Daughter not keeping shabbos

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 6:02 am

My daughter dorms in a chabad high school. I just found out that she has not been keeping shabbos all the time. She secretly goes on her phone. She was caught and was asked to leave the dorm.
I dont understand why a school, especially a chabad school cant help her. But thats the least of it. How do we deal with this? I have no experience with this issue.
She is my more "modern" daughter. she has tzinus issues as well. (SHORTER SKIRTS, lower necklines) I am walking around so sad. How do I help her?

amother

Azure

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 6:20 am

I feel for you. I have it too.

I went to a school talk not so long ago where the rov spoke and told a story of a girl comingvto a big rabbi saying she needs help she s mechallel shabbos. The rabbi asked why to which she replied she goes on her phone on shabbos. The rabbi asked her whether she does xyz on shabbos too. And she said no. So the rov told her she's not a mechallel shabbos but a phone addict.
They are two separate things.

It's not easy though.. ..

PinkFridge

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 7:06 am

You will get support here, and some good support too, from various forums. But the most important info you might get here is people to contact IRL about this. There are many different approaches and you want to tread carefully before deciding to follow someone's mehalech (see the Twisted Parenting thread, for ex.). In your daughter's case, you are nowhere near that thread, b"H but you will need some guidance in how to dx the problem. There's the phone addiction vs. going OTD aspect, as was just so clearly mentioned. Your primary goal is going to keep your daughter healthy and focused, vs. feeling so disenfranchised that she might not just drop out of Yiddishkeit, r"l, but healthy living.

For this, you will need IRL support too.
I can offer this: right now, focus on your daughter's strengths, e.g. if she's academic and intelligent, reliable, any healthy interests she has, etc. It will give you a good way to connect and make her feel that you appreciate her as a person while she embarks on the discovery of finding a way to meaningfully connect to Hashem spiritually.

Big Hug

and hatzlacha on your journey.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 9:23 am

I didn't keep shabbos in high school. Beginning ninth grade, I used to put on makeup and straighten my hair with an iron and use my phone, all secretly. I went to a very yeshivish school in Lakewood.
This lasted until the beginning of seminary in Israel. I spoke to a rabbi in my seminary and he suggested that I find myself some role models who are genuine and really love yiddishkeit, and that I immerse myself in yiddishkeit that year. Sure enough, I slowly began to have a real relationship with Hashem, davening sincerely etc, and soon enough I was totally keeping shabbos. My mindset changed: no longer was it important for me to have a flawless face and nice hair; it was more important to keep shabbos because I love Hashem and Hashem loves me and I want to keep His MitZvos. Since then I've kept shabbos. I am b"H married to a solid, frum man, we live in Lakewood, and you'd never guess my past. I came to truly love being Jewish and all that comes along with it. No, I'm not perfect, I still struggle with tznius, wasting time on the Internet, not spending enough time davening etc etc, but I've come a long way.
I think your daughter needs to develop a loving relationship with Hashem. It's not an overnight process. But expose her to people and families and communities where yiddishkeit is genuine and shabbos is done out of love, not rote.
And daven!!!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 12:38 pm

Same problem here. Crying

She's not kicked out of school, but she's still using the phone and computer on Shabbos.

I can only tell her to minimize what she does, maybe watching a movie instead of clicking a lot of buttons to type, doing things with a shinui, and other things that help remind her that it's still Shabbos. No turning on and off light switches, etc.

In the meantime, I daven like crazy, and hope that this is just a phase.

Laiya

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 2:42 pm

I'm so sorry for all the parents dealing with this. I just saw a video clip about millennials, nothing to do with anything Jewish but it was about social media addiction.

The speaker explained that teenage-hood is the time to learn how to forge real inter-personal relationships. Then, when teenagers need emotional support, they have it from friends. The ones who don't learn this turn to addiction.

The addiction, whether alcohol or social media, makes them feel good but doesn't fulfill the deep emotional need for satisfying relationships that we all have. The comments and likes give a temporary high, but come at the expense of actual, fulfilling, deep relationships.

The speaker said that if you go out to dinner with friends, but you can't pay full attention to them because you're busy checking your social media accounts, that is a sign of addiction. To me this seems to be the same idea as frum kids checking their phones on shabbos.

This isn't advice, but just might be an interesting perspective.

amother

Violet

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 2:57 pm

I cant even imagine the pain and the sleepless nights that you have. I know one man who is an expert his name is Avi fishoff twisted parenting- he deals with these type of stuff. Just let her do her thing until you get a professional involved-of course yelling wont help. Warmth, warmth and warmth! She has to know that you love her and that you are a source for comfort in time of need and that she should trust you. The way to gain trust is by showing love. My cousin walks in with his non jewish girlfriend into my uncles home & my uncle (very very chasidish) still lets him in. Hashem should give you hatzlacha in whatever you do.
R' Avi Fishoff 718-902- 6666
Or Rabbi Aron Glick 347-865-1966 (he also works with R' Fishoff). It may cost money, but Im not sure.

amother

Violet

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 5:15 pm

amother wrote:

Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein has come out strongly against "twisted parenting".

I think they are both very special people. Its the parents decision as to which person they want to go to. Rabbi Wallerstein can be against it but fact is that Avi Fishoff Bh is also having success.

PinkFridge

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 4:38 am

amother wrote:

What s twisted parenting?

As MY said, there's another thread you should be able to find easily. And as I said, while OP should find the right people to talk to to help her daughter I don't think that that's an appropriate approach yet (if ever, I reserve judgment).