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Mother in law -Daughter in law
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amother
Purple


 

Post Fri, Oct 21 2016, 12:06 am
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kelsorino




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 21 2016, 1:45 pm
amother wrote:
There can be many reasons.

1) Some DILs need extra "warmth, caring etc."(hard to put this in words) to be able to feel comfortable and accepted etc. into the new (in law ) family, thus, the dil may be very sensitive and may expect the mil to be extra welcoming etc. in order to "feel part of the family" but not every mil knows how to make a complete stranger who may be opposite from her, really feel loved and a part of the family. It is a big change for both dil and mil, and change can put pressure/stress on...

2) Some mils have a hard time "letting go" such that the mil really is a threat and still expects the dh to always turn to her for advice and talking such that the mil really undermines the relationship and the dil feels like the marriage is between the dh and the mil instead of just between the dh and the dil.

3) Some people may be "nice" and "warm" in general, but may have a hard time "opening up her heart to really love/care for another person who may differ from everything she believes in". I never thought about this until I met my MIL. If I give her the benefit of the doubt, I really think she is not capable of opening her heart to really care for me. She has her favorites from her children, loves her daughters best, and she has never cared what I say such that when I explain how I feel, she gives me no sympathy, empathy etc... Unless she is selfish, maybe she is, I have to say that she is not capable of loving a girl who disagress with everything she believes in....that is not her daughter. Her heart is "closed".

4) Some mils are not interested in establishing a real relationship with their dil. All they are interested in is to have relationship with the grandchildren. Well, this may cause a dil to feel unloved and feel that she is not important, only her kids!!


This was so insightful and directly on target!!! I think it might be all of these in my specific case!
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kelsorino




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 21 2016, 2:01 pm
Ladies, Thank you all SO much for your responses. I love hearing this from both sides, both Daughter in laws and Mother in Laws. So many of you had excellent points.

I have noticed that the underlying theme that creates a healthy relationship between in laws if the criticism. All of you mother in laws that say you have a great relationship, state that you mind your own business and just accept and the vs vs with daughter in laws!

As one poster mentioned she is working on these traits now in order to be a great mother in law one day and that is exactly why I started this post!

I consider myself a sweet, easy going and fun person and for the life of me could not figure out why my in-laws always had such a problem with me! I officially decided to let it go. Don't force a relationship that is not mutual but I would like to start working on developing the traits to make me a great mother in law one day iy"h!

One thing that I think is so important as one poster mentioned is that she does not base her success as a parent on how successful her children are. Maybe some mother spend so many years trying to "fix" their children that after x amount of years it just becomes intrinsic and they just extend it to the dil's.

Another poster mentioned that her friend notices the hypocrisy she had toward her s.I.l vs the son example was picking up food on the way home. We all just want whats best for our children so that is an easy trap to fall into but that is great that she is able to recognize that with herself!

I would love to one day have a close relationship with my d.I.ls where they can call me for advice, come for shabbas, ask me to babysit, have shabbas meals together etc. It bothers me so much that I cant have this with my in laws but at least I can iy"h have with my dil's one day!

I have really learned so much from this thread, keep em coming!!!
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Fri, Oct 21 2016, 2:12 pm
amother wrote:
I am not yet a MIL. A good friend of mine who is recently shared with me that all of the things she praised in her daughter's marriage, she was criticizing in her son's marriage.... for example, she was saying how wonderful her SIL was that he would often pick up take-out on the way home from work so her pregnant daughter who is already taking care of a toddler and baby all day doesn't have to work herself into a shmatta. But if her son picked up take-out on his way home, she'd catch herself thinking how awful that he worked so hard all day and now he has to do this chore too instead of having a hot homemade meal waiting on the table for him. I think it's an easy trap to fall into when you just want the best for all your kids.

this.
My mil is overprotective of her children whether daughters or sons so if her daughters are working to support their husbands in kollel, they are the greatest and her SILs are good-for-nothings. By default, all of her sons are working because the DILs don't get the same coddling from her. In fact, when her son helps around the house or with the kids, he's proving to her how her DIL isn't as great as her overworking, wearing-the-pants daughter who she wishes wouldn't have to work so hard.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 21 2016, 5:45 pm
The reason is that a mil spent somewhere between 18 and 30+ years bringing up her son. Think sleepless nights, getting called to the principal's office, calling neighbors to find out where he is when he should have been home, wiping his snotty nose, shortening or letting out his pants, paying for his education and orthodontia, slathering him with sunblock, taking him for allergy shots, ...and then just when he's finally a mensch, along comes a sweet (or not) young thing, sweeps him off his proverbial feet, and thinks she owns him! Not only that, but the Bible backs her up! No wonder there's friction.

