Communication & support for a sensitive, not expressive teen

amother

Pewter

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 8:11 pm

13 yo DD does not do great socially and in addition is verrrry sensitive. She complains to me about various things her classmates say/do and whatever I respond it is never right.

Tonight she said that when she told classmates she was thinking of going to the same camp they were, they said they don't think it's the right camp for her. I said something to the effect of "ignore it" or "stay away from the girls who make you feel bad or they don't want to be with you" and she said "I hate when you say things like that" to which I responded (in all seriousness) "how would you like me to respond? Do you want me to just listen and empathize? Do you want me to give advice? I'm trying to figure out what you want because everything I say/do seems wrong and I love you and care about you and want to help, not hurt you" She just said "uch forget it" or something like that and went off to her room to cry.

She came down about half an hour later and I asked again what she is looking for/what I can do differently to express my support etc. She said "you never understand." So I said, "I get that you feel like I never understand and it's frustrating for you, would you perhaps consider trying to explain to me a little more." And she said. . . "no"

What do I do? I really want to help her but I don't know what she is looking for/trying to say/wants from me and she refuses to tell me, just wants me to intuitively get it, which unfortunately, I don't.

All advice welcome

P.S. I have spoken to the teachers etc numerous times about the things classmates say to her and they claim she is fine in class, not miss popular obviously but okay (in terms of being well liked), just is super intense and sensitive. It's hard for me to get a sense of what is going on because I do know that it's true (about her being extremely sensitive) but on the other hand the things she repeats sound really not nice. DH and I will be meeting with the school (principal and teacher) next week to discuss it further.

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 3:08 pm

I think she's frustrated that she is trying to tell you one thing and you don't give her the response she's asking for.

I could be wrong, but she is telling you "Ma I'm so hurt. The girls in my class aren't interested in having me come to camp with them".

You are saying don't listen to them. What she wants to hear is "I'm so sorry. That must hurt so much. I think you are lovable and terrific. What can we do to find the right place for you....". She doesn't want a dismissal of her feelings, which is what she is hearing when you say "pay no attention to them".

Basically, your advice is good advice, but not what she wants. She wants deep empathy for the hurt she experiences when others don't respond the way she wants. She also doesn't care to have to explain it - she wants you to get it without her having to express what she wants.

Truth is, it sounds like both of you would benefit from communication skills enhancement. Your DD needs to learn how to express herself so that she is understood....and you would benefit from practicing active listening skills, which is hearing the other person and feeling what they say, without responding with practical advice - just giving them the feeling of validation, of being heard and understood.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 3:13 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I agree with what you wrote. The thing is. . . I HAVE said (obviously not this specific time but there have been plenty of other such occasions Sad

) the words you suggested and that hasn't been what she wanted to hear either (or it seemed that way to me) so I tried something else. . .

I guess I'll stick to the validation and reflecting her feelings back to her for the future though. . .

imasinger

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 7:13 am

The good news is that if she continues to come to you and tell you things, you are doing at least some things right, even if she huffed away. Some of that anger directed at you in the moment is probably meant for the girls who treated her this way, but she is not safe to vent it there, and she feels safer to vent it at home.

The other good news is that there are things that you can do differently, which means that the situation is not hopeless.

Forgive me for being blunt here, but your post reminded me of some strong, unpleasant memories. Here's what I would have said in the moment, with great emotion:

"That's such a MEAN thing to say! What did you say back to them? Nothing? I can't blame you; I'd have been too hurt and angry to say anything in that moment either. Frankly, if that camp is not doing a better job with middos than that, maybe you don't want to go there, either. What are you thinking about it? Do you have enough friends going that you can ignore girls like that, do you not care, or would you like to think about other camp choices?" (Don't expect a reasoned answer; she'll probably say, "I don't know", and you can say, "Let's talk about it again later; I love you." Then, leave the subject for the day. You will have planted the seeds.)

In other words, in the moment, you need to key into the emotion, and hopefully, the intensity of it. This is similar to Chayalle's response, but adds in more anger on your DD's behalf, which can be very important to a hurting young teen. You will also have empowered her to choose whether this will be something she wants for this summer.

