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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
*sigh* DD is not talking to me (re Trump)



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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 12:29 pm
DD (13) is in a snit. We have been talking about the elections for months now, weighing the pros and cons of each candidate, and going over the news. I told her that I was for Trump, because I only marginally trust him more than Clinton. I talked to her about Dr. Ben Carson, and about how good middos were important, etc.

Anyway, I get home today, and she's in her room. I knock on her door and come in, and she says "Get out!" I asked her why, and she said "Get out, you supported Trump. GET OUT! Anyone who supported Trump is a f*cking idiot." I said "OK, I'm here if you want to talk about it." and left.

She stormed into the kitchen for something, and I said "I know you're not talking to me right now, but I want you to hear something. It's totally OK to not like the way someone voted, and in a democracy it's important to respect other people's rights to think differently than you do. Otherwise, we could end up like the Nazis. l'havdil. Being disrespectful is not acceptable, even when you disagree."

She just walked past me and slammed her bedroom door. I wonder how long this phase will last? I'm sure she picked this up from kids at school, who got it from their parents. There are many Anglo kids in her school.

/just venting
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 12:46 pm
Totally normal, under the circumstances.

She'll come around by inauguration day Wink
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grace413




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 12:48 pm
She's a teenager. Any excuse to be angry with mom is a good excuse.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 1:00 pm
Didn't Clinton carry your former home state?

So, it's not as if your vote was personally responsible for her misery anyway.

I'd hope she can apologize for her inappropriate and disrespectful language, which is not OK no matter how angry she was. In the future, you may want to seize the moment after such a comment to call her on it (gently), and tell her you need to hear her word her opinion appropriately -- possibly offering her the better language. "I'm really upset that Trump won, and that you voted for him" would work.

I agree with other posters that she'll calm down.

By the time he will definitely be out of the picture, she'll be old enough to vote herself.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 2:07 pm
Like millions of others, you DD is going to be angry and disappointed at the election results. I have no doubt that you can deal with her grief and expressions of it with loving compassion and understanding. But remember to extend that loving compassion and understanding to all who feel gravely wounded by these election results. For those of us who have survived decades of presidential elections, we recognize that we've not always backed the winner and can be a bit more resilient. Your DD and many others haven't had these experiences and will be a bit slower to heal.

We have a new president, and in spite of public perception, nothing will change that new reality. As Americans we have to move forward to acceptance.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 2:31 pm
The Israeli press is notoriously leftist (think MSNBC on steroids) and yellow, and the Israeli public loves Bill Clinton (and so perhaps by extension, Hillary Clinton). Their coverage of American politics skews toward the sensationalist, and resembles their coverage of the Oscars more than the coverage of a national election. Who knows what weird things her classmates have told her.

It'll blow over eventually.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 5:04 pm
Thanks everyone. Things are calming down around here. I told DD that before I discuss anything with her, she has to agree to discuss things with respect and politeness, just like she wouldn't want anyone else calling her an idiot for her political views.

We talked about a lot of issues that were on the table, and what was at stake. I told her that both candidates had a lot of really good things going for them, and that they both had serious problems with trust and likability. It was a very close race for a lot of really complicated reasons, and a lot of people had different views of what they want for the future of the US.

I told her about when I was 12, and a vegetarian. I was sure that anyone who ate meat was an evil murderer! I was active with Greenpeace, and wanted to save all the baby seals and whales. It's a wonderful thing to be caring and compassionate towards helpless animals, but I had no idea how much more was involved in politics. I was only seeing a very tiny section of the world, but of course I was sure I understood EVERYTHING! LOL

As I got older, I started thinking about things like the stock market, the unemployment index, civil rights, women's rights, abortion, freedom of religion, school funding, property taxes, and a million more things that go into making a government run smoothly. The more I know, the more things I have to weigh before I can make a decision. Nothing is as easy as it seems. A person with good middos can turn out to be a lousy leader, and a person who is a jerk can turn out to be a very good leader.

Hashem runs the world, and for some reason, Hashem wants Trump to be president. When DD gets to the part in her siddur about davening for the leaders of the countries, she and her friends should pray that Hashem sends Trump lots of wisdom and understanding to make good decisions - ESPECIALLY if you are worried about him being in charge!

I thanked her for listening to me, I listened to her concerns, and I told her that if she hears or reads anything that upsets her, she must ask for new sources and solid citations. Then we can go over it, analyze it, and discuss how we feel about it.

I always taught her to study all sides of a situation, and to question authority (even me!) at every turn. I want her to use her brain, and not rely on hysterical social media posts, to make decisions.

Then she asked what was for dinner. I told her that we already ate, and that I was not cooking for anyone who speaks to me disrespectfully. She sat there and said "Oh", and went to cook her own food. B'H she understands natural consequences, and didn't even make a fuss. Later on, she gave me a hug, and things seem to be back to normal now.

Oh, the joys of raising a really smart teenager!
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 8:26 pm
Oy. My dd did the same at that age. The things they pick up at school :-(
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 8:33 pm
She is wonderful! And you are a wonderful mommy ❤️
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amother
Gray


 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 8:37 pm
My son (8) came home with hair-raising stories that sound wholly or partially invented by kids' overactive imaginations. I told him he can always check with me if he isn't sure if something he heard is true. I explained to him how many of these stories may have originated.

For example, one tall tale was that Trump will build two White Houses, one with 80 floors made of gold, and the other one 70 floors made of silver! LOL

I told him that
A - Trump is very rich
B - He owns/builds skyscrapers
C - As president, Trump will live in the White House

The kid who shared this glorious factoid worthy of the Quibbler may have overheard actual facts, slept on it, and pieced together a story that is just fantastic enough to interest his classmates.

