Non-Jewish school?

amother

Seashell

Fri, Nov 04 2016, 12:17 am

I have a child who is high functioning and is in a mainstream class but I keep feeling like she should be getting so much more. She shouldn't be sitting in a big class just listening and sliding by when she really is smart and needs more support so she can develop her strengths instead of struggling just to keep up. She also should get more support with social and emotional skills. Right now she has a limited amount of support in school and she is entitled to more from the dept of ed but it's hard to find providers and then you need to spend every afternoon after school running around to appointments... right now she's only in one after-school therapy and that's already exhausting. I feel like she's getting burned out of the whole school idea and she's still too little for that!

I went to a "fair" type of thing where special ed schools had booths to present to parents. In the past it seemed like our options were just super limited because DD is too high functioning for the self-contained programs I've seen, and the inclusion programs didn't offer the right kinds of support. So we kept status quo with qualms. So this fair was in a Jewish center and I was hoping to learn more about Jewish programs, but most of the schools were not Jewish and I learned about one school that seems like it could be an amazing program for her and a great fit, and another two schools that were definite maybes.

So now I'm torn. Having a Jewish education and friends for my kids is important to me - and it's very hard to make a social life if you don't go to the same school, most of the Jewish kids are in the same couple of schools and the school days are so long that they don't really get out much.

Also I have two kids close in age and it would be really sad to have one of them have a full Jewish education and go to school with all the neighborhood kids and the other one doesn't; while one goes to a great school with a well-rounded program and all kinds of cool activities and the other doesn't. If there were major differences between the two kids it would be easy enough to explain at least, but as I said the DD is very high functioning and on the surface they look the same. She does not even know that she has any problem, but the point is that I'd like to keep it that way instead of letting her stay in this mainstream school where she is going to always be a little out of it. It's just that she doesn't know what she's missing. One day she'll catch on... But she is very self-conscious and defensive. She LOVES her OT but still whines "why do I hafta go and not her" (she LOVES it) and same for her SEIT. And it's no wonder because she is smart and capable. I don't see her as having anything wrong with her at all. I just think that a regular school is a poor fit. I think it's a shortcoming of regular schools. I would love if my non-SN DD could go to the special school as well, it's a beautiful program, the only issue is that the only way we could afford such a nice school is by suing the DOE for the special needs (for a kid who doesn't need related services, it's about three times the cost of a local yeshiva/bais yaakov and about double the day school). Also, as much as I'm dissatisfied with the mainstream school setup, that's not enough to make me forgo a Jewish education completely.

AAAAAAAHHHHHH what to do?!

imasinger

Fri, Nov 04 2016, 6:38 am

It's so hard.

One other factor is the social cost. In a non Jewish setting, a lot of good stuff happens on Shabbos. Birthday and other parties, sports, in later years, trips. It's painful to be left out of all this. For a Jewish girl, tznius can become an issue as time passes. And, of course, the pool of friends is very different.

How old are your DD's? At some point, it's helpful for kids to know their diagnosis; probably not for a while yet.

If you decide to keep her where she is, please keep fighting to find the good providers. Your DD's future is worth the effort, no matter how long and frustrating it is.

About the OT -- ignore the whining, or respond, "because you're so lucky," then drop it. It's probably about transitioning.

amother

Violet

Fri, Nov 04 2016, 12:24 pm

It is difficulty in some ways to no longer go to Jewish school but I have had kids we switched to public school and on many fronts they have done so much better. It is painful to not be in the Jewish social school group anymore or not be able to participate in some of the activities that some kids do in public school. There are trade offs. There is huge social pressure to want kids in the Jewish schools, the "right schools", which ignores the kids' needs.

I do have a growing pet peeve that the stock response of "public school" is that it will be the kiss of death for a Jewish neshama. I think that comes from a long standing mantra that is now undeserving and I resent when people make judgement about public school without even the knowledge of them. Especially the rabbis who espouse that Jewish school is mandatory and it's no question, not negotiable. I would dare to say that most rabbis who have that view (if not all) have never set foot in a public school.

There are lots of good things that happen in public school. This should not be discounted because it is not Jewish.