If a dil is smart, she will be a major diplomat and express frequent appreciation to her mil for creating the paragon who married her. AND she will not stand on her status as honored wife but encourage her dh from time to time to cater to his mother's preferences rather than his wife's. Not all the time, you understand, just once in a blue moon. Is it so awful if dh takes his widowed mom--sans wife--on a vacation trip for a once-in-a-lifetime major bday, or buys her a major piece of jewelry? The woman did give him life, after all. And one day she'll be gone and he'll be ALL yours.
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byisrael




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 22 2016, 3:01 pm
amother wrote:
I HATE my Momnlaw! Shew! I said it.
She says whatever she likes and has complaints just about everything.
My other Sil disconnects an barely visits. I chose to not break ties. But it is murderous. After each visit I swear I will not come back. Poor husband! I bash his mom so badly. Ugggh. I hate that woman.
How can I stop myself? Whom else but dh shud I complain about her to. Not the type to bad mouth her to sisters or my mom.


How about complaining to your friends? It's unfair to put him in a position like that IMHO...
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amother
Navy


 

Post Sat, Oct 22 2016, 3:50 pm
I get along pretty well with my MIL. Before we had kids his family used to drive me a bit crazy with certain behaviors and ways they did things. But now that I have kids I see how much effort they put into the grandkids. Cooking and cleaning and having them over for shabosses, picking them up, taking them on sick days and vacations so parents can get some work done...
I'm not always crazy about how they interact with the kids, but they raised my husband and he came out OK, and you just can't argue with the amazing commitment they have to their kids and grandkids.

Actions like that speak louder than any mildly irritating criticism. I am very lucky, and I hope I can put half the effort they put into my grandkids.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 22 2016, 7:16 pm
octopus wrote:
Well let's see... my neighbor or coworker isn't coming into my home and giving me parenting advice, cleaning advice, and even dieting advice. This stranger has become a parent overnight. I know you are not supposed to "talk back" to parents, but blood is thicker than water, and you know your real parents will always love you (in a normal relationship). Not so much in the in-law relationship. That can go sour at high speed rates if you say what you really think.


Even though I answered this in response to the op, I was answering her general question as to why mil/dil 's often don't get along. I have a good relationship with my mil. She does things quite differently than I do, but I keep quiet. My goal in my relationship is not to be best friends. It is to respect her. So even if I disagree, I try to remain respectful and I always want her to feel comfortable in my home.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 22 2016, 7:24 pm
zaq wrote:
The reason is that a mil spent somewhere between 18 and 30+ years bringing up her son. Think sleepless nights, getting called to the principal's office, calling neighbors to find out where he is when he should have been home, wiping his snotty nose, shortening or letting out his pants, paying for his education and orthodontia, slathering him with sunblock, taking him for allergy shots, ...and then just when he's finally a mensch, along comes a sweet (or not) young thing, sweeps him off his proverbial feet, and thinks she owns him! Not only that, but the Bible backs her up! No wonder there's friction.

If a dil is smart, she will be a major diplomat and express frequent appreciation to her mil for creating the paragon who married her. AND she will not stand on her status as honored wife but encourage her dh from time to time to cater to his mother's preferences rather than his wife's. Not all the time, you understand, just once in a blue moon. Is it so awful if dh takes his widowed mom--sans wife--on a vacation trip for a once-in-a-lifetime major bday, or buys her a major piece of jewelry? The woman did give him life, after all. And one day she'll be gone and he'll be ALL yours.


you're kidding me, right? that's a powder keg post! Why a trip or jewelry? What if he doesn't even do those things for his own wife? (even though a piece of jewelry I can understand more than a trip...) what if they can't really afford it? There are a lot a factors that can go into the "why can't he take her on..." scenario.
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kelsorino




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 23 2016, 1:50 pm
zaq wrote:
The reason is that a mil spent somewhere between 18 and 30+ years bringing up her son. Think sleepless nights, getting called to the principal's office, calling neighbors to find out where he is when he should have been home, wiping his snotty nose, shortening or letting out his pants, paying for his education and orthodontia, slathering him with sunblock, taking him for allergy shots, ...and then just when he's finally a mensch, along comes a sweet (or not) young thing, sweeps him off his proverbial feet, and thinks she owns him! Not only that, but the Bible backs her up! No wonder there's friction.