Saying, "just ignore them" is terrible advice. Only girls with some significant social power and standing would be likely to approach a girl like your DD and say those things to her. If those 2 girls are powerful, and have a power base at camp also, they can give your DD a month that is miserable beyond miserable. Ugh. Take the situation seriously.

In the half hour later time slot, I think the thing to have said was, "I'm sorry I wasn't helpful. I really love you. Do you want to (fill in an activity you know that she enjoys with you) together?" And left it at that. At 13, few girls are mature enough, particularly when they're probably still torn up inside over the incident, to tutor you as to the response that they wish to hear.

If you want to learn more of what she'd like you to say, here's an idea of how to get there.

Not just teens, but people of all ages -- but especially teens -- are most likely to be self-reflective at times when they are calm and happy. You will learn about your DD and how she ticks now that she is growing up by continuing to arrange quiet, peaceful time regularly, where you are not addressing anything emotional. Trust me, she'll be emotionally volatile enough for 2 -- her hormones are doing little Spanish dances around her insides, and her social world is changing, too.

At such moments, you can even -- once in a great while -- try putting the question to her hypothetically. Wayy after the incident. "I need some advice from you. My old friend from seminary called today, you don't know them, and was telling me about something that happened with her daughter. Her daughter came home from school upset because some girls were mean to her, and my friend tried to say something to make her daughter feel better, but it must have been the wrong thing, because then the girl got mad at her. What could I tell her? What could she have said to her daughter?"

In summary, Chayalle's advice was absolutely right. I suspect that, given that you say it "never worked", whatever efforts you made in the past to respond empathically may have sometimes fallen short. If you want to explore that further, feel free to post about the details. If not, keep trying!

Farber's classic book, "How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk" might be a helpful reminder for these turbulent years.

Hang in there! You sound, as I said in the beginning, like you're doing a number of things right, and it will get better in a few years.

Last edited by imasinger on Thu, Nov 17 2016, 4:09 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Taupe

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 3:52 pm

I actually think that OP is doing everything right. Yes, her advice may not always be what DD wants to hear, but I have a feeling that it's unrelated to OPs advice and more related to DD herself.

When I was in my early 20s, before I got married, I used to unofficially mentor a teenage girl, who had a similar relationship with her mother (who is, in fact, an amazing mother and person in general). The girl herself was very sensitive, emotional, and not very successful socially (your post really reminded me of her). She used to confide in me regularly, and she once said something very interesting: "I try to talk to my mother about things happening at school and about other things that are hard for me. But she never gets it right. When I'm sulking and want her to come ask me about it, she doesn't and then I'm mad at her. But other times when I want to be alone, she'll come in and talk then and I get mad at her. Or sometimes I just want sympathy and sometimes I just want advice and half the time she picks the wrong one. . . and I get mad at her! I know I should just tell her what I want her to say or do, but I just can't - she's my mother and so she should just know. I feel hurt when she doesn't know what I need. No one understands me. But you know what I finally realized? That what I really want from my mom is for her to read my mind and know exactly what I want without me having to tell her. But that isn't possible, I guess. So I'll just have to try to be better and know that when I get mad at her, it isn't really her fault. . ."

I'm betting your daughter is probably in a similar situation, unaware of it or not. She sounds lonely and doesn't have friends to understand her, and every time you don't understand her, it exacerbates her feelings of being misunderstood in general because her expectations from you are higher than everyone else's. But your not a mind reader, and so you just have to try your best. I suggested above a psychologist, but I also want to suggest finding a mentor in the form of an older teen or young adult. It doesn't have to be something official, I ended up being unofficial mentor because I knew them from the neighborhood and she connected to me and used to call me on the phone and chat with me when I came over. But having someone older who she has no real expectations from can really help.

And the girl I mentored turned into a really lovely woman (a better person than I am, in my opinion), married with her own family, and a great relationship with her mother and family and her friends. She just needed the space to work out her hardships independently of her parents and with some loving guidance.