The worst part is that his father (my STBXH) voted differently than me, and he is feeding my son information that he then uses against me triumphantly, bordering on chutzpah.

I told him today that people have different opinions about the candidates, and it's okay to disagree. He kept saying "but Totty says that s/he is a ______!"

I think he is due for a lesson on fact vs. opinion.
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Coffee Addict




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 8:51 pm
And here I'm once again in awe how clever you deal with your DD. You have patience, compassion, sympathy, with your child at every situation.

I have a DD almost the same age as yours. Whenever I find myself in a tough spot with her , I think how would FF handle her??!! My DD is a REAL TEENAGER, not a easy ball game with them!!
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macadamia




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 9:04 pm
Seems she calmed down . I loooove the fact that at the end she came and hugged you . I think it is very good and healthy. My older daughter after every fight she apologized. And she grew I to a lovely sociable talented adult! My younger one came to that age and does not know to apologize or hug. I guess I should seriously ask eitza or a therapyst about it. Maybe call the Eitza chinuch free hot line for some friendly support when things get hot? I dont want you get agravated. Listen all how this crazy election went here. For a change little issue was with husband) I like trump and husband likes hilary. Son likes trump. My dauhter was hoping for trump because her teacher likes trump which was cute. But she could not concentrate on study yesterday because her friend where she was studying for a major test, kept on getting updates on the votes from the family. I think every hour. Then this morning we had a disagreement here ,husband want to tell daughter who won and I didnt want him to until five minute s before going to school. She still had to finish study. He told her anyway.I was upset...... he said (of course an hour later) that that hataras hasfekos also important and it may calm her down......she wasnt even asking yet.....at the end I told him im upset because if we disagree we go back to bedroom and talk before blurting out to her. He said you can kiss my ......... at the end he gave me a nice treat $$$$ as a making up way..... and I enjoyed it..... bizarre day!!!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 9:10 pm
amother wrote:
For example, one tall tale was that Trump will build two White Houses, one with 80 floors made of gold, and the other one 70 floors made of silver! Laughing


You can tell him that Donald Trump is perhaps the only millionaire who is to be given a public housing space recently vacated by an African American family.

FF, well done!
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MitzadSheini




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 10:49 pm
imasinger wrote:
Donald Trump is perhaps the only millionaire who is to be given a public housing space recently vacated by an African American family.
!


Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter
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studying_torah




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 09 2016, 11:56 pm
Im in awe , FF! You handled your daughter beautifully! Kol hakavod 😊
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 10 2016, 7:12 am
Frantic, all of your post was a pleasant read, but why not cook her dinner? She said something not nice and apologized. Pls explain. Just want to understand
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 10 2016, 10:22 am
sourstix wrote:
Frantic, all of your post was a pleasant read, but why not cook her dinner? She said something not nice and apologized. Pls explain. Just want to understand


This is a legit question. I don't do punishments, I do consequences. She will accept that it is fair, or she will bargain for a compromise. If I think she has a good point, I will consider a compromise.

She drives me crazy about food. She is a picky eater, and will often want me to make her a separate dinner from whatever I'm serving. I'm working on getting her to either accept what's offered, or to cook for herself. That was how my mom handled my becoming a vegetarian, and it worked out well for us. She's enjoying learning how to cook, so it was no hardship on her. If she was starving and helpless, of course I would have made her dinner!

By years of my being a vegetarian, and then a vegan, and then macrobiotic, and eventually a gourmet foodie, I learned how to be quite a cook. It served me well when I started keeping kosher, because I had the skills to provide for myself according to my own tastes.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 10 2016, 10:23 am
Coffee Addict wrote:
And here I'm once again in awe how clever you deal with your DD. You have patience, compassion, sympathy, with your child at every situation.

I have a DD almost the same age as yours. Whenever I find myself in a tough spot with her , I think how would FF handle her??!! My DD is a REAL TEENAGER, not a easy ball game with them!!


embarrassed embarrassed embarrassed Awww, this is probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me! Thank you so much!
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 10 2016, 3:18 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:

She just walked past me and slammed her bedroom door. I wonder how long this phase will last? I'm sure she picked this up from kids at school, who got it from their parents. There are many Anglo kids in her school.

/just venting


FF, your daughter sounds like mine - young teen, smart, and often a little too passionate about everything. I also think you handled it well! It's hard to keep your cool when your child is having a teenager tantrum.

But don't blame us liberal parents! Know that a lot of us worked really hard during the whole election to guard our tongues around our kids. We were so careful to calmly discuss issues, to try to downplay the extreme rhetoric in the election, to limit access to media, etc, for our kids.

They know that calling someone an idiot is unacceptable AND not a clear statement of why you don't support a candidate. We talked with our kids about what issues are important to us, and why, and how our choice of candidate is based on those positions.

We also had to talk about why grown-ups were engaged in name-calling.

Just wanted to highlight that there are a lot of parents on all sides who are fighting the good fight to raise menchlik kids and who worked really really hard on that during this election season.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 10 2016, 4:40 pm
I just told DD that Trump wants to do away with common core math. Suddenly, she's a huge supporter, and all is forgiven! LOL

Now she says she wants to go vegetarian ("but not vegan, that's too hard!"). Adorably, she tells me this AFTER she enjoys her steak dinner. LOL!

Time to give her some cooking lessons. Very Happy
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