Parenting kids with different personalities

amother

Aqua

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 1:14 pm

My two girls have very different personalities. I find myself struggling with how to parent them. I also find myself struggling not to compare them but it's so hard and I keep slipping up.

DD1 is independent, argumentative, easily upset, easily frustrated, easily overwhelmed, high-strung, anxious, slow to transition, negative thinker, complainer and stubborn. She's also very bright, responsible, confident, talkative, conscientious and truly terrific caring and warm toward her younger sister. She tries so hard to learn how to deal with the more challenging aspects of her personality and I'm so proud of her. But she's only 7. She has a long way to go. DD1 is actually a lot like the way I was as a child so I can relate to her and empathize with her even while her difficult behavior frustrates me. This kid had "terrible twos" from 18 months to 5 years. And she'll still cry easily when frustrated with the simplest things, like her seatbelt getting stuck.

DD2, 4 yo, is the polar opposite. Easygoing, smiley, cooperative, bounces back quickly, transitions quickly, friendly, confident. A little bossy but that's about it. She never had terrible twos. I see how she gets frustrated at the same things my older DD got frustrated with at this age. But when older DD1 would tantrum for an hour and bring it up for weeks later, DD2 gets upset for literally a minute and then moves on.

So here are my issues:

1) it's very hard not to compare them, both in my head and out loud. If we need to go out and I tell them to get their coats and DD1 responds with "No! I don't wanna go! And I'm NOT putting on my coat!" And DD2 responds with "ok! One second mommy!" Well. It's very hard not to compare those and I bite my tongue all the time to keep myself from saying to older DD "look how nicely younger DD is doing it." And sometimes it slips out before I can stop it and I feel terrible.

2) I'm afraid I'll take younger DD for granted. Older DD requires so much more intervention to cooperate - charts and rewards and me helping her etc. Will younger DD be missing out because she isn't the squeaky wheel? Is it fair to her if she gets "less" parenting, in a manner of speaking?

Just feeling very confused and would love some input on how to use 2 different parenting styles simultaneously for kids who are so drastically different from each other.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 4:55 pm

I hope you get some good advice.

This was hard for me to read, because my sister and I have absolutely opposite personalities. She's 3 years younger than I am, easily intimidated, and was always the "good girl". I was happy, confident, and outgoing, and I got labeled "the rebel". We both grew up hearing "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or "Be careful, or you'll end up like your sister."

I got kicked out of the house when I was 16, and to this day I have abandonment issues. I tend to push people away, so that they don't get a chance to hurt me.

My sister got caught up in a codependent loop with my parents, and made horrible choices in marriage with abusive and controlling men who picked up on her neediness.

Please, don't let this happen to your girls!

tichellady

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 5:02 pm

I can't answer all your questions but I will say that I come from a big family and we are all very different personalities- people always remark they can't believe we are siblings but my parents NEVER compared us to each other. just don't do it. remind yourself every day " sarah is her own person, rachel is her own person, my job is to parent sarah as sarah and rachel as rachel."
I also think that you should try to have special one on one time with each child once a week just to get to know her for herself and give her individual attention. that might help on its own.
remember that kids evolve throughout their life so try not to label them, the easier one may not be so easy later in life and the harder one may be easier later. remind yourself that change is inevitable and there is a lot you can't predict.

good luck!

imasinger

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 5:12 pm

Fabulous advice from tichellady.

Make a special effort to notice each girl stretching in her areas of challenge.

It's OK to say to the easygoing one, "thanks for listening right away, I really appreciate it!"

You don't need to turn to the other one and say, "look how nicely she's doing it."

Be sure to praise every success, with either girl. Your attention is the best currency you have, so ignoring noncooperation is more powerful than commenting on it.

And tell both of them all the time how much you love them, and how proud you are of something about them.

behappy2

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 5:13 pm

First off I commend you for noticing a potential problem! Noticing is half the solution. I dont have this issue so I am talking out of my hat using my common sense. I have a difficult child around the same age and I appreciate that it is great that you are working with her and her nature . But most of the attention your kids are getting should not be related to their performance. Read to them, play with them, hug them, ask about their day!!

Try to use lots of praise for both of them. Let the older one know you appreciate how hard it can be to listen and you appreciate every time she is cooperative.

I think it must be really hard not to compare. Notice every time you treated each child positively for who they were. Feel good about it. Keep trying. You sound like a really great mom!