How do you word your request for help from your children?

Liebs

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:16 pm

I'm wondering if your children help nicely because you say please and thank you!
I don't think please makes it a command or not...it's like saying please pass the salt. You say please because that is the nice way to ask someone anything! If my child says I don't want to I say, "that wasn't a choice, I need your help and I expect them to be done in x amnt of minutes."

Miri7

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 1:32 pm

DH and I used to have the same disagreement. But my kids know that when I ask them to "please take out the trash" it is a command to take out the trash. I also say "thank you" too often for my DH's taste. So be it.

I model politeness and respect for my kids. (Respect, not deference. They defer to me but I don't lord it over them at every opportunity.) This is how civilized people behave.

I also have taught them to voice appreciation for others, even for small things. This is also a good habit to develop. Friends often comment on how frequently my children say a quick "thanks" to me, even for small things. For brining a snack, reminding them of something, remembering to bring a jacket. This is because that's how they have heard me speak.

I also think that they are quicker to do helpful things without being asked because they know on some level that I will notice and show appreciation. I think this habit will serve them in life and in their marriages.

Finally, now that our kids are older DH sees the good habits they have developed and has come around to my way of thinking.

sweetpotato

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 1:44 pm

SRS wrote:

Can't speak for her, but I haven't found that parents with more compliant children are necessarily better parents. I would not point out such a thing, however, because that is odd. But if a parent has a kid that complies, they are very fortunate and are experiencing some mazal.

Huh? Raising children to be helpful, respectful and have good middos is a part of chinuch and parenting. It's not totally up to luck if a kid ends up that way. I realize that some people may be very good parents but still have difficult children, and some children may have personalities that are more naturally helpful, respectful and compliant, but a lot of kids fall into the middle and only behave that way with a combination of education and being raised to be that way.

MyUsername

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 2:13 pm

It's so important to say please and thank you to your children, that's how they learn to do it and it shows that you respect them as people and their feelings.

Furthermore, if we don't say please (even to others), my daughter sometimes corrects us, or sometimes if we do say please she 'praises' us for talking politely. She's 3 years old. But that is exactly the point - we teach her that it is important to show people you respect them by saying please and thank you and we always praise her when she speaks that way to us or others politely the first time with no prompting. Children do as you do, not as you say. The best way to get them to be polite people is to be polite yourself. Otherwise, when they are older,they will call you out as hypocrites. Also, when I speak to my family politely and nicely, they are much more likely to do what I've requested and not fuss about it - a win-win for me and them.

Fox

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 2:55 pm

Sometimes I think these parenting and chinuch courses do more harm than good. They take an essentially correct idea and reduce it to a level of absurdity.

There's a value to being direct and concise when dealing with toddlers, but average kids are quite capable of understanding that you are not really being offered a choice when your mom says, "Clementine, my pet, would you be a love and serve the brisket?"

Perhaps it's because English lacks an elaborate vocabulary or syntax for denoting respect, such as many Asian languages have, but whether something is optional is dependent on the relationship, not the language.

MitzadSheini

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 6:53 pm

Everyone is different, I guess. I'm surprised, and I'll admit, a little jealous of the number of people who have success with wording requests as "polite commands". I am FAR more likely to get compliance with what I want if the child feels like they have some sort of choice or, even better, came up with the idea to do the desired action on their own. Remembering to ask this way is not always easy though.

Re: The comment from ammother lavender upthread- I think the corollary of that statement is true I.e. there are plenty of very good parents who do not have such great kids. I have also heard that difficult kids often lead to.parents feeling powerless and then making bad parenting choices, which can look like the bad parenting is causing the problem when it is really the other way round. But op, I think it would be very uncommon to have great kids if you were not being a good parent. Therefore you probably are!

BabsB

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:16 pm

I always ask politely even though I actually agree with OPs husband. It's just a habit I can't kick. Smile

Although on more than one occasion it has been followed with "I only asked you to be polite. You still have to do what I asked."

SRS

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 11:22 pm

sweetpotato wrote:

I wrote "and experiencing some mazal." In other words there is nature and nurture. We should do out part as we must do as parents. But my experience with my own children and with other children is that nurture is important, but there is an element of nature that is often underestimated. Like you said above, children have many natural qualities. Being naturally helpful or compliant is great. There are also kids that have a very different nature and their less-than-great middos might be the result of a tremendous amount of work on their parents' part.

Fox

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 2:36 am

SRS wrote:

ITA 100 percent.

As parents, we're required to do as much as possible to teach, train, and guide our children. But just as hard work isn't a guarantee for adequate parnossah, good parenting doesn't always deliver the results we think it should.

Most of us need to take a little less credit for our children's positive qualities and be a little slower to blame other parents for their kids' shortcomings.

amother

Lavender

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 2:48 am

Fox wrote:

Most of us need to take a little less credit for our children's positive qualities and be a little slower to blame other parents for their kids' shortcomings.

ITA that's what I meant before. But Foxes English is better than mine.