If a dil is smart, she will be a major diplomat and express frequent appreciation to her mil for creating the paragon who married her. AND she will not stand on her status as honored wife but encourage her dh from time to time to cater to his mother's preferences rather than his wife's. Not all the time, you understand, just once in a blue moon. Is it so awful if dh takes his widowed mom--sans wife--on a vacation trip for a once-in-a-lifetime major bday, or buys her a major piece of jewelry? The woman did give him life, after all. And one day she'll be gone and he'll be ALL yours.


I think this is a bit extreme. If my husband did these things for his mother while we are struggling to pay for tuition and food exc. I would be pretty angry. However taking his mother out for a nice diner for her birthday wouldn't bother me but a vacation is a bit much.
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workermom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 23 2016, 1:55 pm
I live local to my in laws - BH we see them every week and I speak to my MIL at least once a day.

I found that there were times that I get criticized and I look at those at relationship bumps and I use them to help me learn. There usually is a general underlying theme like they are concerned for you so if you focus on that then it is much easier to tolerate.

Also, being myself around them has really helped! My in laws got me and me is who I will be... I just try not to "urk" them but still act normal I am calm and just do my thing - I think they respect me for that too.
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israelgirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 25 2016, 6:21 am
Just chiming in that I absolutely love my mother in law.

And she criticizes, and has her ideas on life that are very different to mine, and is opinionated and sensitive. She's always telling my husband things and asking that he shouldn't talk to me about it. But she is wonderful, and giving and kind and funny.

I simply CHOOSE to get along with her. It's been a decision since I was engaged. I send her love notes all the time. She loves mushy things.

Some relationships work naturally, some take lots of work. Some are an active decision that you are constantly fortifying.

My husband and MIL had nothing to do with each other when we got married. They are now exceptionally close. I dial her number and put the phone by my husbands ear and leave the house.

Just want to encourage all those with difficult in laws to put the work in. Peace is the best option.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Tue, Oct 25 2016, 7:21 am
I have nothing to do with my mother in law. My husband doesn't either have anything to do with her - she's too caught up in her own life.
I think she's bipolar and depressed so I don't take it personally -- most of the time.
I wish she'd want to know her grandkids - but it is what it is.
I grew up with my grandmother hating my mother, so I didn't expect it to be any different.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Tue, Oct 25 2016, 11:08 am
amother wrote:
To get back to the original question: I think the relationship is fraught because it brings two women of different ages and possibly different personalities into a close relationship with no build-up. One day you're nothing to each other and the next day you're family. It can take years to understand the culture and dynamics of another family. To step into this with no preparation is hard work. Even kind people who want the best are likely to rub each other the wrong way when they are forced into close proximity.

This. My family is weird, but I had 20+ years to get used to our particular brand of weird. With in-laws, you suddenly have to adjust to a whole new kind of strangeness.

And specifically, different families can have different ways of expressing love. Like, in my family debating politics is a normal fun discussion, in most families - not so much. In dh's family people express love by buying random unexpected gifts, while in my family it's the norm to keep possessions to a minimum (and getting random stuff you didn't ask for is a hassle).

With siblings-in-law it's usually easier because I think siblings-in-law tend to naturally view each other as peers and act the way they would with any other new person. They get to know each other more slowly. They don't make tasteless jokes until they're pretty sure you'll find them funny, they don't say a word if you don't set the table their way even if it's their house, they might even stop talking politics if they see you're getting uncomfortable.

Parents-in-law, OTOH, are used to being the parents. They've never held back around their child and don't see why they should now. So you tend to get hit by the full force of their personality pretty quickly.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Tue, Oct 25 2016, 11:41 am
Beyond that, there are a couple other things

- parents of adult kids want to see their kids be happy, and sometimes they can be overly sensitive to how (they think) their child's spouse is affecting their child's happiness.

Like, if the wife is doing dishes while the husband rests on the couch, and her mother and his are there, her mother might be thinking "why is she doing the housework while he just sits there??" and his might be thinking "why is he so tired? he's working too hard. I guess he has to, since she doesn't work full time."

Basically, parents sometimes notice their own child's needs or sacrifices more than the child-in-law's. Not because they're trying to, just force of habit.

- the things that your spouse does that annoy you the most tend to be things they learned from their parents. And seeing their parents doing those things and encouraging your spouse to see them as normal can be very annoying.

