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Forum -> Parenting our children
Not enough of me to go round



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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Nov 07 2016, 9:15 pm
I have a 5, 3.5, 2yr old and now a new baby. They all want my attention. All the time. It's not that I have a new baby I'm less available,
it's that the 5 yr old never stops talking, literally, he will keep going and raise his voice above mine or anyone else so he doesn't even hear me tell him I need quiet or he's interrupting or...
the 3.5 yr old is negative attention seeking in the most bizarre ways. In addition to acting out, fighting with her siblings...she is pulling out her hair and putting things in her mouth...,
The 2 year old is constantly whining crying wanting to be held...like all day.
It was like this before baby And I tried to give them special time... although they never seemed satisfied, but now with new baby there's no extra time for anything. How can I help them all????HELP
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Mon, Nov 07 2016, 10:38 pm
I'm in same situation- I cud've wrote your post..
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Mon, Nov 07 2016, 10:40 pm
But I think ( and I've been told that as the infant gets bigger will b easier cuz newborns extra needy..)
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amother
Mint


 

Post Mon, Nov 07 2016, 11:09 pm
If you are on your own, and without any help I can totally understand how this can be impossible. There are moments I remember trying to handle a new born and toddlers and just being beside myself.

What I did during those crazy moments when I had nothing left to give was turned on the dvd player and my toddlers watched a show. I would rock the newborn in his rolling bassinet and pray he would fall asleep for a nap ( bh if he would) and then I would just crash on the couch and watch the dvd with my toddlers and doze in and out keeping a watchful eye and yet somewhat sleeping at the same time. Surprisingly, as much as I craved a deep sleep, this technique was very restful.

I took all shortcuts. including using paper plates. Not folding laundry just shoving clothes into appropriate draws. Having roasted chicken potatoes and peas almost every night for dinner. Grocery delivery was a big help too.

If your toddler is done with naps, then institute quiet time instead with the help of a dvd, Watch something light together and lounge while the newborn rests.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Mon, Nov 07 2016, 11:17 pm
BIRTH CONTROL. NOW

Signed,
A very chassidish woman who's BTDT.


The kids get older and you'll start enjoying them, but not if you keep having more babies.

Give yourself a 5-10 year break.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 07 2016, 11:39 pm
Obviously one person can't take care of a newborn,two toddlers and a young child all by herself. You need help. You are only one person.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Mon, Nov 07 2016, 11:47 pm
I honestly don't know how people have 4 kids under 5. You are definitely stronger than me OP.
I have difficult pregnancies, but I'm sure yours aren't easy. Not sure how you were pregnant with 3 little ones.
I guess a DVD for the 5 and 3.5 year old. And hopefully you'll manage the 2 little ones if the other 2 are kept busy.
I hope you have help, besides your husband, like family that can help you or cleaning help that can maybe keep an eye on the baby for a little.
I really don't want to say Birth Control as I'm sure you are aware of it.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 12:16 am
Seashell Amother-
Everybody is aware of BC, but in many communities it's very looked down at, and breaks between babies are at MOST 2- 2 1/2 years apart.

It creates pressure for couples to have a baby every 2 years or so.

I live with that pressure every day. But I've learned to shut it up!

OP, you've got to care about yourself and your husband/ kids ONLY!
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 12:34 am
amother wrote:
Seashell Amother-
Everybody is aware of BC, but in many communities it's very looked down at, and breaks between babies are at MOST 2- 2 1/2 years apart.

It creates pressure for couples to have a baby every 2 years or so.

I live with that pressure every day. But I've learned to shut it up!

OP, you've got to care about yourself and your husband/ kids ONLY!


I live in Williamsburg. I know all about community pressure. But firstly, everybody in their own house can do what they want. As long as husband and wife are on one page. And secondly, there is so much more awareness and acceptance of birth control.

Sorry, but I don't get this thing of taking pressure from anyone. Let them think I've inserted an IUD, or that I pop a pill every night at 9:45 pm. Let them think I have SIF for all I care. They won't be coming to help me when I have 4 babies under 5 vying for my attention so I give not a hoot to their pressure and expectations.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 2:10 am
I had 3 under 3, so I can relate. ( I'm taking a break now)
Take whatever help you can, to get through this stage. As your baby grows out of the newborn stage it WILL get easier. Can you send one or two kids to a friend/ neighbor for an hour every day? Then change up and take the neighbor's kid to occupy your child the next day.
Take it easy, reevaluate your goals; do minimum housework needed and get steady cleaning help. Buy ready made supper or cook really simply.
Tell yourself you're doing your best.
Hug
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 8:28 am
OP, my kids are 8, 7, 5 and 3 (my oldest was 5.3 when the baby was born) and I totally hear you. It's really hard to deal with.

