatever makes you comfortable" even though that may not have been her preference.

I didn't ask because (despite my advanced age Wink

) the whole topic was a Big Deal - and what would I have done if she did say she wants to be called "mommy"? Then when it didn't happen it would have been so much more obvious (or so thought ostrich me)

spring13

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 11:49 pm

amother wrote:

My MIL doesn't give advice.
She doesn't criticize, period; not me or the kids.
She doesn't hint that something I'm doing bothers or annoys her, or leave me wondering if there was a hidden criticism.
She doesn't hint that she wants something, or wants me to do something. Either she asks, or she doesn't.
She is not manipulative. She doesn't complain, guilt, imply, etc.
She compliments.

Sigh. Part of my problem with my MIL's personality is that she tends to be super passive aggressive, and finds incredibly irritating ways of criticizing me, she sticks her nose into DH and my decisions, gives unhelpful and unasked for advice, hints about things and then complains when they don't get done to her liking, complains and guilts up the wazoo about everything in life. And when she compliments, it feels super fake and meaningless - while expecting everyone to compliment her effusively in public over every little thing.

She has good qualities (she must...) and can be helpful to us, but it's impossible for me to feel close to her, and enough bad things have gone down that I have a really hard time trying to appease her just for the sake of peace. I can't easily fake like that, and she's all about fake.

Sigh. I like this list of qualities in a good MIL though, I'll have to remember it all when my time comes.