Take me back | Imamother

amother

Bronze

Tue, Nov 08 2016, 7:31 pm

Please take me back to the good old days when my kids listened to everything I said and didn't say "NO" and kick up a fuss for every little thing that I ask of them. What are consequences for teens? Somehow when they were younger then I could give consequences but now that they are older I am at a loss. What can be used? taken away? not given? withheld temporarily? My kids were such good listeners and so well behaved and it seems like since they realized they can say "NO" and get away with it then they are using it ALL. THE. TIME.

amother

Violet

Tue, Nov 08 2016, 8:16 pm

Ye. And I tried ignoring them . just saying things like "when I come back this better be done. " or worse letting it slide.... Til I realized the younger set had become professional no-sayers copying their big siblings Mad

amother

Brunette

Tue, Nov 08 2016, 9:20 pm

It's so important for kids/teens to be able to say no, to exercise their ability to say no and to have it be ''met''.

Soon enough the teens will be adults, and heaven knows how vital it is to be able to say no to a spouse who makes outlandish demands.

A child who cannot say ''no'' to a potential molester is in bad shape. Congratulations that your children can say ''no''. This is a healthy developmental milestone.

Now let's get down to the business of finding a cooperative way of living.

You're entitled to your no's and they're entitled to their no's.

It always amuses me when parents have this idea that just because they are the big ones, the parent, the children must obey. Parents who demand obedience are destroying what could otherwise be a very loving and nourishing relationship.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Nov 08 2016, 9:21 pm

amother wrote:

Can you take their phone/electronic device away.
Maybe make a contract with them so expectations are clear

Punishments as these only serve to alienate the children. It isn't pleasant in the long run. You may win the battle, but is it worth losing the relationship over time?

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 08 2016, 9:49 pm

With teens, it's about relationships, not about telling them what to do.

So it's not - your room closely resembles the cowshed. Clean up now!

But more like - I need your help keep this house a pleasant place for all of us. Could you please start with your room?

I have two teens (girls, which are likely different than boys, if that's what you are talking about, no opionion here....) and one is really fastidious, the other is really laid back. I recognize and appreciate the benefits of each, though the older doesn't need me to tell her to clean her room, and the younger is such a sweetheart, she tries to cooperate but gets distracted.....

In response to consequences for teens....well, I won't have time/energy for shopping if I don't get cooperation...or rather, to phrase that positively, we are only going to get to the mall on Sunday after the house is cleaned up, homework is done, laundry is processed, etc.....

salt

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 1:57 am

amother wrote:

You're entitled to your no's and they're entitled to their no's.

It always amuses me when parents have this idea that just because they are the big ones, the parent, the children must obey. Parents who demand obedience are destroying what could otherwise be a very loving and nourishing relationship.

I don't think I agree with you. This reminds me of a post from a couple of weeks ago as to why today's children are different to those of previous generations.
Yes, parents have authority and sometimes children have to obey because they are children and we are parents.

All has to be done with the correct balance, a home cannot be a dictatorship, and I admit I'm not giving any advice to OP, but I don't agree with this point.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 2:21 am

"Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" is the best book I have EVER read on the subject. I think that doctors should hand it out with every baby they deliver. LOL

mary6

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 3:17 am

My kids aren't teenagers yet and they do NOT listen to me either! When I told my 5 yr old that she needs to listen to me cause it's kibud av vaaim she responded that she's not Jewish! So yea I'm pretty scared.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 3:30 am

mary6 wrote:

LOL, she sounds pretty smart! There's a book for younger children, "Parenting Kids with Love and Logic." She definitely sounds old enough to use logic on, since she's trying it out on you. Good luck, the smart ones will give you a run for your money. Trust me, I've got one just like that. Very Happy

chani8

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 5:05 am

If you think of your children as prized team members, worth millions to the team, then you will treat them correctly. A team member certainly has work to do, but they have to know that it's for their benefit and for the sake of the team that they do those things.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 6:36 am

I gave up expecting teens to 'obey' ages ago. The word is not in my lexicon.
I do want them to cooperate, but as you've learned, you cant force a teen to do anything.
If they dont do their homework or study - they suffer the low grade.
If they dont put their clothes in the hamper, they dont get washed.
If they dont clean their room, they have to live in a disaster zone (this is more complicated if they share a room).
If they dont help make a cake for shabbat, there will be no cake.
As for general expectations..like that they pitch in with general chores....you can ask, you can explain how important it is, but best to always have a back up plan.