Am I being paranoid about this?

amother

Powderblue

Sat, Nov 26 2016, 8:22 pm

dd age 12, recently started using this conference calling system where she and a few friends set up a specific pin code, call the conference number at the same time and enter the pin, and then have a group conversation. I'm fine with that, no difference than the conference calling I used to do with my friends at that age.

Problem: one of the girls decided to press a random pin and talk with whomever. They then exchanged names, personal details and chatted with these girls they "met" via phone conference. now DD told me the names of these girls and what town they are from, but I don't know their ages, who they are, who their parents are. they sound like nice frum girls who are all caught up in something innocent. dd told me only frum by girls use this conference calling thing. I asked her how she knows for sure, since really anyone can call. she's like why would anyone even want to call up but us?

However, I'm concerned that any person, teen or not, can call this conference line, dial any random number, maybe even join in with dd and her friends...kind of no different from an internet chat room only you can hear the person's voice. I told dd that she can no longer punch random numbers in and if she is talking with her friends and someone they don't know joins the conversation everyone has to hang up. and of course I told her she is never to meet anyone in person who she meets via phone. EVER. what I really want to do is disable the conference number from my phone...but she can always go to a neighbor friend and call with her....how do I deal with this?

imasinger

Sat, Nov 26 2016, 8:28 pm

Welcome to the wonderful world of raising teens, where you can no longer guarantee your child's safety by keeping them under full control.

The key is education.

Everything you did was great, maybe be sure your DD understands the risks and the rules.

Maybe let her know that you take this so seriously that you were thinking of blocking the conference number.

Maybe talk to a few other parents about this, or have the school involved in presenting why pushing random numbers is a very unsafe thing.

Fox

Sat, Nov 26 2016, 9:48 pm

ITA with all. You are not being paranoid; you're being responsible.

Of course, teenagers absolutely hate to be told or even have their parents hint that they aren't 100 percent savvy in all the ways of the world. So you have to handle this carefully or your cautionary efforts will backfire. Nor, of course, do you want to make your DD and her friends excessively paranoid -- just more careful.

I would probably use the "sandwich" approach. If you can enlist some of the other parents, so much the better.

Layer the bottom of the sandwich with praise for what a wonderful service this is to allow girls to stay in touch with friends. Maybe mention that it even creates achdus by permitting girls who are perhaps a little less popular to be included. Perhaps say something about how impressed you are that they try to avoid loshen hora.

Now the meat, peanut butter, Nutella, or Vegemite: Explain how various types of criminals monitor conference calling sites and similar services in search of information, often pretending to be people they're not. Explain that an innocent comment can give a criminal information about when a family might be away from home or when the parents might be out of the house. Add a specific example or two: not one that sounds like the victim was ridiculously stupid, but the kind of thing that could easily happen to anyone who wasn't paying close attention. You might also explain that adults regularly take similar precautions, and that sophisticated people understand being cautious in these situations.

The top of the sandwich should be the specific request that your DD not participate when random strangers are involved in these calls, and practice at leaving the conversation if her friends insist on doing this ("I think I hear my mother calling . . . ").

If your DD protests, simply say, "I hope you're correct, and that all the girls involved in this calling service are nice girls, but we can't take that chance. I want you to enjoy this, because it's a lot of fun and helps build good relationships, but our rule is that you may only participate when one or more of you has met a girl IRL and knows her personally."

Hatzlacha!

FranticFrummie

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 9:28 am

Tell your DD to switch to Skype conference calling. My DD does this to keep in touch with her friends in the states, as well as at her school. She has separate group calls for each one, and no one can randomly join. Each person has to be added in deliberately. You also cannot randomly contact anyone else. It's impossible.

If the girls don't have computers, then obviously they can't do that. The advantage of Skype is that you can actually SEE the person you are talking to, as well as hear them. There's no way to fake that.

I didn't let DD use the computer without my constant observation until she was 12, but I let her Skype if I was in the room and could overhear the conversation. That helped me get to know the girls better, and they all started calling me Mom. Some girls even started wanting me in on the calls, if they needed personal advice, and weren't sure how to approach their parents. We built up a lot of trust, and it's a great thing.

I absolutely DRILLED into DD's head that she cannot give out her real name or location to anyone online, unless she knows them IRL. She's fine with that, she goes by a nickname and only says that she's in Israel. She's not paranoid, but she is cautious and informed about the reality of the internet.

MommyM

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 9:51 am

These conference calls are not only used by teenage by girls. I know, for example, there are other conference calls set up for shiurim, group learning, and the like. This is not only accessible to frum people, but to anyone who wants. Non- frum teenagers might be less likely to use something like this since there are other options over the internet, but they could very well end up calling in onto something else.

debsey

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 1:09 pm

DrMom wrote:

In addition to what everyone said above, I wanted to add that I don't understand how this conference call system is limited to frum girls.

It's not limited to frum girls. It's just that the technology is so outdated, anyone who has access to an online platform is unlikely to use it. Why would I use a conference call for a business meeting when I can use GoToMeeting or JoinMe? Why would I do a group chat on the phone when I can WhatsApp or Skype?

So frum girls have kind of taken it over. That being said, it's unregulated and unsupervised so I'd be nervous about it too. In addition, there are a lot of conference calls being hosted. Is it fair to suddenly have some teenagers snooping in? You could have a group of teachers talking about how to handle a sensitive topic, and suddenly there are eavesdroppers who shouldn't be hearing what's said!

I don't know if the hosting service can set up something like a two level PIN system, making it very hard to break into a call that is not your own, or if there's a different solution. When my DSs were "into" this a few years ago, I just discouraged the practice.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 2:32 pm

I know people have mentioned this, but I'll just say it again because I feel it strongly (my pet peeve)
EDUCATION is the answer. There's lots of good ideas of alternatives (like the Skype idea). It's been my experience that there is a lot of naivety in many of the Ultra-Orthodox communities. I have found that instead of explaining, some parents prefer to try to "shelter" - such as, as mentioned, to block that number from the phone. IMO, blocking numbers comes LATER, if you still feel like it's needed. But first thing should be that your daughter understands the dangers, and is able to make healthy, independent choices that will not hurt herself or others. It's just like the Internet - with all the "Ban" that some people will shout out against, IMO, helps very little. The solution is how to use it healthy. Of course there's many inquisitive and rebellious minds, but education can hopefully help them to be able to be curious whilst still having healthy boundaries.

And, no, you're not been paranoid, you are being a responsible, sensible parent who seems to just want the best for her child