Was shaving discussed during shidichum

amother

Brunette

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 1:21 pm

The reason I am asking is because I recently suggested a shidich to a chassidish girl and it blew up after the girl told the boy that she will not shave and the boy's mother stooped the shidich

amother

Smokey

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 1:40 pm

tf wrote:

If she is chassidish, and doesn't want to shave, there might be more to this. Most chassidish women shave, this may be a red flag for more off-derech type of stuff. JMHO

Not shaving is a red flag for going off the derech?? Lol.

amother

Crimson

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 2:00 pm

It was not discussed by me and there was reason to doubt I would shave. when my MIL gave my dh a jewelry piece she bought me for morning after wedding, she said he should say it's an upsherin present. When Dh asked her but what if she doesn't shave? she said, so then it's a wedding present. I started out my marriage shaving. 8 years in and we made a consensual decision that I should no longer shave.
Stopping a shidduch due to shaving is Imho a ridiculous thing because it's not something that's public and it's not something that either side (chooson or kalla) know how they will feel about it in a few months/years.

amother

Papaya

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 2:15 pm

amother wrote:

It's not necessarily a ridiculous thing to stop a shidduch for. In my immediate family shaving is a tnai (condition ) for a shidduch. It's a very very strong minhag that we took upon ourselves for specific reasons. If someone wants to step shaving later on and their husband is on the same page that's a different story.

supermamma

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 2:57 pm

It's great that they stopped the shudduch and the girl is amazing for not being intimidated in stating her wishes. The last thing either party needs are sholom bayis problems because someone wasn't honest. I'm sure there are plenty of boys for her that are on the same page

asmileaday

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 3:19 pm

Was never discussed because it was a given that I'll shave.
It's not totally unreasonable to have stopped a shidduch because of this unless the son is a different type than the parents and they do not want to realize that.
Otherwise it might be an indicator that they are not on the same page hashkafically.

amother

Papaya

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 3:31 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

I don't think it's generally discussed by shidduchim, I think by the chassidish it's just assumed that they shave.

True. By me it was discussed because my family is not so chassidish so looking at the women you wouldn't necessarily assume that We shave.

amother

Lavender

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 3:40 pm

More and more couples are deciding, a few years into their marriage, that the woman will stop shaving. Most Chassidish women shave, but stopping to shave is becoming increasingly popular. So there is really no guarantee for these parents that the potential wife will shave, or that her pwn daughter will shave.
And please, none of us are OTD. We're all nice and frum.

amother

Cobalt

Fri, Oct 21 2016, 4:54 pm

Well I will go anonymous because of the nature of the subject. But I don't come from a shaving type of family though very chasidish. Let me tell you there are plenty of chasidish people that don't shave. Slonim, ger, and a who,e lot more. My parents are viznitz and mother doesn't shave. So I was not going to but I agreed on my first marriage. It was discussed because my mother doesn't. Now I still do I do think it's has a nice hashkafa to it. I did try in the past to grow it I never but was too difficult. Anyway that's not my future plan. Dh doesn't care if I do or don't. I do think for some chasidish people it's a deal breaker so it's good that the girl was honest. No it does not mean she is otd. Lol. She probably doesn't like that idea. And if she doesn't come from there then why should she. I did because I was a little naive. I didn't lose out on this factor. I lost because I was married to a crazy person, so shaving or not this is not the issue.

Could also be she is not that type of chasidish. There are different types out there.

amother

Seagreen

Sat, Oct 22 2016, 5:08 pm

After my engagement my mom spoke to mechatenste (she was aunt of chosson. He grew up there) and she asked my mom which hair cover I will wear. My mom goes with a plain longish sheitel so she told her just a sheitel. Not covered. And then she said but she will for sure shave. So my mom said no. We don't shave. That was after the engagement party.
She was upset but accepted it cos she knew the chosson is a bit more open-minded.

A few years later and lots of therapy ex hub told of the marriage counselors that he wants me to shave. He became more and more modern. Trimmed his beard. Wore tshirts etc... but for heaven's sake wanted me to shave. And I was so stupid and just wanted to be the goody goody so I shaved. Cried for days

As soon as we got separated I grew my hair back and my amazing new dh doesn't mind at all. He's very chasidish and frum, full garb but in his family nobody shaves.

Maya

Sat, Oct 22 2016, 7:35 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

I don't think it's generally discussed by shidduchim, I think by the chassidish it's just assumed that they shave.

This. It's assumed the prospective kallah will shave, and it's only mentioned if the girl does not want to, as in the OP's case.

For hardcore Chassidism people, not wanting to shave is definitely a red flag and not a ridiculous reason to end a shidduch. It's almost like saying the prospective kallah won't be covering her hair, or something similar.

amother

Copper

Sat, Oct 22 2016, 8:46 pm

amother wrote:

You can't guarantee anything in life, that doesn't mean that they shouldn't look for someone with similar hashkofos. People can get physically sick after they get married, should a healthy boy get married to a sick girl because nothing is guaranteed? (I'm not comparing the two, just making a point)

I'm chassidish and if my husband would ask me to stop shaving I would stop because I know that there is nothing wrong with not shaving, but if I want to shave I wouldn't get engaged to someone who doesn't want me to.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Oct 23 2016, 9:43 am

In my opinion, it should be discussed , but not by the parents but by the boy and the girl, and the girl should have a choice if she wants to shave or not, you can't assume that just because the mother shaves that the girl is OK with it as well, too many times the girl dosent want to shave but is too shy or ashamed to tell the mother.