My mother still cooks for me

newkallah

Thu, Dec 01 2016, 12:41 pm

My mother really wants to help out with cooking. Like she brings food during the week and makes Shabbat dinner and lunch for my family. I kindly ask her not to but then she's like I'm making it don't tell me not too. It's like every week. I'm thankful for her help but I feel like my husband may feel I'm incapable of running the house and cooking. Also I don't feel like I've done much in getting prepared for Shabbat. What should I do? I feel like she's interfering

naomi2

Thu, Dec 01 2016, 12:58 pm

Maybe tell her early in the week. "Thank y oh so much for cooking it's really been a help but id reAly want to start to cook on my own. I enjoy it. But, nothing beat your kugel/soup/dessert. Can you maybe bring just that?"
Maybe she wants an excuse to visit. Or it makes her feel good to give, regardless of weather or not you appreciate it.

watergirl

Thu, Dec 01 2016, 1:33 pm

How long have you been married? How far away do you live from your parents? And is this the norm in your community? I've seen on this site so many families keep these enmeshed arrangements for a long time. Its great that you want to be independant. You can be more direct. "Mom, thank you for your help but at this point I feel its important for me to make my own shabbos". Repeat as necessary.

watergirl

Thu, Dec 01 2016, 3:38 pm

Op, I just looked back at your posts - you've been on here since 2010 and have at least one child. Thats a long time for your mother to keep this up! Is this every single shabbos?!?! Is there something else going on that makes her think you need this help?

newkallah

Fri, Dec 02 2016, 1:28 am

watergirl wrote:

Its mostly every Shabbos

newkallah

Fri, Dec 02 2016, 1:29 am

STMommy wrote:

Is she making a large quantity of food for herself in order to take some off and give to you? Or is she doing separate cooking for you and your family?

Seperate cooking! But she asks me what I want 😊

smile12345

Fri, Dec 02 2016, 6:55 am

newkallah wrote:

Seperate cooking! But she asks me what I want 😊

I think you have to tell her that you want her to stop, and since she's asking you what you want before she makes it then you definitely have the chance, the question just is how.

Maybe: I love your cooking and really really appreciate all the help you have been for us until now (perhaps give a gift to show your appreciation as well), though now that I'm long settled in my marriage it would be nice for dh to start eating food that his wife made so it's time for me to start doing it on my own/
though I want my kids to sometimes see me cooking for shabbos/ though I think it's time for me to practice myself as well so I that I can become a good cook like you and reciprocate one day to my children/ though I want to make dh proud by seeing that I can do it as well etc.

These are just a few quick examples that came to mind that may or may not work for you though just some food for thought (no pun intended).

You could also find other areas that she can help you instead that would work for both of you.

If it is more complex than that or you find that she is also interfering in other parts of your life then perhaps consult with a therapist just as to the best approach in giving it over.

ectomorph

Fri, Dec 02 2016, 8:38 am

Wow, I wish someone would cook for me! I'm totally overwhelmed in that department.

Why don't you tell her, mom, I want to cook more meals. I really appreciate it but we have been married 5 years already. So I am going to be , cooking shabbos for myself from now on.

cbg

Fri, Dec 02 2016, 8:45 am

She needs to feel useful.
Is there no more kids at home?
Are you the youngest?
Do you have time?

Go over to her house and cook with her.

This is a great bonding opportunity.

DDs MIL has her DD and DILs cooking with her very often, especially when they are going over for Shabbat.

Zehava

Fri, Dec 02 2016, 10:00 am

Yeah I wish this would be my problem.
Though it really depends on the kind of relationship you have. I can see some mothers using it as an excuse to intrude and dominate a married childs life.
But if she is healthy and not interfering in other ways I say it won't last forever and you will still get to cook plenty in your life.

cnc

Fri, Dec 02 2016, 10:13 am

iluvy wrote:

I would start trying to reciprocate, like "Sure, I'd love your potato kugel and chicken, and I'll send you apple kugel and a dessert." That way you can both be givers.

I like this idea.

My MIL has her certain Shabbos foods that she cooks for all her kids and sends them every week.
I reciprocate though I help her cook for every yom tov by making desserts and side dishes.

dancingqueen

Fri, Dec 02 2016, 10:47 am

This is so odd to me. Is there a reason your mom thinks you need so much help? Tell her you're ready to cook on your own now. If it truly makes her happy she can bring you a kugel or cake, but why don't you try inviting your parents over sometimes to give back.

zaq

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 3:16 am

cbg wrote:

She needs to feel useful.
t.

Perhaps. But feeling useful while infantilizing her dd is doing nobody any good. Meanwhile, plenty of chessed orgs are crying out for volunteers. Empty-nested mom would do the world and her dd a big favor by laying off the dd and helping out someone who really needs the help.

Another mom

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 6:35 am

newkallah wrote:

OK, I'll take some LOL

I'd kind of love help with cooking, but I do understand you!
OTOH in the winter I finish just in the nick of time. It's hard to do everything.

pbandjelly

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 9:41 am

She needs a new hobby. Making meals for those in need would be a perfect fit for her! Does your community have the that? Like for families that just gave birth or chas vshalom have a sick member or sitting Shiva? Hope something like this works out!