Like, meeting a random middle-aged woman who hates to spend money and insists on reusing every sandwich bag and plastic bottle until it is worn to pieces - fine, whatever, it takes all kinds to make a world. Spending time with your MIL who is like that just hours after yet another argument with your dh over money and his refusal to spend it - aggravating. To put it mildly. (no, that's not a personal example, but I'm sure dh and I could both give personal examples... )
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 25 2016, 2:44 pm
zaq wrote:
The reason is that a mil spent somewhere between 18 and 30+ years bringing up her son. Think sleepless nights, getting called to the principal's office, calling neighbors to find out where he is when he should have been home, wiping his snotty nose, shortening or letting out his pants, paying for his education and orthodontia, slathering him with sunblock, taking him for allergy shots, ...and then just when he's finally a mensch, along comes a sweet (or not) young thing, sweeps him off his proverbial feet, and thinks she owns him! Not only that, but the Bible backs her up! No wonder there's friction.

If a dil is smart, she will be a major diplomat and express frequent appreciation to her mil for creating the paragon who married her. AND she will not stand on her status as honored wife but encourage her dh from time to time to cater to his mother's preferences rather than his wife's. Not all the time, you understand, just once in a blue moon. Is it so awful if dh takes his widowed mom--sans wife--on a vacation trip for a once-in-a-lifetime major bday, or buys her a major piece of jewelry? The woman did give him life, after all. And one day she'll be gone and he'll be ALL yours.


He's all hers as a husband. And all his mom's as a son. Doesn't she want grandchildren and a son happy in marriage? sigh as my neighbour says if she likes her son enough she will make peace with the dil. If she's selfish no

If a MIL is smart, she will have life experience and maturity that the dil doesn't have, and act accordingly. It doesn't take much, in my circles there is no kalla/chosson gifts to fight on, no random flop or number of sheitels to provide, barely any couple support to fight on either... Just keep non positive comments to yourself and if you remember your d'il birthday, for a card or even just a call or a text (!), it's a bonus. Of course the dil has to be respectful and dlkz. Also both should avoid ganging up on the son or fil but that's another topic?
FTR I got a chag gift from my mil that I yet have to unpack Smile kh tfu tfu tfu
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Tue, Oct 25 2016, 10:49 pm
This is a topic that I think about a lot. I have a great mil... but at the end of the day she's my mil and I think because of that sometimes I really am not in the mood to interact with her.

I'm a generally insecure person and I think of her as a very well-rounded person so anytime I feel an issue I assume it is me and not her. I'm often nervous that dh will think her way/view/perspective is better than mine. But even aside from my insecurity issue it does bother me that I feel there is just a natural tension in a mil/dil relationship and I haven't been able to put my finger on what it is about it...

My mom and I don't always get along but at the end of the day she's my mom and I can be direct and forthright with her. I feel like sometimes get-togethers with mil go well and sometimes not as much. If I'm annoyed at something my mil says/does whether to me, dh or kids what am I supposed to do? Especially if it's something little, I can't tell her, right?!
It's a weird relationship that on the one hand is such a close relative but on the other hand so isn't...
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 25 2016, 11:30 pm
amother wrote:
This is a topic that I think about a lot. I have a great mil... but at the end of the day she's my mil and I think because of that sometimes I really am not in the mood to interact with her.

I'm a generally insecure person and I think of her as a very well-rounded person so anytime I feel an issue I assume it is me and not her. I'm often nervous that dh will think her way/view/perspective is better than mine. But even aside from my insecurity issue it does bother me that I feel there is just a natural tension in a mil/dil relationship and I haven't been able to put my finger on what it is about it...

My mom and I don't always get along but at the end of the day she's my mom and I can be direct and forthright with her. I feel like sometimes get-togethers with mil go well and sometimes not as much. If I'm annoyed at something my mil says/does whether to me, dh or kids what am I supposed to do? Especially if it's something little, I can't tell her, right?!
It's a weird relationship that on the one hand is such a close relative but on the other hand so isn't...


Why can't you tell her?
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Oct 26 2016, 10:23 am
mommy3b2c wrote:
Why can't you tell her?


cuz to her it will seem that I'm critical, overly sensitive, nitpicky

it's not the same as a mother, and she is so different from me.

some of her greatest strengths are weaknesses of mine. it's so frustrating...
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Water Stones




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 26 2016, 12:18 pm
I used to have some problems with my mil. Like she trying hard to not "baby" her son anymore so she put it on me. Example: tell him to stop smoking cigarettes, make sure he wear the warm coat today, he really like to eat the chicken with a lot of pepper on top did you do it that way for him? Like that kinds of things.

And she used to be very much attentive to my appearance like I should wear make up.

My dh is her first child so I am her first dil and we only been married not very long so we are both learning that she can trust me to take good care of her son. And I'm really getting love for her in my heart. And I think she's getting love for me in her heart too. I hope.
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