What I did then was turn to the kid who talks over everyone and say "I would love to hear what you say after your brother is done talking." (it doesn't matter if DC actually heard that, but I still think it's important to say) Then I turn to the other child who's talking and say "Go ahead." If the other kid keeps talking, I ignore it until the child who's turn it is is done and then I say "Now it's your turn. What do you have to say?" I pretend like I didn't even hear what they were saying in the interim. It takes a while but it works.

For your middle child, try to carve out a few minutes of individual attention for her (each child really). Even 5 minutes of special time can reduce the acting out, unless something else is triggering it.

Can you hold your 2 year old for 5 minutes and then say "OK now it's time to play. We'll have more time to snuggle again soon." Transition the 2 year old from being held to snuggling by holding them on your lap on the couch.
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 12:01 pm
tichellady wrote:
Obviously one person can't take care of a newborn,two toddlers and a young child all by herself. You need help. You are only one person.

This
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kollel wife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 12:18 pm
Story tapes work well too - if you're not comfortable with DVDs. So do music tapes where everyone can dance and sing along.

I know you are asking about how to give them attention - but having a structure to the day, getting a nap sometimes, having cleaning help will help you feel more in control - when you're dealing with all their needs at once. Feeling in control means feeling ok with all their demands at once and realizing you're doing a good job and you are answering them and helping them, and teaching them slowly but surely how to talk and act.

I have 9 kids - a lot are close in age like you mention - but those busy years are over - now they range from 9 to 24 -oldest already married and a few boys away in yeshiva. It's actually sort of quiet although I have 5 kids home.

If you physically or emotionally can't handle things - then that's what BC if for - but what you describe - I think you mean, how do I give them attention. You also can try to do simple crafts or baking (or making chocolate milk together.) You may remember the crying or screaming - but they will feel proud and happy about the things you do together. Google ideas on the computer - one day print out coloring pages - maybe they'd like paper dolls - keep them busy - all of you together and don't expect or want perfection. Just some constructive activity.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 1:02 pm
You have a new baby - it will be crazy. let many things go. As the days go by things will find a pattern and find a new normal - it definitely takes patience.
Lots of reading together on the couch when feeding the baby helps.

I was exactly where you were 5 years ago and life is so different now I can't even imagine how crazy it was then (I did wait 4 years to have another, not so much by choice and it is sooo much easier now, not even comparable, everyone is so much more self sufficient and life is so much more staggered). I remember I kept telling myself it will get easier. I remember there was a great post by Shalhevet how this stage passes - it gave me a lot chizzuk at the time.

Does your 3.5 yr old go out for playgroup? that can help.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 1:30 pm
Imho you can't give all 4 small children the attention they crave in your situation.
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Queen6




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 6:46 pm
Please don't choose to have so many kids if you will stuff them in front of a DVD all day in order to cope. Unless they were all a mistake or by force I don't really feel so sorry.
Right now you need to figure out a way to get it together productivity - it can't be about surviving the day only - kids need to develop and live. Get help!
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lizard8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 08 2016, 9:14 pm
Having a new baby is a huge adjustment. No matter if it's the first or 7th kid, the mother is physically and emotionally drained. The first 4 months are difficult because the baby is in constant need of care.

I heard a famous psychologist say that the baby wont remember if you ignored them, but the 5 year old will. If the baby is safe, it's ok to let him cry for a few minutes. Finish whatever you are doing with another child, and then tend to the crying baby. This way, the older child wont feel like the baby always comes first.

Another helpful thing I did was doing special activities with the kids. It sounds crazy to start making messes and giving extra attention, but it helped me a lot in the long run. You can take out play dough and play with them, show them how to make shapes. Other ideas are arts and crafts and baking. I found that even if the activity lasted only 10-15 minutes, the kids felt content afterwards and played nicely.

Good luck!
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